Someone Needs Me To Educate Them About Closing Time

bitchLots of people feel the need to come to my Facebook page and explain how they feel they were mistreated in a restaurant. Maybe they are looking for sympathy and maybe they are looking for an explanation but they may not always get what they are looking for. Last week, a woman named Kathryn (who shall remain last-nameless since some people are fine putting their opinion on a public page but then have a change of heart when more people see it than they expected) dragged her ass over to the Bitchy Waiter page to complain about the overall laziness of servers. Hint: if you want me to take your side, maybe don’t start by calling servers lazy.

“It gets annoying how lazy servers can get. Like when we go out for brunch. Apparently, we were there three minutes after they technically stopped serving it and the server was pretty snobby about it.”

Needing clarification before I formed an opinion, I asked Kathryn for more information. I wanted to know if she meant that she had enjoyed brunch and three minutes after closing time they were rushing her out or did she mean that she asked to be seated three minutes after they had stopped serving. She confirmed that they were seated three minutes after brunch.

Bitch, please.

If anyone is lazy in this situation, it’s you since you couldn’t manage to get your ass to brunch before three or four fucking o’clock. If you know brunch is over at a certain time, why do you think it’s alright for you to be served after that time? And by the way, saying “technically stopped serving” doesn’t make the closing time any different. If brunch is over at 3:00, it’s over at 3:00. There’s nothing “technical” about it. So, yeah, maybe that server was a bit snobby because she had probably already been at work for seven hours and now your ass shows up for some goddamn french toast and mimosas and you’re going to make her stay there an hour longer and probably leave her a crap tip because she didn’t greet you with enthusiasm. Fuck you, Kathryn.

“Little did she know that I was friends with her boss. So I flat out told her “I don’t think so. Why don’t you go ask your manger! K, hun? Our server was rather disappointing that the manager sides with us, but that’s how you run a business in customer service. Not by coddling the help.”

Oh, so because you know the manager that makes you immune to things like manners, courtesy and closing times? You must have felt real proud that you convinced your “friend” the manager to keep brunch running a little while longer. And just so you know, it wasn’t just your server who hated you; it was also the busser, the food runner and the entire kitchen crew. Of course the server was disappointed (I assume that’s what you meant to say, right? Or was she both disappointed and disappointing?) because now she has two people to hate at the end of her shift: you and her spineless manager. I don’t think closing at closing time is “coddling the help.” I think that’s called running a business efficiently. And by referring to employees as “the help” only solidifies my opinion that you are a huge pain in the ass.

Here’s is some advice, Kathryn.

  • If a restaurant is closed or they have stopped serving, deal with it. You probably had six or seven hours you could have gone in to eat, but you waited too late. You’re wrong.
  • Any time a customer says they “know the owner” all that does is instantly make your server think less of you. Don’t depend on your relationship with the owner to make up for your lack of couth.
  • If you say something to your server like “I don’t think so, why don’t you go ask your manager! K, hun,” I’m pretty sure you’re a bitch and you have probably, at one time or another, eaten some boogers and cum.
  • If you want sympathy for your restaurant experience, do not come to a page called Bitchy Waiter and expect to find it. 9 times out of 10 I’m going to be on the side of the server.
  • Never ever refer to us as “the help.” Who do you think you are, Miss Daisy?

If you like this bitchy ass blog, then you will love my bitchy ass book coming out in April. Click here to preorder it on Amazon.


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