Dude, I am totally going to write a blog post today even though it’s 4/20 and I have way better things to do, man. I won’t say what better things I have to do, but seeing that it’s 4/20 figure it out. How about a Comment on Comments blog? That sounds like a really good idea, but it does not sound better than a big plate of Pizza Rolls. I dunno why I am so suddenly hungry for Pizza Rolls. Oh my God, I would totally eat some Pizza Rolls if I had them, wouldn’t you? They are, like, so good. Pizza Rolls are like my spirit animal. Or nachos. I love you, Pizza Rolls. Okay, anyway. A couple of people had some kinda like rude things to say so I like, wanted to respond:
Anonymous says: If you don’t want to wait on people like this- get out of the service industry or work at an establishment that doesn’t accept those type of reservations. You need to do your job- with a smile! it is the service industry.
Hey, Anonymous. I just gave away my last fuck a couple of days so sadly I don’t give a fuck anymore. It’s my blog and I can write what I want to write. Oh, snap! That’s right, I said “snap!” You know what would be good right now? A Snapple Iced Tea. Right? Whatever happened to Wendy the Snapple Lady? I wonder if she got fired or if she quit. I liked Wendy. I wish I could give her a hug right now. I wanna hug Wendy the Snapple Lady and then I want to make her a cupcake made out of Cap’n Crunch. That sounds so good right now. My God, why on earth do I have the munchies? Anyway.
Joseph P. says: I’ll tell you what I don’t have any patience for…a bitchy waiter. Life happens. People go to restaurants. I’m sorry you don’t get to stand by the velvet rope and choose who gets in. Yes. It sucks. I probably wouldn’t like it much better, but then, if I was that bitter, I’d probably not be in the hospitality industry.
Listen Joseph, I am in this business because that is where the road took me. Would I rather be at a place that had a velvet rope where I got to choose who I waited on? Yes, that would be divine. Speaking of divine, do you like Bette Midler? She was so good in For the Boys. She totally should have won an Oscar for that, right? She’s on Broadway now doing Hello, Dolly. I kinda want to see it, but then again, I kinda know exactly what to expect. Okay, sorry, I keep losing my train of thought for some reason. Is it 4:20 PM yet? I have an “appointment” that is very important. Anyhoo, the service industry is my home. It means so much to me. Hey, I have an idea!!! Oh my God, it’s such a great idea. What if everyone who was in the service industry decided that we would all embrace our jobs and give the most amazing service to every single customer and then all those customers would be so happy that they would then go out into the world and be nice to everyone else and then those people would do the same thing and before we know it, the whole world would be all happy and perfect and it would be all because the waiters and waitresses of the world started it. We can make a change, y’all. We can, you know? I mean right this second I feel so close to everyone and I want to share my feelings with everyone I meet and- hey, does anyone know if Saved By The Bell comes on? I totally feel like watching that right now. Or Bewitched. I love Bewitched. Oh my God! How great would it be to eat some Pizza Rolls and drink a Snapple while watching Bewitched? If that could happen, I would be so happy.
Okay, where was I? Oh, it’s 4/20. Doesn’t 4/20 have some sub-culture reference? I’m not sure. But I have to go now. I have a friend to meet at the Starbucks in Columbus Circle who is going to loan me a book that I want to read. We meet every two weeks for a book exchange. My friend’s name is Booger. He smells like patchouli.
Happy 4/20. Go read a book.