An Open Letter to The Christians Who Leave “Christian Stuff” For Tips

13335833_10154438316687262_226151819442520964_nDear Christians Who Tip Your Servers With Christian Stuff,

Stop it. You’re giving your religion a bad name and there are enough people who do that already. If you go out to Carrabba’s for dinner and ring up a $67.03 check, the appropriate tip is about $13, not $2.97 and a card asking your server if they are “good enough for heaven.” For all you know, that server has already opened their heart to Jesus Christ and is filled with the light of God. Don’t assume that everyone needs to be preached to. And don’t assume that the server, Christian or not, is doing this job for any reason other than the money. Last time I checked, you can’t pay bills with a laminated “I’m a good Christian” card. I know that not all Christians do this, but for every one of you who does it, you are perpetuating the myth that Christians are a pain in the ass and need to get off their high and mighty pedestal.

In Rome, back in the early days, Christians were being thrown to the lions. Do you know why? Let me tell you:

The year is 2 AD and the very first Carrabba’s Italian Grill had just opened two blocks away from the Colosseum. It was a very busy restaurant with a high turnover. The waitresses’ name was Konstantina and she was the niece of Emperor Augustus and was really pissed off that, even though her fucking uncle was the ruler of the Roman Empire, she still had to work part-time at Carrabba’s to “keep her grounded.” Needless to say, she was a bitch.

One day a family of Christians came in and sat in her section: a mother, father, two children and a goat. They ordered Italian lettuce wraps, mozzarella rustica, prosciutto-wrapped pork tenderloin, a family bundle cavatappi Alfredo, four waters with lemons and a bowl of hay. Konstantina did her job with a fake smile on her face and everything came out perfectly. Their check was for 28 Denarius and the tip was not included. They left her 27 Denarius which is a crappy tip, even in the year 2 AD. But on top of that, they left her a tiny piece of slate with something carved into it. It said,”are you a good enough for heaven?” Konstantina was pissed.

“That is not a tip, people!” she screamed at the family. “Are you freaking kidding me with this? Don’t move. Stay right there.”

Konstantina went to the delivery boy/courier and gave him a message to give to her Uncle Augustus, the Emperor of the Roman Empire. “Tell my uncle that these cheap Christians just left me the crappiest tip possible and I can’t take it anymore. I want him to send some mother fucking soldiers over here right now, and drag these bitches down to the Colosseum and throw their asses to the lions.”

The delivery boy/courier took the message to the Emperor, thinking that the noble man would never honor such a ridiculous request from his niece. But you see, Uncle Augustus had a sweet spot for Konstantina. His love for his niece, along with the fact that he was bored, rich and crazy, made him think that throwing Christians to the lions might be a fun thing to do this beautiful Wednesday afternoon. Besides, there was nothing playing at the Colosseum that day since The Rolling Stones had canceled two days prior.

“Why not?” he yelled. “Throw the Christians to the lions! Happy Wednesday!”

So, Christians. Enough with the non-money tips. Got it? Thanks.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

p.s. I do have a book out and I think you would love it. Buy it here.

Discussion

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