Another Stupid 1-Star Yelp Review

Ladies and gentleman, let me introduce you to Chris B. He lives in Tarpon Springs, Florida, but he might be better off moving down the road to Tampon Springs, because he’s pretty much a douche. (I realize that tampons and douches aren’t the same thing, but it’s early in the morning and I’m writing this before I go to work…) Chris just left a review on Yelp and it’s full of self-satisfaction, ego-stroking and a bit of verbal masturbation.

It seems Chris ordered a drink and his buddy accidentally knocked it over. I like how he uses the word “buddy” instead of “friend” to make it very clear they are not in any kind of romantic relationship. He may as well have said “no homo.” Anyway, they ordered food and ate it which is pretty much what one is expected to do while in a restaurant. After they ate, the manger told them they were not allowed to have another drink. We don’t know why, but maybe it was because the manager thought they had already had too much to drink. Or maybe they had done something else that prevented the manager from wanting them to stay any longer. Maybe the smell of Axe Body Spray was filling her lungs to the point of asphyxiation and she just needed them to get the fuck out as soon as possible. Whatever the reason, she made the call.

Chris did not like that decision, so he created a Yelp account in order to write his first and only Yelp review. While Chris is certainly entitled to leave his opinion of the restaurant on the Internet, it’s a stupid review. Chris is probably used to leaving things around that nobody wants; farts that smell like broccoli and tuna or deuces into toilets that don’t get flushed. My problem with his review is how he starts it:

“Okay, first of all, I’m an engineer, with a college degree.”

Okay, that has absolutely no bearing on the review. Anyone with half a brain and Internet access can leave a review on Yelp, so it’s not like being a college graduate with a degree in engineering means your review is any more special than the review of someone else, Chris. No one gives a shit about your educational history. You may as well have said, “I’m a Gemini who likes long walks on the beach and here’s my review” or “I once pulled an enormous amount of wax out of my ear and here’s my review.” It has no bearing on anything and the only reason you wrote that is to make yourself feel superior.

He advises people to “stay away from this place” and then throws in one more dig at the manager:

“(she) was probably 22 year old. I’d like to see her college degree, and treat me like that.”

Look, asshole. Why do you need to see her college degree? Oh, wait, it’s because you assume she doesn’t have one because how could someone who works in a restaurant actually be smart enough to go to college, let alone graduate, is that it? Maybe her degree is in hotel and restaurant management. Or maybe she has a BA in theater like I do. Or maybe her degree is in engineering but she decided she didn’t want to work with a bunch of asshole like you. It‘s pretty fucking presumptuous of you to insinuate that she doesn’t have a college degree. There are lots and lots of people in the restaurant industry who do have college degrees. And you know what? Even if she doesn’t have a degree, it doesn’t mean that you are better than she is, so get off your high horse of engineering, roll your degree up into a tube, slather it with some oleo and go fuck yourself with it, Chris. Maybe if you and your “buddy” could manage to make it through a meal without needing a sippy cup, managers at restaurants might be more willing to let you have a second drink. Grow the fuck up. Good luck with your second Yelp review. I can’t wait to read it.

Here is the full review for everyone to all go read. I bet if enough of it flag as abusive, it will get taken down and Chris will have to go back to his big fancy engineering office and figure out another way to try to impress people.

Read Chris B.‘s review of Cody’s Original Roadhouse on Yelp

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

19 thoughts on “Another Stupid 1-Star Yelp Review

  1. I think your review of your self opioned “stupid ” Yelp review is worse than the review itself. If you think it is acceptable to insinuate this “Chris B” is homophobic simply because he describes his buddy as knocking over the drink, you are no better than him assuming no one else who worked at the bar has a degree either. Is he supposed to falsely lie in his review and not state his “buddy” did not knock over the drink? How is someone supposed to tell a factaul encounter story with someone who is really just a friend and not their romantic partner to satisify what you deem is a non homophobic way of telling it? The more I read your review of his review, I see you also go on to “assume” many things about this Chris B. Way more in fact than he did.

  2. I have a BFA in Fine Art with a minor in Art History. Unfortunately you can’t support yourself or your kids by selling your work. So I frequently worked as a bartender, a barista, and a waitress. I did this in and out of school. You shouldn’t assume you know anything about anyone. This guy is making engineers everywhere look bad.

  3. I’ve worked with engineers, and a large portion of them are, to be kind, socially inept. I had a friend who made it a policy to NEVER date one. I’ve also worked with numerous people with Ph.D.’s (especially psychologists, and they are some of the most devious, mind-f**king people you’ll ever have to deal with – not all of them, mind you, but a pretty scary percentage)).

    My guess is, this cretin and his buddy probably had a lot a few drinks before they hit this establishment, as well as an embarrassingly low level of social skills. Hope they ban the dumbass.

    1. I doubt it’s a policy. This person was most likely acting in a manner that caused them to cut him off after one, if that’s even true. He may have come in already drunk, or just been being an obnoxious ass from the get-go. He just “forgot” to bring any of that up in the review.

  4. What a coincidence! I made a Yelp account just so I could report his review. That’s my good deed done for the day.
    Ps. I’m a virgo, went to makeup school and just got my hair cut.

  5. I’m a restaurant manager from South Africa and i was busy completing my doctorate in Medical Sciences so congrats on your weeny college degree Chris. I hope it gets you somewhere in life, somewhere far from me!

  6. My boyfriend went to school for engineering. Graduated. Went to work in the field. Went back to school to be a mechanic/master welder to fix all the f**k ups that the engineers made. So just because you have an engineering degree doesn’t mean you are smart or even good at your job. And Your probably an asshole that’s why they cut him off 😏

  7. I had my bachelors in business and was still working at the same pizzeria I had been at since junior year of high school. It was extremely hard to find a job in the same field as my degree and I wasn’t going to start over somewhere new for only a short period of time.

  8. Anyone with half a brain could figure out that the review is stupid. Given the mark up difference betweel alcohol and food, no manager would cut someone off without just cause. The engineer is jjust a self absorbed asshat.

  9. I have a masters but I make more as a server and can spend more time with my kids. All of my managers have masters as well. What an asshat.

  10. Bahahaha Tarpon Springs was my high school rival growing up. Always referred to them as tampon Springs. Unfortunately this sample of the population doesn’t surprise me. Yeesh

  11. I wonder if he’s related to a certain “Derek B” that Called me a “snooty little Bi!@*tch face” in a one-star on Google Reviews for Shrimpwrecked…. 😂

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