I dribbled out a post last week about our new bus boy, an eager 17-year old who I did not know I was working with until I got to work. His arrival was a surprise to me and off-putting because I had been working sans busser for almost a year and now suddenly I was going to have to give up a portion of my tips to someone who was doing things that I could easily do myself. His age also took me by surprise because being thirty years older than a co-worker depressed the living shit out of me. Seriously, it made me defecate into my Depends and for once, it wasn’t due to the prune juice I have each morning with my Fiber One cereal and skim milk. Well, lots of folks read the post and found it to be insensitive and downright asshole-like. And to those people, I shall comment on their comments:
Bob said: You had a first job at one time. Did someone treat you as shitty as you treated this kid? You’re an asshole.
Yes, Bob, I did have a first job once but I don’t know which part of the story you read implies that I was shitty to this new bus boy. Oh, maybe you are referring to the part where I said I gnashed my teeth like an old poodle, is that it? Do you really think that I actually growled at someone and pretended that I may bite them? It’s called satire, Bob. Now who’s the asshole, asshole?
Dawn said: Sorry, I usually agree with you, but, this time as I read your post I actually thought your new coworker was a special needs child and I was waiting for the moment the light went on in your head and and started being nice. I have a disabled son who sounds like your description. It was painful to read in not angry, I know it’s a joke, I know your style and read your blog regiliously (sic). It just struck a chord. I thought you should know.
Dawn, I have never and would never make fun of anyone with special needs. Ever. My father spent many years of his life teaching children with special needs. When I first started college in the late 1800’s, my original major was Theater Education with a focus on special education and it was my intent to teach drama to special needs kids. (That idea went to hell in a lazy hand basket…)The description I wrote of our new busser and the things I had him say were a fictional representation of events that transpired. You don’t really think he went wee wee in his Underoos, do you? Methinks you were looking too hard for something that was not there.
Gilbey said: Please proofread and edit, after years of writing these posts I shouldn’t see several glaring instances in each post where auto-correct filled in with a different word than intended, non-words, random characters and missing words.
Duly noted. I blame this on the fact that I wrote the post in twenty minutes before I went to work.
DHB said: The Bitchy Waiter is an asshole for having an agist attitude. I’m older than he is and I don’t treat the high schoolers who work in my shop like that because they are human. They are just starting out. And another thing, Bitchy Asshole Waiter, learn the meaning of the word “literally.”
DHB, again, I would like to know how I mistreated this kid. He asked me a couple of questions and I answered them. That’s not asshole behavior. I did not mention this in the blog post, but since he was training, he was not expecting to get tipped out. However, the bartender and I did tip him out because we both know how lousy it is to train at a restaurant job and not get any tips. We threw him some money at the end of the night because we, just like yourself, treat high schoolers we work with as human beings. You’re not the only person in the world who does that, so climb off your high horse and eat a bag of horse dicks, okay? And another thing, Bitchy DHB Asshole. I do know the definition of literally:
in a literal manner or sense; exactly.
I also know that in recent years, people have begun to use it incorrectly and it is becoming more and more common for it to be used in that manner. For example, if someones says, “I laughed so hard, my head literally exploded,” we can be relatively certain that the room is not covered in blood, skull fragments and brain matter. The usage of the word is slowly changing whether you like it or not. My use of the word in the title, “I Literally Work With a Baby” was meant to be funny since I wrote the story as if the 17-year old busser was an actual baby. Of course, he was not. He did not learn about colors and shapes at school that day, he did not jump off the booth claiming to be Superman, nor did he try to use a cell phone that was actually a toy from Fisher-Price. As with Bob, the definition of “satire” is lost upon you. I will now use the word “literally” in its correct form: DHB, is literally a pompous asshole who does not understand how satirical blogs work.
I have not worked with the busser since, (I literally do not remember his name) but I hear he is doing great. He’s a hard worker and very friendly and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he is promoted to server and my old ass is booted to the curb next to the bag of recycling. As always, thank you for your comments and thank you to all of those who knew it was a heightened version of actual events.