I Just Found the Biggest A**hole on the Internet

15350505_1137233399729783_4754573525381144402_nAfter about 525,600 people sent me this photo, I figured I needed to address it. Some asshole came up with a really fun game for him and his wife to play when they go out to eat dinner and I think it’s all kinds of lame:

So I took the wife out to dinner last night, and we have always talked about doing this. You put 5 singles out on the table at the beginning of dinner for the waiter/waitress to see. (Don’t say anything to them) if they mess up, you take a dollar away, and so on. At the end of dinner, however much is left, is their tip. I shit you not, you will receive the best service of your life. The waitress Kept looking at it as if she was confused. But she played her cards right, did a great job and received the whole 5 bucks. I did take away a dollar tho bec she forgot the bread, but she bounced back and gave us extra. Haha all in all a great evening with my love and a good dinner experiment we both wanted to play out. Try it, you will be surprised!

There is so much wrong with this, I need to take it line by line:

“So I took the wife out to dinner last night, and we have always talked about doing this.” When most people talk about the things they have always wanted to do, they are thinking exotic trips to foreign lands, buying a second home or going skydiving. Not this couple, though. They dream of toying with the financial well-being of waitress who is just hoping she will get a fucking 20% tip from her asshole customer.

“You put 5 singles out on the table at the beginning of dinner for the waiter/waitress to see. (Don’t say anything to them).” If I had a customer do that, I wouldn’t think twice about them not saying anything to me about why there was money on the table. And what if we don’t see it? Are you going to wave those five bills in our face and then place them back on the table just to make sure I’m paying attention to them? You’re an ass.

“if they mess up, you take a dollar away, and so on. At the end of dinner, however much is left, is their tip.” So that means you get to sit through your whole dinner with a clipboard and a calculator in order to keep tabs on every move your server makes? Yeah, that sounds like a really great dinner for your wife. And does every mistake merit one dollar? If I spill a soda I  lose a dollar but if I spill one drop of water do I still lose a whole dollar? Because if that’s the case, I’d wanna know up front so I can make the most out of my mistakes. I mean, if I’m going to lose a dollar, I want to make sure it’s worth it.

“I shit you not, you will receive the best service of your life.” First off, I hate people who say “I shit you not.” Second off, no server is going to intentionally give you the best service of your life just because you happen to leave five crisp George Washington’s on the table. Chances are, the service is going to be the same as it was had you kept those bills in your wallet because servers are not trained fucking monkeys who try extra hard when we see someone dangle a goddamn peanut in front of our face.

“The waitress Kept looking at it as if she was confused. But she played her cards right, did a great job and received the whole 5 bucks.” I seriously doubt the waitress was confused. Honestly, she probably never even noticed that you were playing a little game. And the only way she would have been excited to receive the “whole 5 bucks” is if your bill was $15. It’s not like five bucks is a huge tip, cheap ass.

“I did take away a dollar tho bec she forgot the bread, but she bounced back and gave us extra.” My guess is that she didn’t bring the bread because she noticed there was a dollar missing from your enormous pile of cash. It’s more likely that it slipped her mind for a minute and then when she was at another table she thought, “Oh, fuck, I never got the bread for that asshole at Table 16, I better go do that.”

“Haha all in all a great evening with my love and a good dinner experiment we both wanted to play out. Try it, you will be surprised!” Yeah, it sounds like it was a great damn time. I just want to stress that your bill better have been for $25 or less because if it was for any more than that, your tip was pretty disappointing, which might be the same thing your “love” said about you after the first time you had sex. But she tried it and she was surprised!

Bottom line: Don’t be an asshole and use your whole time at a restaurant actively looking for ways to tip your server less. That’s not why you go out to dinner. We want you to have a nice time and we will give you the best service we know how to give. In return, we expect our customers to treat us with respect and not look at us like we are dogs waiting for a treat. Anyone who tries this little experiment sucks at life.

And I encourage you all to click here to buy my book that is full of even more bitching and bad words.

