If Hillary Clinton Was Your Server

HillaryIn my continuing quest to make this blog more relevant and topical, I shall continue my series of blog posts that imagine what it would be like if each of our presidential candidates was your waiter. The other reason I am doing this is because I am scraping the bottom of the barrel.

You can read about Donald Trump here. And today we have Hillary Clinton.

My name is Hillary Clinton and I want to be your next server! Now, I know what you might be thinking: you’re thinking, “Hmmm, can a woman wait tables as good as a man? Does she have the experience do wait tables?” Well, I am here to tell you that I CAN wait tables and I WILL wait tables and I promise you that I will do everything I can to make this dining experience a great one for all involved, from Table 201 back there by the restroom all the way up to Booth 19 by the windows! I know this industry backward and forward, ever since my first job as a hostess when they called me the First Lady of the Podium! Now, listen, I want to take your order and I want to do it right, so if you will just give me one second to pull out my Blackberry so I can type everything into it and then I will email your order to my private email server. I will then ask my team if it is wise for me to open that email that I had just sent to myself and if they tell me it is alright, I will open that email and I will create a panel of experts to discuss your order and if we feel that your order is in everyone’s best interest, I will tell the kitchen to make your food! Because I care. And speaking of food, you might want to hear what I suggest. Well, listen, I like a lot of food on the menu and you know I love to take a sip of a good cold beer as long as there is a news crew nearby to snap a photo of me doing it. But my favorite thing we serve is the good ol’ American apple pie with vanilla ice cream!! Am I right? Or maybe it’s the nachos for my Latino voters or a bagel with a schmear for my Jewish customers . The point is, I can’t commit to a favorite item because everything is so good. I want to know what YOU like because whatever YOU like is what I like and together we will BOTH like it. If all else fails, you can order the waffles. I love waffles but I don’t want to upset anyone who does not like waffles so I will say that the waffles are good but only if you like them and  if you don’t like them they are horrible and I 100% agree with you. Now, I am going to go over to my other tables to shake their hands while you think about what you would like to order. If you need me, you just wave and I will pretend that I saw you and I might even wave back, but I probably won’t come over. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your attention. And God bless waffles. I mean, America!

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

2 thoughts on “If Hillary Clinton Was Your Server

  1. I like Hillary , but dem party is to weak and placate .They need some fuckin Che Guevara type of a woman or guy , some Evita Peron kinda soul -a revolutionary . It is hard here . To many poisoned hearts and rotten minds . If I went into politics I would get shot in a week . Go figure this -When I came to Nj state in 1987 I was getting paid 180. $ a week plus room & board and 100. $ in tips in a whiskey- a gogo I was bartending on weekends . My previous job was at a sweat shop ( we made Cosby sweaters in this little shop in Lodi Nj ) shifts were 9 hrs and u go to the bathroom only on ur break ….Back to the topic -after all these years -min wage beeing 10$ -I. NEVER got a dime more -I just get taxed more .Trust me I have me ol’ pay stubs .i looked at my last one 65% my hourly was taken for ” taxes” . When a wage goes up -the restr owner raises the price ,but we waiters lose cuz I still get the shitty 9% tip & have to tip out as if I got 20 % to kitchen , busboys ,dishwashers .I don’t mind -they work too but I didn’t make 20% 5$ on 36.95 bill is NOT a 20% !!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

I want two things: a shift drink and your email address!

Someday, if I ever get my act together, I might send out a weekly newsletter about the wonderful goings on of the restaurant industry. Or maybe I won't.