Once upon a time, this blog was filled with more personal stories about my daily goings on and my personal emotions that washed over me each day while I took orders and silently seethed at my customers. Over time, it has evolved into what it is today which is more of an essay-based critical eye on current events and me pushing either a product or my personae. I used to write the occasional blog post called “Comment on Comments” which was my retaliation against some sad, unsuspecting soul who left a comment on a blog post. Those particular posts slacked off over time because they felt unnecessarily mean spirited and spiteful.
Let week, I received an email alerting me to a comment on a blog post that was written over five years ago, called “An Open Letter to the Barefoot Kids At Table 15.” You can read it, so I won’t go over what it was about, but essentially I called the little kid and asshole and his mother a whore. The comment was as follows:
Are you serious? Writing this douchey ass blog to rant at a three year old and call him a little asshole? The parents being called idiots, yeah I can understand but the three year old? You should go kill yourself dude. Get bent and shove this blog.
It was written anonymously, but since I’m the fucking admin of my own blog, I know that his name is Matt Blair and he has a Gmail address. First off, his name sounds like he should be a preppy blond football caption wearing an Izod shirt with an upturned collar who goes to Stone Academy, the all-boys military school that was near Eastland School for girls on The Facts of Life. He would meet Blair Warner at a school dance and Blair would totally fall in love with him because if she married him, her name would be Blair Blair. On their second day he would try to get to second base with her and she would end things because she’s not that kind of girl. Anyhoo, my point is that Matt Blair has a lot of balls to call my blog douchey when his middle name is probably Vinegar.
Yes, I called the kid an asshole and I’m not gonna apologize for that. Everyone knows that some kids are assholes. Just yesterday on the G train, I watched five-year old watch videos with his mother on her iPhone. “That’s so funny, Mommy,” he would say or “That’s really good, huh, Mommy?” And then he would push out this fake ass sounding laugh that was way too loud and I could see his beady little eyes scanning the subway car trying to soak up some attention. I mean, what a little asshole, right? It seemed like mom probably even knew it too based on how she wasn’t really making eye contact with him. (Spoiler alert: he reminded me of me.) So yes, some kids are assholes.
And then he says I should go kill myself. Really, Matt Blair? The blog post I wrote in 20-fucking-14 was so offensive that I should literally take my own life? No thanks, not gonna do that. And by the way, when did “go kill yourself” become such a sick burn? I must have missed that email blast. If you meant it to be funny, it’s not and if you meant it seriously, you’re a shitty person. Suicide isn’t something to casually toss off as an insult and if anyone reading this is struggling witht he idea of staying alive, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
Matt does slightly redeem himself by telling me to “get bent and shove this blog.” But I still wanted more. If someone is going to insult me, I really want to see some creativity and effort. So to Matt Blair, I say this:
Get bent. And I mean, like, Crazy Straw bent, all twisted and turned in so many different directions that you can’t even tell which way is up anymore. Like you think you’re right side up, but you are so bent that when snot drips out of your nose it goes right into that little canal in the corner of your eye seeping into your eyeball like the way Visene does for people who can’t put eyedroppers directly into their eyes.
And you should shove your comment, Matt, but where to shove? So many orifices, so little time, you know? Ass shoving is so predictable, so let’s not shove your comment there. I would suggest shoving it down your throat, but your throat is probably already full of the liberal agenda, the homosexual lifestyle or whatever it is that people are shoving down throats these days. How about just collectively shove the comment up your IP address? Cool?
Thanks for the comment, Matt. I certainly do love reading them. And please know that any time one of you leaves a comments, I will get an email notification about it, because just like that little asshole on the G train, I crave attention.