52 thoughts on “I Just Found the Biggest A**hole on the Internet

  1. Bob

    I remember that from 3rd Rock from the Sun, it was quite a funny episode. If you haven’t seen it, take a look.

    Personally I find the whole concept of tipping a bit demeaning, like throwing your loose change at the peasant who stables your horse. I remember a bit from a Discworld novel where it’s a tradition to literally throw your tips at the servants and have them chase it.

    In fact I’ve actually seen people (mostly in poorer countries with big rich/poor divides) literally toss their tips at servers/shop staff. One guy in China basically flicked his notes to the shop girl, and she had to pick it up off the ground.

    But I come from a country where waiters get paid $23/hour, so it might be different in the US, don’t you guys get paid like $10 an hour or something?

  2. JB

    whoa ! One didn’t realize the hate is strong for “bitchy waiters” on this blog. Well what can one do if the cards were already stacked against them? Do the best job as they can I’m sure. Also, doesn’t help if folks are complaining about other folks as soon as they start their shifts ? Especially about other teammates, def great for team morale & comradeship. I would disagree, plumbers never bitch about their jobs. Its fun & being a waiter is too, especially when everyone wants each other to succeed.

  3. JD

    I went out with a guy who did this, years and years ago. I didn’t realize this was a “thing”; I thought it was just him. Our first and last date. I’ve never been a waitress but I was raised to treat people better.

    I was at a restaurant with my husband, and my sister and her husband. The manager came over to our table as soon as we sat down with a young girl in tow. He explained that she was a trainee and we were NOT to tip her. My sister was overjoyed at that. I thought it sucked. She was sweet and nervous, she did well but messed up our wine order–I told her we were going to drink whatever she brought so don’t worry about it. My sister insisted on handling the check (we gave her cash for our half) and as we were leaving I slipped a $20 to that girl and told her she was doing a fine job. Screw that manager!

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  9. Chris

    I agree that this couple is extremely rude and probably lacking the intelligence needed to be anything other than a nuisance to hardworking well mannered people, but this whole walk in my shoes shit is retarded…… don’t get me wrong I appreciate great service and always tip well. I believe 20% is for bad service and much better percentage for great service, but if you are in service industry you know dealing with douchebags like this is part of the job. Your self entitled “hard job” sob stories are as lame as a plumber complaining about water, or a cop complaining about criminals. I have waited on tables when I was younger and your job is not difficult, or “only for certain kinds of people”. Your job is for people unable to find a professional job or people who lack the education for a career.

    1. Genevieve

      I’m working on my second degree. I serve because I make good money in the little time i have between TWO OTHER JOBS AND SCHOOL FULL TIME. I don’t get a day off. I can assure you, your pretentious attitude alone would prevent you from doing my job with excellence. Also, you’re obviously on the wrong website if you are here to attack servers’ intelligence.

      Take a seat, you snobby bitch.

    2. Julia

      Currently working towards my master’s degree at a top 10 university, while I work full-time (in a professional 9-5 office setting). I bartend on the nights/weekends to pay tuition, so no, this job is not “for people unable to find a professional job or people who lack the education for a career”.

      Assuming you did not intend for your last sentence to be as insulting as it came off as, I do agree with your point re: servers who believe serving is more difficult than other jobs/act like serving shitty customers is the end of the world. That being said, you’re on a blog literally called “the bitchy waiter”. I’m just confused about why you’d be surprised that servers are on here . . . . bitching about their jobs? Surely even a plumber gratuitously bitches about their job from time to time?

      Bitching about customers off-duty is what allows us to go back to work the next day with a smile on our face.

  10. Brenda Homrich Brinks

    Aren’t you clever, Mr and Mrs Asshat. While you gleefully went about your little “game”, your server was doing the serious job of making sure you had a good experience with the expectation that she would be compensated accordingly so she could pay her bills. Maybe buy Christmas gifts. The fact that you seem so proud of your shitty little five dollar tip makes me cringe at the thought that you and your other half may grace restaurants with your presence with any regularity. You’re probably the over demanding type who runs a server absolutely ragged so you feel you’ve gotten your money’s worth. I’d like to shove those five greenbacks up your ass but it’s probably so tight I’d need a crowbar. What an absolute tool you are.

