In what world are people living where they think that extra food does not cost extra money? Sure, if you ask for extra napkins, they will be free. More ketchup? Absolutely, no problem. But please don’t order a cheeseburger with bacon and then make a big fucking deal that there is an extra charge on your bill of a dollar. It says it right there on the menu: “add bacon for a buck!” There is no swine tree in the kitchen where slices of delicious crispy bacon hang from the boughs like ripe apples. Believe me, I wish there was, because I would sleep under it and let the bacon fat drip from the branches and I would use it for moisturizer. I would wake up under slabs of bacon that fell over night. Raking bacon leaves would be my favorite piece of sidework. And in the spring time, when little tiny buds of bacon bits began popping forth from a sleepy winter, I would sit there and marvel at them while holding a baked potato hoping they would fall off into the pool of butter, sour cream and cheese. But there isn’t, Blanche. There is no swine tree, so we have to buy bacon and then, in turn, you pay for it when you say, “Oh, and can I get bacon on that?”
Your server is going to assume that you either read the part of the menu that says it’s extra or that you inherently know that bacon is not free. When your check comes and you spy that additional dollar charge, there is no use complaining about it because all the server will do is grab a menu, point to the line that says it costs extra and then walk the fuck away from you. And yes, you need to tip on the dollar so reach into your pocket and prepare to leave twenty more cents.
Bacon is not free. It has never been free. It will never be free. Until you go to the Home Depot gardening center and see a special on Swine Trees, please be ready to pay for bacon And if you do see a Swine Tree at Home Depot, alert me immediately so I can plant one in a giant terra cotta pot on my fire escape and live happily ever after.
Leigh Luongo
Bartending….oh, yea, can I have that drink extra strong? Do you want a double? No I just want a single with extra liquor. No,no no.
Geoff
The biggest problem is that there are plenty of establishments that are so desperate to maintain repeat clientele, that they fall into the trap of catering to such inane requests. Once you let the camel stick its nose into the tent…well, you know the rest.
Jen
“Yeah can I just get a little bit of milk for my kid?” Of course you can get a GLASS of milk and it costs 75p. I don’t care if you feed it to your squalling brat or tip it down the toilet. When the milkman delivers free milk to our restaurant, we will pass the savings on to you. Until then, pay up and stop staring at me with that resting bitch face expression.
Christopher M
Slightly on the same wane. We are a No Substitution place. We have a well known tv chef that refuses. Anyway,this “lovely” lady ordered the $21 burger and wanted to swap out the fries for onion rings which are a side for $16. No can do lady. She kept saying ” I’m not asking for them for free. It will be included in the price as are the fries”. But they are a side that is $16 lady. She then lectured me about how much an onion cost and $16 was crazy already. She really wanted free onion rings. Oh. She did end it with ” It’s not about the money”. Well then get the damn onion rings for $16 then.
Stefanie K
Or freaking out when there’s an upcharge for swapping fries for a loaded baked potato or a 6 oz steak for a 9 oz steak. You’re defeating the point of it being in the 550 calories and under portion of the menu, lady!
Funny story:
One slow night at around 9 pm, a server rang in boneless wings for herself (probably after working a double with no break, as per the norm). Besides the normal “86” and “sub” options, our OS also had a free form one where you can type in all those extra obnoxious requests like the woman who thought an Applebee’s was the perfect place to request that her steak be butterflied, lightly seasoned, and pan-seared..but I digress.
The wings come with celery and this server decided to type in “86 celery sub rib eye” as a joke. We all had a good chuckle, you know that humor you find in the mundane to distract yourself from thinking about how it’s only 9 pm and you haven’t had a table in at least an hour. Well, the cook actually did it. He wasn’t paying attention and actually put a frickin rib eye on the grill. He didn’t get in too much trouble, I think the manager was too incredulous to get angry.
Ironically enough, a year or so later the cook was fired because he had been caught stealing steaks. We had been having an “inventory issue” for quiet some time and by the time they could prove it was him, they had figured he had stolen at least 400 steaks. Maybe that rib eye would have just been stolen by him anyway. Maybe that event was what started it all. The world may never know.
Elaytion
Wow! That’s a lot o’ steak! He probably didn’t catch the mistake because he figured everyone was doing it.
Deb
I just automatically tell people it’s extra that way they can’t act horrified when they get the check. Also for some perverse reason I don’t understand myself I get a laugh when they just look at me with that shitty look and say never mind or even better when they roll their eyes and fine.
G. B. Miller
Sometimes, reading a menu is soooooooooooooo hard. Especially if you’ve been sitting there for five minutes studying the damn thing.
Rock Steady
Bacons’ not free?!
Glenda
Oh…instead of the toast can i have some bacon?!
Lol
Lenore
I friggin love you!
Monica Baker
I am totally willing to pay the extra for the bacony goodness. mmm…bacon
fbenario
“mmm…bacon”
Original much? Please. I think that phrase was past its prime a decade ago.
Mary
And no you can substitute grits for bacon either
idosequx
can I have more sour cream? yes .50 Oh it’s not free? nope just like the bacon tree there is no cow in the kitchen spitting out sour cream and no orange juice or milk do not get free refills. I have asked guests ” please tell me where you go grocery shopping so I can get in on all of these free items”. don’t you love it LOL
Katie
haha i work at a scratch kitchen and the only thing that we offer for free is ketchup and refills on fountain drinks. people FREAK out. but we make EVERYTHING from scratch, down to the hamburger buns, aioli and ketchup. people lose their minds over a 50 cent charge for sauce lol.
Jennifer
“But you didn’t tell me it was extra” that comment should allow you a free punch to their throat.