A Comment on Comments
I dribbled out a post last week about our new bus boy, an eager 17-year old who I did not know I was working with until I got to work. His arrival was a surprise to me and off-putting because I had been working sans busser for almost a year and now suddenly I was going to have to give up a portion of my tips to someone who was doing things that I could easily do myself. His age also took me by surprise because being thirty years older than a co-worker depressed the living shit out of me. Seriously, it made me defecate into my Depends and for once, it wasn’t due to the prune juice I have each morning with my Fiber One cereal and skim milk. Well, lots of folks read the post and found it to be insensitive and downright asshole-like. And to those people, I shall comment on their comments:
Bob said: You had a first job at one time. Did someone treat you as shitty as you treated this kid? You’re an asshole.
Yes, Bob, I did have a first job once but I don’t know which part of the story you read implies that I was shitty to this new bus boy. Oh, maybe you are referring to the part where I said I gnashed my teeth like an old poodle, is that it? Do you really think that I actually growled at someone and pretended that I may bite them? It’s called satire, Bob. Now who’s the asshole, asshole?
Dawn said: Sorry, I usually agree with you, but, this time as I read your post I actually thought your new coworker was a special needs child and I was waiting for the moment the light went on in your head and and started being nice. I have a disabled son who sounds like your description. It was painful to read in not angry, I know it’s a joke, I know your style and read your blog regiliously (sic). It just struck a chord. I thought you should know.
Dawn, I have never and would never make fun of anyone with special needs. Ever. My father spent many years of his life teaching children with special needs. When I first started college in the late 1800’s, my original major was Theater Education with a focus on special education and it was my intent to teach drama to special needs kids. (That idea went to hell in a lazy hand basket…)The description I wrote of our new busser and the things I had him say were a fictional representation of events that transpired. You don’t really think he went wee wee in his Underoos, do you? Methinks you were looking too hard for something that was not there.
Gilbey said: Please proofread and edit, after years of writing these posts I shouldn’t see several glaring instances in each post where auto-correct filled in with a different word than intended, non-words, random characters and missing words.
Duly noted. I blame this on the fact that I wrote the post in twenty minutes before I went to work.
DHB said: The Bitchy Waiter is an asshole for having an agist attitude. I’m older than he is and I don’t treat the high schoolers who work in my shop like that because they are human. They are just starting out. And another thing, Bitchy Asshole Waiter, learn the meaning of the word “literally.”
DHB, again, I would like to know how I mistreated this kid. He asked me a couple of questions and I answered them. That’s not asshole behavior. I did not mention this in the blog post, but since he was training, he was not expecting to get tipped out. However, the bartender and I did tip him out because we both know how lousy it is to train at a restaurant job and not get any tips. We threw him some money at the end of the night because we, just like yourself, treat high schoolers we work with as human beings. You’re not the only person in the world who does that, so climb off your high horse and eat a bag of horse dicks, okay? And another thing, Bitchy DHB Asshole. I do know the definition of literally:
lit·er·al·ly
ˈlidərəlē,ˈlitrəlē/
adverb
adverb: literally
in a literal manner or sense; exactly.
I also know that in recent years, people have begun to use it incorrectly and it is becoming more and more common for it to be used in that manner. For example, if someones says, “I laughed so hard, my head literally exploded,” we can be relatively certain that the room is not covered in blood, skull fragments and brain matter. The usage of the word is slowly changing whether you like it or not. My use of the word in the title, “I Literally Work With a Baby” was meant to be funny since I wrote the story as if the 17-year old busser was an actual baby. Of course, he was not. He did not learn about colors and shapes at school that day, he did not jump off the booth claiming to be Superman, nor did he try to use a cell phone that was actually a toy from Fisher-Price. As with Bob, the definition of “satire” is lost upon you. I will now use the word “literally” in its correct form: DHB, is literally a pompous asshole who does not understand how satirical blogs work.
I have not worked with the busser since, (I literally do not remember his name) but I hear he is doing great. He’s a hard worker and very friendly and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he is promoted to server and my old ass is booted to the curb next to the bag of recycling. As always, thank you for your comments and thank you to all of those who knew it was a heightened version of actual events.
Emsizz
Check out a very recent edition of Meriam-Websters. Or Oxford. They have amended the definition of the word literally to also mean “to provide emphasis”- meaning, saying “literally” when you are not being literal is now grammatically correct.
Anonymous
That makes me sad. I don’t know why.
Hippie's Chick
Dear Bitchy Waiter:
You are doing a great job and we love that you make us laugh. Everyone else can go f**k themselves. Literally.
Sincerely,
Hippie’s Chick
m
Holy shit, I hope this doesn’t mean Dawn’s son carries a toy phone and thinks it’s a cell phone
Gilbey
Thank you, Bitchy. I read through it the first time and no mistakes popped out at me. There may be something if I was to really go looking, but to casually read this post (which is what I usually do, I’m not an anal grammar Nazi) it looks great!
monica
This comment is the best possible proof that you can have perfect grammar yet absolutely no meaningful content. I’d rather have a few mistakes in something entertaining than read some sad fuck bloviating about awesome grammar.
Not saying that’s what you are, I mean hypothetically. I wouldn’t consider the cumulative length of what you’ve written to be comparable to the size of a blog post. But still, your comment is meaningless.
Gilbey
There is no sense in being lazy and not making an effort, especially for someone that has 1. been making these posts for years, 2. is making money from these posts, and I presume wants to make more money from them, and 3. is supposed to be having a book coming out.
I bet you are the same type of lazy that thinks kids shouldn’t learn cursive and would be lost without a damn cellphone glued to your hand and spelling for you while you incessantly text friends sitting three feet away.