  11. Hercule

    I wonder if the guy is just a troll, putting this story out to upset people. Even if we eat out at a pizza place, the bill is usually above $25, with a soda or salad, so I’m not sure which restaurants he’s choosing (or maybe they just eat the free bread and order an appetizer?).

    I suppose the server might not be quite as upset if you did this with 5 $50 bills, but with $1 bills, it is absurd.

  12. Haredawg

    Looks like a plastic knife so I’m guessing the tab wasn’t that much. Or, and more likely, the guy just thought this a cool idea and set up the photo. It’s an age where internet famous is valuable to a lot of people, even if, or especially if, they come off as assholes. I like your article, I might have written it exactly like that, but, in the back of my mind I’d be thinking ‘I’m the bigger internet asshole here.’

    I know very few people who didn’t work food service at one time or the other in their lives. It’s the reason people always give for tipping well. Tipping is not some secret handshake nor is it crumbs to the servents. This guys biggest asshole mistake was the assumption that he was somehow different, that his tip served as some sort of lesson.

    The only real trick I know to guaranteeing good service, and it might not always work, is tip big in a place you’re planning on coming back too the next few days. I always remembered the big tips for days, the stiffs I grudged for an evening.

  13. Lee

    How would you feel if was $100 – 5 $20 bills on the table? Would that make the game worth playing? Or is it just the whole idea that you are being treated like a trained monkey and it doesn’t matter how much money is there?

    1. CC

      Last time I checked, I did not have an organ grinder following me around at work. No, the amount of money would not matter. Would I like a 100$ tip? Sure. But I’m not going to juggle hula hoops for a douche bag, to get it.

    2. Brenda Homrich Brinks

      Bingo! If I wanted to work in a circus I’d find one. My job isn’t a game to me. Though I have a lot of fun at it I take it very seriously, and it isn’t a game to me. I find it insulting that anyone would think that I have to be baited into providing good service with a visual aid.

    3. Megan

      I’ll be honest Lee, It is the whole idea that appalling. It is an act of superiority and done to belittle the server. I have been a server for five years and have seen and heard many unkind things. This, to me, is super awful. It’s putting a server on the spot, saying they can NEVER make a mistake, and in my opinion is suggesting that the server is less than or stupid to the guest. I simply wouldn’t take the guest (no matter the amount of money). I would do it politely, as I believe hate begets more hate. However, I am a great server and a wonderful human being…and I am just not going to be treated that way. I will also say; I would never dream of treating anyone in this manner. It is unbecoming!

  14. Amber

    Let me guess, these guys voted for Trump. CO-LOSSAL, trashy, assholes. And $5 is such a shitty tip indeed! Idiotas. I have a no-spit policy but this would really tempt me to break it. Or something worse than spit…
    Regardless they are carving out a new ring in hell for this dude.

    **BW btw finally bought your book online! Have been meaning to forever! Sorry I’m such a lazy bitch! But better late than never right

  15. Laura

    I have to say $5 is pretty much a crap tip in our restaurant. Our check avgs for breakfast and lunch are btwn $20-25 per person. So for 2 ppl that would be 10% and I give WAY better service. If someone tries to play that game w me, I’ll smile and give them 10% service while giving my other tables my usual great service. At least they’re letting me know right up front that they are assholes.

  16. Erin

    This was on third rock from the sun years ago. You know Dick, the alien who is really out of touch of human behavior. He also humiliated his date, Mary in the process.

