Introducing: the Stupidest Restaurant Technology Ever

Screen Shot 2016-06-28 at 12.47.45 PMFor years, people have been trying to find ways to infuse technology into restaurants in order to make things better for the customer. Like the tablets that have popped up at so many restaurants around the country and allow customers to order apps or refills, we now have the latest and most ridiculous piece of technological crap to grace our section in a long, long time. It’s called Ordercube and it’s even more stupid than the name implies.

 

According to co-founder Igor Suslov, ordering food in a restaurant is way too complicated and needs to be simplified. So he came up with this idea of a little box that changes colors as you sit at the table. When you are ready to place your order, you can simply tap the cube and it lights up green. That is the cue for the server to drop whatever the fuck he is doing and rush over to your table to see what you need. Ordercube gradually turns from green to red. After too much time has passed, the cube then begins to pulse so that the waiter will totally, for sure see it now and know that you are in need. “No way the waiter will not see the client now!” says the website.

“Imagine a world where you do not have to care about the waiter’s attention anymore,” he says. Yes, imagine that, Igor. Imagine a world where you can completely ignore the human being who is trying to make your dining experience a good one. Never mind that he has other tables to attend to and lots of work to do that most customers are not even aware of. Let’s just imagine that you, with your stupid box all lit up and pulsing in red, are the only one who matters in the restaurant. And when you need another glass of wine, even though your server just asked you two minutes ago and you ignored him, now all you have to do is tap your little box and make the light turn green. And by the way, if it’s pulsing red and the server still hasn’t come over to you, it isn’t necessarily that he hasn’t noticed it. It might be that he resents being summoned by a box rather than actual person to person communication.

Igor wants to know why an airplane has a flight attendant call button but there is nothing like that for restaurants. I’ll tell you why, Igor. An airplane like an Airbus A319 seats 126 passengers. There are usually about four flight attendants to take care of all those people. But maybe one of those flight attendants is going to take care of the 12 passengers in first class, leaving the other three to take care of the remaining 114. That means that each of those flight attendants is responsible for 38 people who were all seated at the same time and will leave at the same time. In a restaurant, it’s very rare that three servers would be taking care of 114 people who all came in at the same time. And if they are doing that, they have a support staff around them like bussers, food runners, bartenders, etc. Flight attendants don’t have that which is why a call button is helpful. They don’t have a bus boy wandering up and down the aisle of the plane making sure everything is okay. In a restaurant, we do have that. If you need something and do not see your server, you can usually make eye contact with another server or ask the busser who may be filling up your water. What we don’t need is a little plexiglass cube that lights up to tell us how and when we should do our job. If I am trying to get a 10-top’s food out of the kitchen, I am not going to stop doing that because I saw some asshole at Table 15 tap his stupid fucking Ordercube.

Who knows? Maybe this product will be a huge success and within a couple of years, all of us servers will be scanning our sections looking for green lights, ready to run out to serve before the light turns to red. We can be just like Pavlov’s dogs. When they heard a bell ring, they began to salivate. When we see a green light, we will automatically ask how you like your burger cooked. Good luck, Igor. If you want this to happen, might I suggest selling it to Applebee’s or Chili’s? They love stupid shit like this.

Here is the Facebook page for Ordercube. Enjoy.

11 thoughts on “Introducing: the Stupidest Restaurant Technology Ever

  1. Laura

    One of the restaurants I work near had a system that had watch like bracelets that would beep with the table that was requesting you one it. Literally people would push it as thier server was at the table next to them children would play with the boxes on the table causing your watch to go of constantly. Managers could track your response time cause you had to put in a code every time you answered. It literally lasted a few weeks before everene realized how dumb of a system it was.
    People half the time do even recongize or remember who those server is. I work with a few girls and we all look similar (hair, weight, big boobs) we get confused for each other all the time. I will get screamed at for not knowing about something for a table that isn’t even mine. YOU FORGOT MY EXTRA DRESSING. as the other girl is walking back with it from the kitchen. People are truly idiots sometimes. I love saying “I am sorry did you ask me for “blank”? Or did you ask your server “insert name”? And point out the correct person. They never apologize

    Reply
  2. miss kitty

    If it’s set to stay green for a full sixty seconds and to gradually change and not start flashing until five minutes are up maybe it would shut up the a$$holes who are convinced that they have been waiting TWENTY minutes for service. (It’s always twenty minutes. Sounds so legit, like they actually looked at a clock.)

    Reply
  3. Ben

    Depending on the sightlines of the dining room, this mess wouldn’t really work all the time even if I paid attention to it, which I wouldn’t. I’m red-green color blind (yes I get help eyeballing steaks for temperature & making sure I have the right sorbet). I would pay attention to how it’s made though, because I’d need to know how to take it apart with an eyeglass repair kit and sabotage it.

    Reply
  4. Mrs_Deb

    I went to a restaurant once or twice (now out of business) that had a vase with a silk daisy lying next to it on each table. If you needed something, you stuck the daisy in the vase. The server, when s/he came over to your table, would lay the daisy back on the table. It was actually kind of convenient, because then you could just stick the daisy in the vase and go about your dinner business rather than ignoring your dining partner and craning your neck trying to find your server. Be that as it may, whether it’s a glowing box, a daisy in a vase, or looking around for your server, an impatient aloha of a customer is going to be an impatient aloha of a customer no matter what. The box turning to red just gives them a reason to complain that service is too slow and they’ve been waiting forever for their free bowl of lemons and free sugar, etc.

    Reply
  5. Lisa

    That’s insane. The only way this would work is if the customer lit up the cube EVERY time they needed something, to be “fair”. Dropped your fork and need a new one? Press the cube and get in line. Need more butter for your potato? Never mind that the waiter is at your table, press your cube and wait. The cooks will have to get a cube, the waiter can’t just walk back to kitchen to get someone’s food, there is a red light pulsating somewhere that needed something first. Servers make second to second decisions based on PRIORITIES. Replacing dropped fork trumps water refill request, hot food on the line trumps clearing dirty plates from a table, ketchup request (while person is eating) trumps ringing up someone’s check. This “cube” inventor assumes that servers are not aware of their surroundings.

    Reply
  6. Jason

    Stupid Europeans, if you’d tip your damn servers, you wouldn’t need a stupid cube to get their attention.

    Reply
  7. Adrie

    Fuck that. If anyone ever came in with that fucking cube I’d shove it right up their asshole. End of cube.

    Reply
  8. Yarrgh

    So it’s basically a service call button, but without the advantage of a display where the service staff can see who called, or an alarm to know when someone requested service. It still requires the server to be walking around looking at each table. The only difference is the server won’t have to look at the diner’s ugly mug when trying to determine if they’re ready to order, talking withe their hands or simply passing gas and sharing with fellow diners.

    All that aside, I’ve eaten at restaurants with call buttons and it’s about 50/50 whether they actually work, and even if they do, it’s a 50/50 whether someone will actually come to the table.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *