Customer Presents Ridiculous List of Demands

12805799_989817827778146_912894700243399874_nThere is a photo floating around on the Internet that is proving that some customers have too many needs and too much damn time on their hands. On a Facebook page called Servers, Bartenders & all restaurant staff…UNITE!, someone posted a photo of a list of rules created by a customer who sidled up to Longhorn Steakhouse and mistakenly thought they were at Downton Abbey. It appears they presented the hostess with this list of expectations:

  • Do not address us as “Guys”, unless there are no Gals with us. You may address us as “Ladies and Gentlemen” or Folks, but not Guys!
  • Do not ask us if we’ve been here before.
  • Do not explain the menu to us. We all can read!
  • Do not serve any ice or straws with our water unless we ask to have it served.
  • We want to be seated at the quietest table possible.
  • Do not remove any dishes until EVERYONE has completed eating the specific course.
  • Never, ever ask us if we are still working on it or working it down. We may still be eating, or if you are lucky enough we may even be enjoying your food. The waiter should be observant enough to judge if we are finished with a course.
  • We don’t want to hear about the waiter’s favorite dishes.
  • Do not chew gum in our presence.

This list is the biggest pile of “what the fuck” I have seen in a long time. You know it took some woman three days and a dozen phone calls to her grandson to figure out to type out this list on her Dell and print out enough copies to have every time she goes out to eat at the mall. And enough with the fucking exclamation points, lady, because all it does is make you seem like bigger twat than you already are. Who does this bitch think she is, the Dowager Countess? Do I look like Mr. Mosely to you? Do you see Lord and Lady Grantham over in Booth 8? (Yes, I just watched the finale of Downton last night…)

I now present you with my list of rules that I would like to give to every customer who comes into my restaurant:

  • Do not address me as “Hey” unless I am wearing a name badge that says “Hello, my name is Hey.” You may address me as “Your Royal Bitchiness” or Sir, but not Hey!
  • Do not tell me you have been here before because I don’t care.
  • Do not ask me to explain the menu to you. I assume you can read!
  • Do not get pissed off if I serve you a straw or ice. If you don’t want the fucking straw then lay it on the table and if you don’t want the ice it will melt as soon as it gets within six inches of your swamp mouth bad breath.
  • If you need peace and quiet then maybe you should keep your ass at home where you won’t be surrounded by dozens and dozens of strangers who are out to have a good time.
  • If I attempt to remove a dish sooner than you’d like, simply tell me you’re not done with it and I will leave it there. It’s called communication and that’s what adults do.
  • Never, ever ask me what I do for my “real job.” This is my real job and if you are lucky and polite, you will get to see how a professional server is able to make your average dining experience a great one. You should be observant enough to judge that customers who have good manners get better service.
  • I don’t want to hear about how much better the food is somewhere else. Go there.
  • Do not use a cell phone in my presence.

31 thoughts on “Customer Presents Ridiculous List of Demands

  1. The Prozac Queen

    I second the demand that a customer put down their cell phone. I don’t care if you use it during the meal but when I’m trying to get your drink or food orders, don’t act like I’m the rude kid for interrupting. You’ve got your job, I’ve got mine…now let me do mine.

    Also, demand that customers address any problem with their meal when we do our check-backs rather than saying everything is fine and complaining at the end of the meal when it’s too late to do anything about it.

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  3. Ginger

    I would pay good money to see a server respond to this by making it into a paper airplane, flying it into the fireplace, then continuing on like nothing happened.

  4. G. B. Miller

    These are absolutely hilarious. Personally, while I’m not a service staff person, I have worked in grunt retail long enough to know that there is a wrong way and a right way to treat people. Most, if not all, of what he posts here showcases the phenomenal amount of stupid that he has to put up with on a daily basis. For that, I salute you.

    As for the yutz with the list of demands, I’m sure that somewhere along the way, he got his panties in a bunch and like it so much that he decided to inflict his pleasure on anyone else.