  17. Shell Bell

    I’ve never been a server (don’t have the brain power), but this really makes me furious. How about anyone being served by a waiter or waitress just thank their lucky stars that they have the means to do so? How about we treat our fellow human beings with respect and kindness? How about we tip at the end of the meal whatever we wish (20% is what I tip, sometimes 25%), and then say thank you and leave, and not play some sick game? It’s not hard to be a decent person, and it’s made much, much easier when we are in a privileged position, like a restaurant diner. Seriously, to anyone who thinks this kind of behaviour is okay, fuck off. Just fuck off.

  18. April

    I personally think it should be requirement for everybody to be wait staff a bartender or a cook at one point in there lives. Then we wouldnt have assholes like this playing games with peoples livelihood

  19. Lada

    Sounds like a real classy couple. I suggest they don’t go to the same place more than once…. after all the waiter/ runner handles food before it hits the table. Lot can happen in the meantime.

  20. Katy

    I’d be wondering why this idiot has dirty money next to where his food is. I’d probably tell him to be careful, his money might get wet from a beverage (and also wonder if after handling all that money that’s been God knows where, he’s going to touch food without washing his hands and put it right in this mouth.) What. An. IDIOT.

  21. Misti

    Money is made or earned not given for free. Customer service should be great, without guests you wouldn’t have a job at that establishment. I do the same, except I tip better. No one enjoys waiting forever for something to drink or not getting the quality you deserve when you go out instead of staying in and cooking yourself. A great tip means you did a great job, and a lousy tip probably means you could’ve made their experience better. You never know when your customer service skills could be the best part of someone’s day!!

    1. Mrs Mac

      Of course if your service is crap you may give a tip to reflect that, but do remember Misti dear, being a cunt is still optional. Dangling a paltry amount of money in front of someone like that is petty, trashy and completely unsanitary to boot. Nothing dirtier than note money. I am not a waitress but I really appreciate good service and I have never had to do something as awful as this to get excellent service.

    2. Barbara

      I can’t even say what I want to say to you about your post… other than your an idiot! As if we don’t know what our job entails. Get out, really, we wouldn’t have a job without your fat ass sitting in our booth. Thank you for clearing that up for all us food servers. We had no idea! Walk one day in our shoes. Most people couldn’t do what we do. Maybe you should try it. Then come back here and post your thoughts.

    3. bill n

      I’m inferring you’ve never worked as a server & haven’t had the experience of being on the receiving end. I haven’t either, BUT I’ve been a restaurant manager (though I’m not in the food service biz now). I managed 5 restaurants before I was 30 (two simultaneously, in fact) , & I’ve seen it all — good service, bad service, mediocre service, excellent service, excellent customers, more or less decent customers, & total jackleg jerks. I know good service & bad, & I also know that at times there will be legitimate reasons for things not working right, that are not the fault of the server, just as there are times when there’s *no* legit reason for the process’s being broken.

      This guy definitely falls solidly & entirely into the last category. Completely apart from the fact that he didn’t even have the smarts to come up with this on his own (It’s a VERY old trick used by skinflints to give themselves an excuse to cheap out.), he is gleefully trying to run a pitiful power trip & make himself feel superior. In my time as a manager I’ve not only fired more than one person, I’ve also ordered customers to leave because they were abusing my people. NO customer has a right to enact this childish power play on any server. Ever. Period. It’s threatening & bullying, & that’s being *kind* about it.

      If the service is good, leave a good tip. If it’s bad, leave a bad one, *&* talk to a manager, being decent about it., not a raging asshat.

      Another thing I’ll say is that given my experience & actual knowledge of what the other side looks like, I ALWAYS tip well, even for just decent service, because I know what the wait staff goes through & the crap they face from jackasses on a daily basis. If I see a jackass (most often a family with kids who trash the place with no supervision, or huge parties the hyper-pious pontifical types who demand constant service regardless of the server’s other customers & figure leaving a Bible verse as a tip is righteous & “Christian”), I watch to see what they do for tipping. If they stiff the server (& sadly they very often do), *I* will make up the tip in addition to my own, & I make it a good one because *I* KNOW what their world is like, unlike a lot of people who come in & treat a restaurant as their own personal (albeit temporary) domain, & the wait staff as their personal servants.

