Daily Horoscope; Waiter/Waitress Edition

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You are enthusiastic and goal driven, but today will test you. A customer will crush your enthusiasm with their oppressive need for all things in a hurry and your only goal will be to get the fuck out of the restaurant as soon as possible. Make sure you have an extra apron on hand because the stars are pointing toward a major ketchup spill sometime this afternoon.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Heed the warning of the moon today, stubborn bull. You might be focused on making money but the moon has other ideas. Specifically, an idea about one of your customers leaving you a 5% tip even though you gave them perfect service. Brush it off and look to your next table who will more than make up for it. They’ll be a pain in the ass, but worth it. Also, be nice to the kitchen.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Today is a day to put your speaking skills to work because no one in your section is going to know what the hell they want to order even though they will stare at their menus for ten minutes. You know you have two personalities, so use one of them to coax an order from them and then use your other personality to call them a dumbass when you get to the sidestand!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You always like to keep people guessing and today is no different. When your boss asks you how you are, don’t answer. Just smile. And then frown. And then smile again. Your inconsistent nature will win out when your boss stops talking to you which is exactly what you wanted in the first fucking place.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You know you love yourself, but pull away from the mirror for three minutes to pay attention to a table today who will want to give you a special compliment. Brace yourself, because it’s going to be a backhanded compliment, but take it anyway. And then fart as you walk away.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You do this every day anyway because you like to be organized and analytical, but write down your orders today because someone will question what you serve them. And then you can look at your order pad and say, “No, bitch. I wrote that shit down.” And is that a love interest in the kitchen or just someone who wants you to go get them a Coke?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Almost everyone gets along with you, Libra, but don’t take that for granted. Beware of a coupon-carrying old man who is going to decide he does not like you when you explain to him that his coupon is just as expired as his right to keep on breathing. Don’t let it get you down. He’ll kick the bucket eventually and then everyone in the world will like you again. Smile even though it’s fake.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your intense nature will serve you well today when a coworker questions your work ethic. All you need to do in order to answer that question is stare at them, your eyes boring a hole right through their soul until they sulk away like the asshole coward they are. You’re used to treating people with loyalty and kindness, but that person can eat a bag dicks.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Try to get some extra sleep before you go to work today because you will need more than your normally positive outlook to get through the shit show the stars have planned for you today. And if you can’t get in a nap, do a shot of tequila. Seriously. Today is going to suck ass. Call out if you can.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your active mind and your need to be in control is flying out the window today thanks to Jupiter being all up in Uranus today. Take notice of a customer with blond hair who can change the direction of your day. It might not be the direction you want, but it’s better than what Uranus has in mind.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s a good thing you don’t care what others think about you because someone in your section today plans on writing a shitty Yelp review about you. But then you will characteristically take that opportunity and run with it by sending that bad review to Bitchy Waiter who will consequently rip them a new asshole. Lucky number: 9!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You are a very good friend and an even better listener, but you will not want to hear what one of your tables is going to want to order today. They won’t look at the menu and they will be allergic to every single thing you have to offer. Fear not. The walk-in is your friend. Go in there and scream until you feel better and then go serve that bitch a bowl of ice cubes.

If Your Birthday Is Today
Big fucking deal. What do you expect, a free dessert or a bunch of random strangers to stand around and sing to you? Nobody cares about your birthday except you and a few friends of yours who will call you or text you out of obligation. Happy birthday.

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