    1. Bubba

      To all: , I like every dinner/lunch/meal to be an enjoyable experience, whether as a guest or a server . If your job is that awful…get a new job. You have not been trained well by your superiors. And that is their fault. If you have a problem with a table, ask your manager or lead server to take over. If they are crappy people, the manager takes care of it. And your other tables get good service. It’s not about you, it’s about the business you work for (ie: they make money, you make money). Do not treat rudeness with rudeness, it doesn’t work. Also, killing them with kindness is fake. Anyone will see through it. This is a business where you can make good money for many years. (Also a great fall back, when you lose another job) “May I take your plate?” Is better than grabbing or saying, “Are you done?” Do not ask “How is your food tasting?” Food does not taste, you taste food. Look at Emily Post’s books…the more you know the more money you will make. I could go on but, won’t. This is a money making job, good money! :o)

  5. Alan

    “Do not chew gum in our presence.” REALLY???

    What was her previous exposure to servers? Watching a marathon of “Alice” reruns? Especially the ones with Flo smacking her gum while she flirted with the male customers?

    Most restaurant managers would bawl out a server caught chewing gum on duty.

  6. Alex Hoskins

    I often wonder whether America is really such a fucked up place to work as a waiter that you actually come across this type of stuff regularly or whether not having a BW in France I simply haven’t heard about it. I have my own gripes, who hasn’t, but nothing even coming close to this kind of thing. I would probably tell them that they don’t have a choice about 2, 3, 6 and 7, that’s going to happen regardless just because it’s habit of good service. Number 8 is totally optional but baffling because that’s pretty much a constant. I could even understand a list of dietary requirements but a list of behavioural demands from your waiter?! Unless you’re a super wealthy big spender and tipper – like leaving twice the bill for a tip – could get away with this.

  7. Aubry

    Joey i have 2 bosses like that too it’s horrible. I work at a restaurant joined with a truck stop so i get all pervy gropers too. I feel your pain.

  8. Bitcage

    1. Wassup bitches
    2. Wtf, you GUYS again
    3. Everything on the menu is out. We only sever ICE.
    4. If you didn’t bring your own cup, no drinks
    4. I can only sit you GUYS right in the kitchen by the deep fryers.
    5. When you’re done stuffing your face, bring your own dishes to the sink and wash it.
    6. hurry up and eat and leave, I need my smoke break
    7. Everything g on the menu is my favorites
    8. Stupid bitch. Stay home and eat facing the wall.

  9. MXD

    “do not address us as guys unless there are not gals with us” would be a way to know that the customer was in fact a man, but hey, don’t let my stating the obvious prevent you from deciding that a ridiculous customer obviously should be a woman,.. in fact an old woman that lol doesn’t know how to print a piece of paper so she needs help from her grandson , because well young boys are so savy with computers and stuff. yuck the sexism of the op is unbelievable

  10. Joey B

    Another good one : Cellyphon bitch picked up her stupid ” smart phone ” when I tried to find place to put their3 plates of pasta -dumped it in a glass of water -pointed her finger at me -laughing ” it’s your fault ! ” I was speeachless .Trust me -I couldn’t even breathe . Can anyone explain how this was funny ?It happened at table 2 at Marias Kitchen in Encino SoCal . I’m not going to be afraid of telling the truth .Fuck beeing a coward .And if they fuck with me -I WILL. fuck back for suppressing my Freedom of Speech -Peace & Love -Joey :))

  11. Joey B

    How about I present u with a giant dildo made of a baseball bat with sandpaper top ” Guys” ….I deal with idiots bosses and customers all the time …My boss smokes American Spirits and haven’t taken care of her hair since November ( that’s when I started). I get reprimanded every shift because :my pants are wrong (I wore them for 3 months & all my co-works have the same pants … But mine are wrong ….) If my tables food takes too long & I go to the ” Chef” who is really KKK racist in a stupid hat -I get reprimanded …I’m so fucking sick of asshole people .This fat bitch supposed to post our schedule on Sunday … But she’s too busy smoking in front of the restaurant & if u ask her about it she rolls her eyes and gets angry that u bother her .Same w/the coupons/groupons/discounts… She seems to get upset every fucking time we ask for a swipe .The other nite I got 0 tip cuz I ” took too long” with the coupon and the 3 -way payment from 3 fat assholes on table 24 -cuz it was hard to track down this Big Bitch and her Power Card …So it is hard to deal w/hardcore customers but even harder when u work w/a piece of trash like this stabbing u in the back , beeing lazy ,giving u attitude & just beeing mean ugly freak …I can’t put their names because I still need that job , but I can tell u that my name is. Joey and I get a lot of great complements & hugs & handshakes from customers & I work really hard & I can no longer stand assholes .I been throwing up everyday from anxiety and the bad smell at that place ( rotten eggs-sewer problem) I feel like a slave and I’m sick of beeing sick like this.

