An Applebee’s Birthday is the Best Birthday

Happy Birthday, Beverly! We here at Applebee’s do a lot for birthdays! First of all, we gather the entire staff around your table so we can all give thanks that you were born. It’s sorta the same thing as Christmas, except instead of being thankful for the birth of Jesus Christ Our Savior, we’re just really pumped that Beverly was born! As soon as everyone has their five minutes each to tell you what a special snowflake you are, the real festivities begin! Clowns, balloons, monkeys, crazy hats, water sports and a 30-minute foot massage is what we have in store for you!

Clowns: they will sit at your table and make farting noises the entire time you are at the restaurant. You will also get to be part of an all out pie-throwing party! (Please note: the “pies” will actually be plates of Triple Chocolate Meltdown®) You will be covered in “pie.” In fact, if you don’t find some type of dessert crammed into your deepest orifice, we will keep throwing pies until that happens. Fun!

Balloons: our very own in-house balloon artist will create a one-of-a-kind balloon sculpture of you! That’s right, Beverly! It will be life size and it will be scary as hell.

Monkeys: your meal will be brought out to by a group of trained chimpanzees who will dance for you if you toss them a shiny penny. They will be wearing little bow ties, vests and teeny, tiny little fezzes. The monkeys will also join the clowns in making farting noises. However, while the farts from the clowns will be created by various whoopee cushions, the farts from the monkeys will be actual farts. (Please note: we are not responsible if a monkey rips off your face or the face of any of your guests. Should that happen, just remember how cute they were while they were doing it.)

Crazy Hats: you and your entire party will be given wacky hats that will create just the right atmosphere for your celebration. From sailor hats, to top hats, to beanies, everyone will love wearing fun hats. But don’t you worry, Beverly. You will be wearing a crown because you are a pretty, pretty princess who deserves nothing but the best!

Water Sports: we will clear the dining room of all other tables and turn it into a swimming pool where you can play Marco Polo and high dive off a hostess stand. It may seem crazy that we would ask everyone else to leave just so we can build you a swimming pool, but it’s not every day that you celebrate a birthday, is it? Birthdays are a huge deal and if a few of our other customers are accidentally drowned while we “fill the pool,” it’s alright. It’s what they get for coming to Applebee’s on Beverly’s birthday.

Foot Massage: we will have our pantry cook, Rosalia, stop what she is doing and come rub your feet for half an hour. She will use a handful of crushed Churro S’mores to exfoliate your feet and then soak them in your choice of BBQ, spicy sweet Asian chile, classic & hot buffalo or thai peanut sauce. (Please note: allow up to ninety minutes for this massage to be completed as Rosalia will have to stop and go to the kitchen each time someone orders something in pantry.)

Beverly, we cannot wait to have you as our guest here at Applebee’s! We know that birthdays are a very rare thing and not everyone gets to have one, so we take them seriously. It is our goal to give you a birthday you will never forget! See you soon, birthday girl!

26 thoughts on “An Applebee’s Birthday is the Best Birthday

  1. Berlin

    I’m Jahovas witness, my religion doesn’t celebrate birthdays, or any other holiday and I am forbidden to sing. (Wink)

  2. Chelsie

    I work at an Applebee’s located next to a Finleys, people go there for a free birthday steak and come to my restaurant after for the free dessert and order waters. Oh lawd.

  3. Renee

    Bob has no friends & his mother is the lady that comes in with her other old hag & they have a Birthday every month just to get something for free.

  4. Mary

    Well then maybe Beverly should merely call her local Applebee’s and ask to see what they do, rather than open up fair game on Facebook. Wow, Applebee’s for a birthday. I’ll be laughing at and toasting her from Morton’s.

  5. LaFawne

    OK, I am almost always on Bitchys side, but this time I have to point out that she simply asked a sincere question. No snarking or demanding special treatment, just “what do you do”?
    Some restaurants offer free cake or dessert or an appetizer. Some do nothing. She seemed to just be checking, perhaps so she could plan where to eat. Personally, I eat where I like the food, not where I get free stuff but to each his own!
    Anyway, just playing devil’s advocate for once 🙂
    And Bob seems to need a hug- so here (Bob).

  6. CincyDrunk

    Weeeee! I have a birthday coming up next week and I can’t wait to celebrate! …..With friends. Not complete strangers. And definitely not at Applebee’s.

  7. Samantha

    Waiters remain waiters? Lmao. Did you know most ppl waitress as a way to get through how they’re going to better themselves until they don’t have to “just wait tables”? Someone like you should wait tables for a day. Then you’d stfu with your smart ass comments. Bob is probably the kind of guy who believes all wait staff are beneath him as well. As schmuck, this is why Bob will always be a fckin shmuck! Happy New Year douche!

    1. Marie

      Well I have been a server for 30 years, bought a car, house and alot more!!! I probably make more than these I f it’s complaining!!!

  8. Nina

    If someone’s birthday can get ruined by a complete stranger not wishing them a happy birthday, that was a shitty birthday to begin with.

    1. dead_elvis

      If someone’s birthday can get ruined by a complete stranger not wishing them a happy birthday, that was a shitty someone to begin with.


    1. McChicken

      I would love to see how you keep a smile on you face when someone is yelling at you that their birthday is ruined cause of you. Good luck

    2. Cg

      And this ladies and gentlemen is why customers not guests are a pain in the butt. Btw bob we probably make more money than you, so I’d be bitter too!

    3. Cg

      And this ladies and gentlemen is why customers not guests are a pain in the butt. Btw bob we probably make more money than you, so I’d be bitter too!

    4. Nathan

      Bob let me just shine some light on your narrow little mind, some of us waiters love doing this job and im sure I probably make more than you.

      1. Rayanna

        Ok server here for longer than I want to admit….the money is GREAT for under 30 standards but I’m almost a dinosaur waitress don’t kid yourselves and get cocky.

  9. Jody

    Timely post. A couple weeks ago my friend took me to Applebee’s for a birthday dinner. The teen-aged daughter asked the server if they do anything for birthdays and I piped in “as long as you don’t sing to me.” The server looked relieved at that remark (and yes, she did get a good tip).

  10. Alan

    Whenever a guest would pull me aside and ask the same question, I usually responded with something like “I’ll wish the birthday boy/girl a happy birthday!”

    And the guest would look at me like “Oh! Is that all?”

    So I had to restrain myself in asking the birthday person’s age suggesting that I’d be happy to dish out a birthday spanking. Hell, the whole family can count out each lick as I administer the “present” to a posterior!


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