If you follow my Facebook page (and why the hell wouldn’t you?), you may have seen my status update that said Mariah Carey was in my restaurant and that she smelled good. I am one of those “bad boys” who carries his cell phone in his apron even though it is against the rules so I immediately went to the restroom to alert anyone who may have cared. I mean, if you were waiting tables and one of the planet’s biggest superstar divas sits in your station, wouldn’t you do the same? Yes. Yes, you would.
Of course, my first thought was “What in the hell is she doing in this dump in Queens?” Yes, my restaurant is in in Queens; the glamour if it all. I’m at work doing my normal thing when four people walk into the place and asked for a table. It was Mariah Carey, her mom (I only know that because I Googled what she looked like), another older woman and that woman’s daughter. It seems that Mariah was visiting her aunt in Long Island somewhere and then she made it to her cousin’s house which is in my neighborhood in Queens. Voila! So, yes, Mariah Carey had lunch with her mom, aunt and cousin and they had me as their server.
Mariah smelled good. She sorta smelled like bacon. You know how when you make bacon at home and your whole apartment smells like bacon for a few hours and sometimes after you leave you catch a whiff of bacon odor emanating from your shirt? It smelled like her aunt had made bacon that morning and Mariah was there when it happened. Perhaps it was her fragrance but I’m pretty sure it was Oscar Meyer.
When I saw them at the door, I recognized Mariah immediately, because I liked her first song “Vision of Love” so much back in 1990. Her other songs since then, not so much. I asked them if they had a reservation even though there were only two other tables occupied at the moment. I wanted her to feel like she was in a much classier place than she actually was. Let’s be honest. I work there so how classy can it be? Not very. I laughed at my own little joke and took them to the our VIP section, also known as “the back booth next to the restroom.” The first thing I said to her when she sat down was, “Don’t worry. I’ve waited on plenty of celebrities, so you’re in good hands. I’ve served Sally Field, Katy Perry, Suze Orman and Elke Krivat.”
“Who’s Elke Krivat?” she asked me.
“This woman who was married to Ben Gazzara and walked out on her check a few years ago,” I told her.
“Oh, I’ve heard of that cheap bitch before. Fuck her,” laughed Mariah.
At this point, Mariah’s mom piped in. “Language!!” she said.
The table ordered two bottles of Pelligrino and Mariah asked me to bring a bowl of cherries. They didn’t care to hear the specials because they all had their hearts set on a burger.
“This is the best burger in the neighborhood,” said the cousin. “I love it.”
I noticed that Mariah didn’t seem to really care that much about her cousin; she wasn’t really interacting that much and you could tell that this meal was definitely one of obligation rather than pleasure. There were some awkward moments of silence.
“Oh, I wish you could have brought the twins,” said cousin. “I can’t believe I’ve never even met them.”
“I know, I’m so sorry. They both had appointments today though. Monroe had a waxing and Moroccan had a teeth whitening. Bummer for you.”
I brought out their four burgers and fries and refilled their glasses with Pelligrino. I also dropped off another bowl of cherries because Mariah had gone through about ten of them. And every single time she ate one, she put the stem in her mouth and produced it threes seconds later tied into a knot. It was impressive, I must admit.
This is when I went to the restroom to update my Facebook status so the world could know about my celebrity customer of the day. As soon as I posted it, people began to question if it was an April Fools’ joke or not. Over 2,300 people “liked” the status and 130 left a comment. April Fool’s joke? Of course it was. Mariah Carey wouldn’t touch my restaurant with a ten-foot diamond and ruby encrusted pole, darlings.