    1. Jess

      I feel bad for you Joey. I can’t imagine the stress of going into work everyday. Please find another good job and when you leave say “thanks for making my life so miserable and stressful, keep being you and maybe you can make the next guys life that way too”

  12. Jen

    Ok, it’s one thing if you hand me this list and say ‘if you follow this, we will tip you 30-50% or more.’ But when I see this, all I think to myself is ‘Awesome. I’m only getting 5-10%….if I’m lucky.’ If you expect to live in ‘a perfect world of your own liking’, then I expect a tip to match! Love you Bitchy!

  13. Dawn

    First off they would be seated next to kitchen.. Then I would pass the list around the kitchen so every server could stop by the table and give them a big Hi guys, have you been here before, let me explain the menu? ? Their tongues would be hanging on the table before they got any water from me.. Hopefully by this point they would have gotten up and left…

  14. Ambra Fidney

    I’d take a big steamy shit on a plate wipe my ass with that list and serve it to them. People like that are far too entitled for real life. This is exactly why I quit customer service, and would love a purge day.

  15. Austin Bennett

    I work at a hotel and I had a guest give me a list of her food allergies to hand over the restaurant for her dining and room service orders.

    I wish I kept that list because it was hilarious.

  16. Kendra

    Guys? Okay I get it. The next two are job requirements and mandatory to ask, say in addition to a list of drinks as big as my arm. I am also required to clear as people finish;we are not fine dining.

    Ice and straws, standard unless it is stated otherwise when taking your order.
    For the rest of the demands, fuck you , stay home and feed yourselves.

  17. Leanne Esquivel

    I wish we could leave them even more info on a list of demands.
    Seriously though. I am not a mind reader. I do not know when someone is done eating, if they have had thier food for over an hour. And haven’t ate of of thier plate in forever, I guess I assume your fat ass is done eating. I can’t for the life of me understand how customers think that they are the rulers of this earth.
    I am sick and tired of customers who complain about everything just to hear themselves complain.
    I once had a nine top and two of them asked me for boxes. I was busy and tried to ask of anyine else needed boxes with no respon see from anyone else. A few rolled thier eyes. So I dropped of a stack of boxes and continued on to my other four tables. They complained to the front thst I was rude and threw boxes at them. And that they didn’t even need them. However, they used all but one box. If you think you are the only and sole customer I am serving that day You are mistaken.

    1. Michael Stark

      Being a virtual slave to people who are never satisfied, I am truly sympathetic to all that you have to deal with. People are nothing nice, especially those who are spoiled. I bet those same people have never worked as a server ever in there life. I worked for Farrel’s Ice Cream Parlor when I was 21, THE WORST job ever! Waitresses who refused to share their tips and kids who would make a mess of their dinner plates with spit, katsup and mustard. I was the bus-boy who had to clean up the mess. GROSS!!

    1. John

      I have always been amazed at the way people take out their feelings of powerlessness in their own lives by trying to lord it over waitstaff… as if anyone who waits tables gives FF about a customer’s unconscious personal issues that really need to be discussed with their therapists… someone like that become a non-entity and gets horrible, passive-aggressive little barbs from me!… BTW- I just ordered your book and I can’t wait to read it– I’m happy for you that you’re having success!!!!’

    2. lichain

      While I agree this is obnoxious, lately I have been cringing almost every time we eat in a restaurant at the “you guys” part of our interaction with our servers. Who we tip 20% anyway, of course, unless they are rude.


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