As I am wont to do, I spent a good portion of my day today scanning the Facebook pages of various restaurant chains to see if I could find anything that would inspire me to sit my lazy ass down at the computer and write a story. Lo and behold, the Applebee’s page was a treasure trove of idiocy. One after another, I read customers’ comments and couldn’t decide which post would be the one that would awake the lazy sleeping bitch inside my soul. And then I saw Judith’s comment. Like a moth to a flame, my eyes were drawn to it because every word of it made my nostril hairs tingle and my ears twitch. The pure cluelessness, entitlement, and self-centeredness of the post was ripe for a Bitchy Waiter takedown and here it comes and, like projectile diarrhea, this takedown is about to spew from me.
It appears that Judith took her granddaughter to Applebee’s to celebrate her last year as a pre-teen. Being 12 years old and painfully aware of the embarrassment of being at Applebee’s with her grandma, the young lady specifically requested that the staff not sing “Happy Birthday” to her. (I already like the child about 1000% more than her grandmother.) Much to the surprise and delight of Grandma, their server Chrissie still brought out a birthday sundae to celebrate the momentous occasion. “The food was delicious and Chrissie was great!” crows Grandma.
But then it turns bad. Real bad.
“We don’t tip on our bank cards and discovered we didn’t have the cash to give her the tip she deserved. But we’ll make up for that on our next visit! Chrissie, you really made her day!”
Hold up, Grandma. Did you just announce to the world that you basically stiffed Chrissie because you refuse to leave tips on credit cards? What kind of bullshit excuse is that? If you didn’t have the cash to tip her what she deserved, then the only logical thing for you to do was to get over your weird, paranoid, fear of leaving a tip on a credit card. Do you think that by not tipping it keeps the portal to your bank account closed? It doesn’t. Once the credit card is swiped or chipped, that portal’s open, honey. Wide open like a hungry power bottom at a leather daddy pool party. If you know for a fact that you never leave tips on credit cards, then it is your responsibility as a diner to make sure you have cash in your purse, pocketbook, brassiere, sock or tucked inside your back fat. Simply going to the Facebook page of Applebee’s and thanking your server is not enough. Well, I’m sure what you would have left as a cash tip wouldn’t be enough either, but this really isn’t enough. Chrissie can’t pay her bills with “good job.”
And to say that you will catch her the next time is another load of crap and you know it. You just expect Chrissie to be at Applebee’s at anytime in the future, day or night, just so you can tip her what she deserves? What if she has the day off the next time you take your ass up there for a Sweet Asian Pineapple Burger, what then? I know what then. You slide that five dollar bill back into your greasy back fat and say, “Oh well, we tried.” If you really want to make sure Chrissie gets the tip she deserves, you go back up there and give it to a manager in a sealed envelope and also inside that envelope is a letter of apology for not tipping her in the first place.
Judith, you meant well and I’m sorry to come down so hard on you. Maybe it’s been a while since you’ve had anyone come down hard on you, but it was time for that to happen. You’re welcome. I suspect that this Facebook post will be deleted very soon because you will see the error of your ways. Once you delete the post, I hope you will do the right thing and make sure Chrissie get the tip she earned. If you don’t do it for Chrissie, then do it for your granddaughter. The best birthday gift you can give her is a lesson on how to be a good tipper. That’s a gift that will last forever and will always keep on giving.