Nude Restaurant to Open Soon in London

Photo via NY Daily News

Perhaps you have heard about the newest dining trend in merry old England where restaurant customers can go out to eat while wearing absolutely no clothing at all. The place is called The Bunyadi and is expected to open in London in June. As of this writing, there are already 33,450 people on the waiting list and I have it on good authority that Queen Elizabeth is number one on the list while Helen Mirren is taking her sloppy seconds in the number two spot.

The twisted and sick individual who came up with this idea is named Seb Lyall and he claims it’s a chance for people to get back to nature. In keeping with that theme, the food on the menu will also be free of artificial colors and chemicals and the dining room will have electric lights while smartphones will not be allowed. There will, however, be candlelight, which sounds like a swell idea with a bunch of naked people trying to eat in the dark. I guess the plus side of eating in dim candlelight is that you won’t be able to get a good view of your dining companion when they drip queso on their tits and it leaves a first degree burn. The menu will feature “wood-flame-grilled meats served on handmade clay crockery and edible cutlery.” Oh, and the furniture is wooden logs and benches because, you know, it’s all-natural. And nothing says fine dining like getting splinters in your ass from a log while you try to eat some meat off of a piece of crockery with a shitty fork and knife.

The kitchen staff will be allowed to cover up while they prepare the food, but I suppose that means as soon as they put the fire-grilled meat in the window, they can uncover themselves and let their own personal meat sway free in the breeze. Servers will have “minimal covering” and I can only wonder how long it will be before some woman writes a review on Yelp claiming that the waitress was flirting with her husband and she found a pube in the pot of her potatoes.

Seb Lyall can claim this restaurant is a chance for people to get back to nature, but let’s call it what it is: a publicity stunt. And a damn good one if he already has over 33,000 people ready to go eat there. I’m sure it will not be as exciting as people think since the majority of people who choose to go naked are not the people you want to see naked. I know this, for I have been to many a nude beach and it’s always full of soft, fleshy people and only occasionally do you see someone that makes you say, “Now that is a person who should be at the nude beach!” (Full disclosure: I count myself in the soft and fleshy group.)

Since the place has not opened yet, we don’t know how the service will go, but I imagine it to go something like this:

Waiter: Cheery oh, mate. My name is Duncan and I will be your server tonight. And this is my penis, Lil Dunk. May I start you off with anything to drink?

Customer: This log I’m sitting on is rough.

Waiter: If you think the log is rough, you should feel my penis. I spilled a hot soup on it two days ago and it’s got a dreadful scab all over it. Anyway, our special tonight is oven baked fish and chips.

Customer: Oven baked? Not fried?

Waiter: Sadly, we had to do away with our deep fryer because the oil was popping too much and burning the penis of the head chef.

Customer: I thought the kitchen staff was covered.

Waiter: Oh. Yes, right. Anyway.

Customer: This log is really chaffing my bum. May I have a chair, please?

Waiter: Oh, well chairs aren’t really all that natural. Give me a moment and I will roll a boulder over for you to sit on.

Customer: And it’s a little dark and I can’t read the menu.

Waiter: Not a problem, sir. Let me move the candle closer to you and tilt it over so you can have better light. Do please be careful with the wax as it drips. I’d hate to bloody burn your penis off. The head chef and I can assure you it quite uncomfortable.

Customer: I’m outta here.

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