Well, here’s some news that will make you want to slather your body in Purell and then crawl into a big Ziplock baggie the next time you go to work. A customer in Muncie, Indiana left his waitress a tip with a little something extra on it. It wasn’t a smiley face or his phone number or some other cutsie little doodle, it was poo. Yes, poo. This asshole took his money to the bathroom, wiped his butt with some bills, and then gave that money as a tip to his waitress.
The suspect, a 17-year old kid who has not been identified because he is a minor, has been charged with battery with bodily waste. He was at the table with three football players from Ball State (which I understand to be a university with a very awkward name) who have been identified, but it has yet to be determined how much they had to do with smearing of fecal matter onto the tip.
The waitress is said to have noticed the kid laughing when she picked up the check presenter and that she smelled a “foul odor.” Shortly after leaving the table, she was in the side stand when she exclaimed, “Awww, hell no! Someone done wiped shit all over these dollars!”
What can we say about this? How would anyone think that giving your waitress a shit-covered dollar is acceptable? The only person who wants a shit-covered dollar is nobody. Nobody wants a shit-covered dollar. And what about George Washington? There he is, just living the dream on a dollar bill in this kid’s wallet when all of a sudden things get dark:
La di da, la di da. I am George Washington, the father of my country and here I am on the dollar bill. How fortunate am I to have this honor bestowed upon me. Of course, I am also part of Mt. Rushmore, so basically, I got it goin’ on. Oh yes, and I am on the quarter as well, but all that means is that most of the time I am stuck in the coin slots of laundromats across the country. My highest honor is to have my face on this dollar bill, the most common of all currency. Oh, I cannot tell a lie, I love being crumpled up in the wallets of the people of this country. Each time the wallet is opened, I know that I am about to become a vital part of the economy of this great land. Perhaps I shall be used to purchase bread for a hard-working family or maybe I will be stuffed into the paper cup of someone less than fortunate who has taken to begging on the street. My use is always for good.I will admit I do not take kindly to being rolled up and used as an instrument to snort drugs into one’s nostrils. Neither do I appreciate assisting someone to roll a marijuana cigarette, but most of the time I am proud to have my face on this dollar bill.
What’s this? The wallet is being opened by my current owner, a young man who has but his whole future ahead of him. Maybe he is using me to buy a new text book or school supplies! Oh the privilege! Wait, why are we in the bathroom? I’m hardly ever seen in the bathroom. Is this young man sitting on the toilet while counting his money? This seems wrong. I do not like the odor and I do not like the sounds in here. Oh, good he’s standing up now, we must be leaving. I’m sure as soon as he uses that roll of toilet paper we will be making our way out of here so so that I can be given away in exchange for something honorable and necessary. Maybe I will be the tip for the bathroom attendant. No wait, am I heading toward his ass? Oh my God, i am heading towards his ass. Stop, I’m George Washington on a dollar bill! I am not toilet paper, do you hear me? I am NOT toilet paper! Oh God in heaven, save me, save me! Noooooo!”