This is What We DO NOT Want For a Tip

This is not a tip.
This is not a tip.

You want to know what your server wants for a tip? Money. Preferably cash money but if you want to put it on a credit card that’s fine too, we’ll take it. We want 20% of the total of your check. You can bitch and whine about how you think that the restaurant should be paying the server’s salary and it’s not your responsibility, but you know what? If you live in the United States, this is the culture we have so for whatever reason, it is your responsibility. Suck it up and deal with it or move to Europe where servers make more per hour and tips aren’t as important as they are here.

You want to know what we don’t want for a tip? A pile of fucking coupons. What are we supposed to do with those? “Hey, Mr. Landlord, thanks for the roof over my head for the last thirty days, it was great. I appreciate it so much and I want to show my appreciation by giving you this pile of coupons that some cheap bitch left me last week.” No, it does not work that way.

Someone sent me this photo and this is what they actually received for a tip: coupons. A lady took the time to go through the weekly circular of the Piggly-Wiggly or whatever, find some scissors and cut these out for her server. Or maybe she didn’t have any cash and she pulled out her coupon wallet and “made it rain.”

$1.00 off Russell Stover Candy: Who the fuck wants to eat Russell Stover candy? That’s the shit you buy at the damn drugstore the night before Valentine’s Day because you have absolutely no other option and you’re alright with your girlfriend being royally pissed off at you. You buy Russell Stover for your mom’s birthday when you’re in the third grade because you think it’s fancy. Potheads with the major munchies would probably even skip over a bowl of Russell Stover candy and eat the cushions from their couch first. Nobody wants Russell Stover Candy and you don’t leave a coupon for it as a tip.

$1.00 off Lancaster Brand Pizza: I don’t even know what “Lancaster Brand Pizza” is. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want a coupon for Stouffer’s or Totino’s either so don’t get any bright ideas. But a dollar off a fucking frozen pizza? Wouldn’t that pretty much make the pizza free? “But it’s for cheese, pepperoni or combo,” I can hear Coupon Queen saying. “It’s such a great deal!” No. it’s not a great deal. It sucks but probably not as much as a lLancaster Brand Pizza does.

Free bottle of water: Wow, it’s up to a $1.19 value, but you have to buy something called  a Planters NUT-rition Tube before you can claim that valuable bottle of water. A NUT-rition tube? What is that? A tube of nuts? It sounds like something Mr. Peanut would buy at a sex shop along with some Planters Lube and a cock ring for his Macadamia nuts. No thank you.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Another candy coupon, great! The person who sent me the picture pointed out that there is a whole punched into this coupon so it was invalid. That’s right, the bitch tipped with a used fucking coupon. She probably still had Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup breath when she sat down to order. Then again, that peanut breath may be from the blow job she gave Mr. Peanut out in the parking lot.

People, don’t insult your server by leaving coupons as a tip. Those four coupons were for a total of $3.19 so it’s a shitty tip even if they wanted to use them. I don’t mind people using coupons such as a lukes lobster coupon, to get money off their bill. But not for a tip. Don’t assume that your server is going to be grateful for bestowing upon them the opportunity to get items from the grocery store that they probably don’t even want. It’s rude, disrespectful and cheap. In addition to all those things, you run the risk that your server is going to take a picture of it, send it to The Bitchy Waiter who will then make fun of you for performing fellatio on an animated mascot for nuts.

Bottom line: do not ever leave coupons as a tip.

mr-peanut

This is a repost after the original posting of this was accidentally deleted.

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

14 thoughts on “This is What We DO NOT Want For a Tip

  1. Wait – you want 20% of the total of the check? I think you meant “voluntary percentage (starting st 15%) of the PRE-TAX total of the check.” Who tips on a tax? It’s not as if you are involved in forwarding it or accounting for it.

  2. I read this and thought “who does that?”. Well, it finally happened to me. Last night. This lady came in and sat at my most popular patio table. It being a wonderfully nice evening in Houston, the patio was packed. She camped there for over two hours waiting on some other people to show up (they never did, probably because she is a rude, cheap woman and they didn’t want to be around her). Her total tab $12.00. Fine. Well, the manager decided to comp her tab for some dumb reason and what did she leave me? Two $50.00 off of $400.00 coupons at the rent-to-own wannabe company she worked for. Now if I could only come up with the other $700.00 I would need to actually be able to purchase something.

  3. Once I got a metal bowl that the guest had gone to the car to retrieve and 6¢. The man also gave me a refillable lighter which he promptly reclaimed when it was brought to his attention that it could indeed be refilled.

    However, I will take that over a prayer card or coupon any day!

    1. Great idea ha ha!!! Un fortunately I worked at cracker barrel for a couple months (the worst job) & got few Jesus cards. Never found a place for them on my banks deposit slip!

  4. Aw man, this reminds me of this older lady a few months ago. I wish I’d thought to send you a picture of it, because that woman gave me two helium balloons and a bag of no-name potato sticks as a tip. I was more amused than upset, because I work in a diner and I probably wouldn’t have gotten more than 2 or 3 dollars anyway. It was a fun exercise for my acting skills; it was the hardest thing in the world not to bust out laughing. People are crazy. My son really enjoyed the balloons, so it wasn’t a total loss. (Plus now I have this great story to tell)

  5. There’s an amazing Ann Landers column from decades ago where a couple writes her to say that instead of money they tip with “notes of religious inspiration.” Landers went ballistic. I still recall the column and I was probably 12 at the time.

  6. The only time I’ve been okay with receiving a non cash tip was when a table left me a weekend stay at a winery with all the perks included.

    Besides that I don’t want a coupon that you got for free from your junk mail, heck I probably have the same thing in my mail box.

  7. I can honestly say I never received coupons as a tip. I received a pack of Native Spirit cigarettes once, but that was ok, because I was 16 and couldn’t buy my own cigarettes.

    My BIGGEST peeve was those chick tracts. Especially the ones that looked like a 5 dollar bill folded up. Those were just mean. When Jesus pays my bills, then you can leave those. Until then, you need to leave a tip.

    1. Whenever I hear stories about those stupid fake Jesus dollars, it really chaps my unrighteous ass. The people who hand those out aren’t doing their lord and savior any favors.

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