      The Golden Rule applies, always; if a person can’t hack acting decently toward people serving them, then that person doesn’t belong at a table or booth to begin with. Again, Period.

  22. Nikki

    I literally feel I am at a loss of words over this. I am a waitress & want to tell everyone who does this job that you are a total fucking badass. This type of work isn’t for everyone and there are days customers like those assholes come in that make us wonder how are we able to keep our cool without bitchslapping the couple at booth 10. We are the waiters, waitresses, servers, bartenders and we work really fucking hard. I am proud to be a part of this community.

  23. Lisa Renee

    If I saw money like that sitting on the table, I would either say “oh, I see the tip for the last server wasn’t picked up, let me get that out of your way” or “could you please put your money away, if hate to have dinner spilt on it and then you walk around w a wet pocket. ” that way, I don’t give them the power of thinking I give one fuck about their money….and they’d have to either put it away, explain it or watch me walk away with it. Hate douche canoe like this.

  24. Cassie Herrin

    Wow, never in my life would I want to cross paths with Mr and Mrs Fucktard. People like that are obviously the bottom of the barrel in all aspects life. I find their lack of intelligence disturbing. May the server gods dish out karma these people deserve accordingly.

  25. The Stacy

    I had a “guest” I used to wait on in the 80’s who pulled this shit….”I shit you not”. At least back then 5 clams was still a decent tip. This douchebaggery has been around for a loooong time….and here he is thinking he is being original and clever. As Eric said….it’s been done. It’s STILL a total asswipe move. Too bad we don’t have his information!

  26. Eric Larrabee

    This guy’s not even smart enough to think of those on his own. This exact stunt was don’t in the show Third Rick from the Sun.

  27. laura

    Hate to say this…my sister did this when we went out for dinner with her. Being a waitress I was appalled and told our server don’t worry I am leaving the tip and you get extra for being so insulted by a very rude customer. Never will I go out to eat with her again.

  28. LaFawne

    What a sad couple. I actually feel sorrier for them than their waitress. She probably has a life and enjoys it, while these two are stuck with their own sorry selves, all day every day. A big hug for that poor server and I hope she made it into a funny story for her family. And I hope the “customers”- (total assholes would be a better name for them) experience Karma in all her glory really soon……No excuse for this type of behavior! Joke about it amongst yourselves, sure, if you want to. But NEVER actually treat another human being in that atrocious manner.

  29. Harold Gallagher

    Just wanted to say that I loved this article – more specifically, the responses to it! I work at the Red Lobster in Piqua, Ohio. I am not a server, I work in the back as a baker. I get my fair share of grief, but not like our servers (or servers in general). I applaud all servers for putting up with “guests” like the couple in this article – I could never do that, because I would probably ultimately say something to any guests who played a silly game like this, and then I’d either get written up for it, lose my job, or both – I served 18 honorable years of active duty military service, between two branches (Navy, then Army), which made me a better person, and also toughened me up – physically and mentally….the point being, I would have no qualms about telling some obviously rude guests to go fuck themselves. I would never be loud or create a scene, in dealing with a couple like this….I’d be more subtle about it – but I would still tell them to shove it! But anyway, great article and great responses!

    1. Laura

      I used to work at a red lobster in Ontario as a line cook/alley coordinator (whatever that b.s. title means) and I have so much respect for the bakers! I worked one shift as baker and I nearly lost my damn mind because we all know 97% of people come into red lobster to shove as many of those liquid margarine drenched starch globs into their faces as they can..

  30. kate

    5 dollars button your shirt your heart is gonna fall out, you should be ashamed of your selves such a little tip hope you get what you deserve maybe your boss letting you go cause you forgot something ass hole

  31. Rosemarie Carosone

    Is that a plastic knife? Must have been a high class place or he’s one of those special customers lol. What a moron!

    1. Lynty

      I would stand at the table, pick up the money & the knife, lick his knife, fold up the money & shove it in his drink with the knife. With a smile, of course! 🙂


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