And for Emilay–a commenter does not have to be careful criticizing typos and grammar, I’m not the professional. I don’t have a reputation. I’m an anonymous person that can disappear and never come back or re-emerge later.
monica
My god, you huffed a lot of fart today. Let me tell you about my relationship with grammar, Gilbey. I learned proper grammar and spelling earlier than most kids do. I was a so-called “grammar nazi” until I was about 14 and I got over it. You see, I finally realized grammar doesn’t make a good substitute for content or entertainment. I was completely over it by the time the other kids’ grasps on grammar solidified and they were beginning to proclaim themselves grammar nazis. You can’t imagine how obnoxious it is to hear people rehash shit you knew in fourth grade and believe me, it only gets more obnoxious. In fact, I stopped mentioning grammar and spelling altogether because I didn’t want to be mistaken for someone like you. I don’t consider it some privileged knowledge like you seem to. Some people are great with it, some people aren’t. As long as you’re getting the point across, how can you seriously care?
I’ve turned off autocorrect on every phone I own because it’s useless to me, and the little squiggly lines in my browser’s autocorrect don’t seem to show up when I type unless my spell check doesn’t recognize a name or place or an intentional typo. (You don’t seem to have written anything interesting in your life so I don’t expect you to understand why one might make an intentional typo.) Finally, we seem to agree that cursive should remain in the classroom and cell phones should stay out. In summary, you further proved my point about the grammar/content conundrum and in the same comment, became one of the bloviating sad fucks I mentioned.
I’ve often thought perfect grammar is a good way for people of mediocre intelligence to distinguish themselves when they have nothing else to offer. Thanks for supporting that theory too.
monica
I mean, no offense. Plus I realize I just bloviated about my grammar and spelling. Honestly that’s the rant I want to unleash on a few people at work but civility prevails, if you can call it that when I unleash on a stranger. I take back saying you have probably not written anything interesting in your life. I can’t possibly know that.
Emilayday
“…where auto-correct filled in with a different word than intended…” Remove “with,” because that’s bad grammar and it’s then not than*
Moral of the story, you have to be very careful policing other people’s grammar! Now excuse me as I’m sure I fucked up somewhere too.
Gilbey
In my list of criticisms, my gripe was with lazy errors of typos and misspellings. It is NOT THEN, it IS THAN. Google that shit. THAN is the desired word.
monica
You must live for these moments of validation. Did you seriously just tell someone to google then/than? I regret replying to you. There is no way you’re real. You have to be a troll.
Gilbey
Good, because you are obviously a dumb bitch that horned in on something of no concern to you. I’m sorry for believing that if you are going to publish something and make a dollar on it, you should proofread it once or twice to remove the GLARING mistakes. And for the record I never criticized the word choice or placement in these posts, but I did complain about the typos, autocorrect to nonsensical words, and other such sloppiness that would have been fixed had one simply read what they wrote before posting.
Reginald van der Slythe III
To be fair, the grammar and such of TBW’s posts aren’t really your concern, either, since I’m quite certain you’re not being paid to critique them. You’re as guilty as she is. My past work as an editor and proofreader puts me on your side of things, but your ridiculous outbursts here make me wish otherwise.
Carla
I waitressed for many years, ok, not as many as you bitchy since I’m only 44, but I no longer do due to declining health where I can hardly walk…..I don’t think a place would hire me if I was in a wheelchair which is where I’m heading. Anyways, reading your blog is one of the things I look forward to as it gives me a laugh as I can see myself and some of my customers in the things you write. Please continue as you are making a “retired server” very happy!
Anna K
You’re awesome. Keep it up, stay funny. It’s the only way to survive in this industry. Literally.
Felicia
I have literally been waiting for this post and I literally laughed my ass off (see what I did there DHB?) As always BW you are the reason I still like my job!
Barbara Ann
I think you should rename your blog to include words indicating you write satire. It amazes me that readers don’t get this and although your humor may not be everyone else’s humor, many of us in the industry laugh at what you write because we know you are exaggerating your bitchiness. Everyone has a little bitch in them [not just servers], why not have a little fun with it? I am sarcastic to a fault, but would never use it to be cruel to anyone else – it’s just fun. As long as no one gets hurt – as with your sense of humor, why don’t people understand you are kidding?
In the meantime, if you ever decide to use the word satire in your blog title, you might want to include the definition because that won’t be understood either I am afraid. 😉
monica
I’m sorry but if a person doesn’t know that was satire/hyperbole, that person is either incapable of abstract thought or didn’t pay attention. And loose associations, such as that between an obviously fictitious account of a baby working at a restaurant and a disabled individual aren’t something a blogger should live in fear of a reader making. It’s unfortunate when stuff like that happens, and there is a lot of discrimination and misunderstanding of mental disabilities, but this post really doesn’t approach that territory. It’s a fucking joke about a baby working at a restaurant.
Sheena
I have to say you are a freaking awesome person. I started reading your blog almost a year ago after I started working as a waitress. Going from being a stay at home mom for 7 years to serving was kind of a shock in more ways than I imagined it would be. There has been a few times that I have wanted to smack a customer for being a rude ass that talks in such disrespect as if I was beneath them because I’m just a waitress. It amazes me how people can judge a person so quickly without even knowing them. You have perfected the way to set people straight in a forward and entertaining way. Keep doing what you’re doing because for me you are brilliant! When I have had a really crappie night at work, I can count on your posts and blogs to help with my bad attitude and cheer me up or make me ‘literally’ Lol! Thank you! ♡Sheena
Elizabeth
This was literally funner than the original post. It’s sad to think about how a giant stick was once shoved up these people’s assholes. I hope they recover