Man Gives Cheesecake Factory One Star Because of Gay People

It’s day three of the new year and my plan was to try to be more of thoughtful, caring soul in 2018. Then I looked at the name of my blog and went, “Fuck it.” Someone sent me a 1-star Yelp review by someone named Richard M. (I shall call him Dick for short) who did not enjoy his experience at The Cheesecake Factory. It wasn’t that he was disappointed with his Glamburger® of choice or that his fried macaroni and cheese balls were anything but a hot, gooey mess of salty perfection dripping from his chin. The thing that made Dick all hot and bothered was that he saw “to” men holding hands and kissing while they waited for a table. And the worst part of it all was that Dick’s two little boys had to witness this atrocity.

According to Dick, these two men were “tonging” each other without a care in the world and Dick thought this behavior was more suited to behind a bathroom stall or in a car. Well, guess what, Dick. It’s not illegal to be gay and the days of men and women having to hide their affection is gone. If your two little boys saw this, the only way they would think there is something wrong with it would be based on how you reacted to it, you big ol’ drama queen. If it had been a man and woman making out, I’m sure you would have been fine with it. And if it had been two women making out, it would probably remind you of your favorite porno. But two men? Clutch the pearls, girls. Dick can’t handle that and it’s all the fault of The Cheesecake Factory, so one star! I wonder what other things Dick doesn’t let his children see? People smoking cigarettes is bad so does he shield their virgin eyes every time someone lights up a Camel? I doubt it.

Dick plans to never return to this particular Cheesecake Factory and will go to the Hillcrest location instead. That will work out better for all involved, because we gays don’t go to the Hillcrest location. No, it’s true. As a gay, I know. It was in our monthly newsletter a few months ago:

Hey, girls! Heads up to all you queens who need to get your Golden Girls cheesecake fix: if you’re going to Cheesecake Factory, we only go to the one in the Fashion Valley mall because, duh. Fashion! Mall! Don’t go to the Hillcrest location. That’s where we let the straights go so they can live in their bubble of hetero, missionary-style sex and keep their kids away from things their stupid parents think they shouldn’t be exposed to. So if you need some Oreo® Dream Extreme Cheesecake, make sure you go to the Fashion Valley mall location. And make sure to make out while you wait for your table. If someone there doesn’t like it, it’s their own fault for going to the wrong Cheesecake Factory. Those people are dicks.

It’s 2018. I have high hopes for this year, but so far it’s the same old shit as I saw in 2017. Fuck you, Richard M. Get over yourself and face the facts that men kiss other men. Why don’t you worry about something that actually matters? By the way, you do realize that marijuana is legal in your state now, right? Make sure you don’t let your kids hear about that. Marijuana is the gateway drug and the next thing you know your little boys are going to get the munchies and be stuffing their faces with Buffalo Blasts® and Tex Mex Eggrolls. Meanwhile, we gays are going to be stuffing our faces with other things because just like weed, it’s legal.

Read Richard M.‘s review of The Cheesecake Factory on Yelp

18 thoughts on “Man Gives Cheesecake Factory One Star Because of Gay People

  1. Elisabeth

    Oh good GOD (am I even allowed to say that?)…Darron, I’ve been a fan of yours for years and years, you make me cry laughing daily. I LIVE HERE. I work right in the hood at two different jobs, and this is probably the most gay friendly, normal, safe place for anyone to be. Fashion Valley is a nice mall, but this is only a microcosm of the most vibrant, eclectic part of San Diego around. We have tons of independent restaurants where we treat people like people. This guy clearly didn’t know who he was messing with. I just read his other reviews and he’s a piece of garbage. Please don’t think badly about San Diego, we aren’t all like this. In fact, none of us are, except for this rude, abusive excuse for a man. Please come see me or any of my co-workers anytime, and we will give you exemplary service, and we could all give two shits about who is making out with who. And smoke all the weed you want, its legal. Love Liz and Eric Hagen.

  2. Kim

    I didn’t say that right…..I meant full on make out isn’t appropriate in a restaurant…no matter who you are. And I seriously doubt these men where behaving that way.

  3. Kim

    People always exaggerate when complaining. What he probably saw were 2 men holding hands and maybe a quick, sweet intimate moment. I have worked in the service industry for 32 years and have never witnessed a full on make out session.

    My question is: Whould he have been offended if it was a 50 year old hetro couple? That’s not appropriate in a restaurant either.

    The guy is just a bully and a jerk.

  4. Borb Chnadler

    Mike is blaming the proximity of Hillcrest for the behavior he encountered at this Cheesecake Factory, not stating that he will go to the Hillcrest location in the future to avoid it.

  5. Annie

    Being new to reading Yelp reviews, I don’t understand why they don’t have additional rectangles for readers’ comments to reviews. They need to add ‘moronic,’ ‘homophobic dumbass,’ and ‘terminally illiterate twit.’

    Once again, a searing indictment against our educational system.

  6. Tania Goodheart

    What an asshole!!!!!

    Just for more clarity on this Hillcrest is a PRIDE neighborhood with many LBGTQ owned businesses, and an area where people can be who they are without the side of persecution. San Diego for the most part is pretty damn enlightened, but unfortunately we are still burdened with assholes like this who expect Gay people to be puppy piled into “their neighborhood” and OMG shock and horror if they spill out into the real world now and then. Maybe Sick should avoid that possibility all together and move somewhere far far away like the Westboro Church cult compound.

  7. Stephanie Creede

    I am going to start 2018 by pretending we all live in a better reality, head-in-sand style. This will require so, so much lying to myself (and others!). I think I’m up for the challenge.

    See, you’ve got it wrong! He wasn’t bothered by the gay part, it was the “without a care in the world” part. He’s sad and more than a bit jealous that these people were just kissing away, neither of them worrying about, say, whether or not a cheque bounced or the impending nuclear war. He didn’t want the boys to see him tear up, so he hustled them away and distracted them with tickets to the musical Kinky Boots, and donated the money he would have spent on dinner, and then some, to PFLAG.

    So it has been written, boom, so it is true!

  8. Sarah Timbrell

    Obviously, this guy is a dick, but almost just as importantly, I will note that while teaching his children to be hate mongering little jerks, he is providing an atrocious example of simple spelling and grammar skills. He needs a DICKtionary.

  9. jen

    “Meanwhile, we gays are going to be stuffing our faces with other things because just like weed, it’s legal.”

    Slaying as always, BW!

  10. Janum

    Sometimes, I like to check out the other reviews these people post. I don’t even know where to start with this guy. Incredible. This review is actually tame compared to some of the other racist, idiotic ramblings he has for other businesses. Dude needs to chill out or stay home.

    1. Stephanie Creede

      Lol, he actually yelped a review of a classic rock FM radio station. An atrocious one.

      Yeah this guy has his finger on the pulse… I am crying laughing in real life guys.

    2. Mikkellerwindyhill

      I highly recommend everyone to go and read Richard M.’s reviews. Either this is an hilariously overachieving troll or this is the real deal. Either way this guy is fuckinh nuts!


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *