If you’re looking for a restaurant in Las Vegas that will give you an “awesome” experience as well as a raging case of clogged arteries, look no further than Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen and Bar. Just like cream rises to the top, douchiness floats over to Las Vegas and bathes in a puddle of Axe Body Spray. Guy Fieri has taken the wonderful feedback he received for his New York City restaurant and decided that the world needed another place for him to piss out Donkey Sauce on to piles of meat and cheese. There was a time I liked Guy Fieri, like when he first appeared on American Idol’s Next Top Chef of So You Think You Can Food Network or whatever the fuck that show was called. I watched it and thought he was entertaining, but after he became more famous his ego got out of control. And then a few years ago, it came out that he might not be cool with gay people and that put the final nail in his flame-covered coffin for me. Eater Las Vegas has posted his new menu on line and it sounds like Guy has taken his signature bullshit and elevated it to a-whole-nother level of crap. I can’t let that menu go past my bloodshot eyes without addressing some of the food on it:
Sashimi Won-Tacos $14
Everyone’s fave ‘cuz they’re wicked tasty! Sashimi grade ahi & serious mango-jicama salsa are packed into wonton taco shells + drizzled with “wow-sabi” cream.
I can’t stand a menu that uses phrases like “‘cuz” because it dumbs down this country. And who burned the midnight oil to come up with that clever combination of wasabi and wow?
Guy-talian Fondue Dippers $13
Pepperoni-wrapped breadstick twists served alongside our smoky provolone + sausage cheese dip, topped with fresh tomato bruschetta. Guy-talian?
How adorable. Who the hell thinks it’s a good idea to wrap a fucking piece of pepperoni around bread and dip it in cheese sauce? It sounds like something that Domino’s came up with and then they decided it was even too fucking tacky and disgusting for them to pawn off on America.
Los Nachos Del Jefe $14
The boss don’t mess around…crispy corn tortilla chips are topped with corn tortilla chips topped with black beans, chorizo, cheddar + cotija cheeses, slivered red onions + jalapenos, built to make each nacho the perfect bite!
More bad grammar in an attempt to make the dumbasses eating here feel more at home. Just say that the boss doesn’t mess around.
Vegas Fries $12
Order ’em in the city they were born! Sidewinder cut fries are tossed in spicy buffalo sauce, topped with blue cheese crumble+ served with Guy’s blue-sabi sauce.
As if one pun with wasabi wasn’t enough now, we have a second one. Are they saying that these fries were previously in existence and people know what “Vegas Fries” are? Like all over the world people have been ordering Vegas fries and wondering where they were created?
Morgan’s Gnarly Greek Salad $13
Guy’s take on the Greek salad will send you on a tour of the Mediterranean with its bold flavors, hearts of romaine, fresh veggies, hummus, feta, Parmesan croutons + tangy lemon vinaigrette. Toga not included.
Ha ha, a toga reference. How very Animal House of you, Guy Fieri. I just feel sorry for the server who has to say, ‘Okay, so that’s one Morgan’s Gnarly Greek Salad, right? Like, cool, totally bitchin’, dude.”
Brutha’s Badass Caesar Salad $15
Chopped romaine lettuce, croutons, lots of Parmesan cheese + Guy’s favorite Caesar dressing are loaded into a crisp, garlicy mega-crouton.
I don’t think I understand this item. I picture a huge crouton, the size of a motorcycle helmet, that has been carved out and stuffed with limp salad. I bet the only reason this Caesar dressing is Guy’s favorite is because it’s the only one he could find at Costco.
The Mayor of Flavortown Burger $17
The meat blanket of seasoned pastrami sends this burger outta bounds. Swiss, caraway seed slaw, dill pickles, onion straws, Dijon mustard + an “awesome pretzel bun” finish off this bad boy.
Is a meat blanket anything like beef curtains? Because if the answer is yes, then no thank you.
Tatted-Up Turkey Burger $16
This burger is a work of art like Guy’s tattoos. Smash-grilled with poblanos & pepper jack. Topped with gouda, ancho bacon, sweet pepper red onion jam, LTOP, donkey sauce + served on an “awesome pretzel” bun.
Yes, let’s compare food to tattoos because whenever I ask what something I am going to eat looks like, I like it to be referenced to skin art. And where exactly does donkey sauce come from? I picture some sad little burro in a cage that is “milked” twice a day by an illegal alien named Maria.
Parmageddon Wings $13
Our breaded chicken parmesan wings + apocalyptic marinara. They might not end the world, but they’ll end your hunger!
I can’t with this.
The Motley Que Sandwich $17
Straight from Guy’s BBQ krew. Pulled pork smothered in Guy’s bourbon brown BBQ sauce, citrus slaw, pickle chips, aged cheddar + onion straws…stacked on an “awesome pretzel” bun.
Any time something is spelled with a K instead of a C, it automatically makes it kewl. And enough with the fucking awesome pretzel bun.
Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge $12
A huge mountain of cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels + hot fudge.
Three out of four Golden Girls just rolled over in their graves.
Good luck, Guy. I’m sure your restaurant will be a huge smash hit. In today’s world, all you have to remember is “if you pour cheese on it and call it awesome, they will eat it.”