20 Ways Servers Have “Gotten Even”

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Yesterday, I posted on the Bitchy Waiter Facebook page an article about servers getting revenge on especially horrible customers, or if not revenge, then wonderful examples of karma. The article had three amusing little anecdotes, but I knew that the people who read Bitchy Waiter would have way better stories, so I asked to hear some favorite moments of mean customers getting what they deserve. And boy oh boy, there were some doozies. By reposting some of these stories, I am in no way condoning such atrocious behavior. I would never treat any of my lovely customers with such disrespect and it’s not like I spit into a glass of lemonade in 1990 at the Black Eyed Pea on Highway 290 in Houston, Texas when I heard a hillbilly asshole customer call me a faggot.

WARNING: What you are about to read is not for the faint of heart. Here are the top 20 ways that servers “got even” or saw karma raise its beautiful head at customers who were less than nice. The list only get worse as it goes down, so if it gets to be too much for you, click here to escape the horror.

And always be nice to your server.

 

20. Jennie: Last week actually I had the typical dbag gf/apologetic bf duo, and she was so ridiculously rude, that every diet coke I gave her was actually regular coke.

19. Elizabeth: Karma is revenges best friend. I had a women who was rude, and ran me ragged the whole meal, bad tip no surprise there. She visited the ladies room before she left. Walked back to the table to collect her things and proceeded to leave, yup a 2 foot long piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe!!! I walked behind her with the biggest smile on my face! Enjoyed every single second! Ha ha!

18. Priscilla: I once had a table of teens dine and dash. Only, one of the young dudes somehow managed to forget his crutches. So, when he hobbled back in I made him pay the whole table. Karma served perfectly, if you ask me.

17. Michelle: Not so much getting revenge as karma being a bitch. One time I had a lady that wanted 12 different checks – then yelled at me that I was taking too long to separate them. She walks out to her car to find a parking ticket for parking in handicapped parking. Best. Day. Ever.

16. Megan: I had an ex boyfriend who managed to get a customer’s name and address. The man was married so my ex sent gay porn to their house…

15. Erika: Guests left their birthday present $50 Starbucks gift card after leaving $10 on $200. I’ve been filling up on free coffee alllllll week!

14. Amanda: I have had this one couple that I have served for 5 years and they are AWFUL! demanding, demeaning, and horrible tippers. The one day the wife left a super expensive Burberry scarf, I just didn’t have the time to run after them to return it…and I now have a really nice scarf.

13. Laurie: Nasty bitch — top notch wench customer — Was lucky enough the next morning when I was out for breakfast with my kids to see her sitting in dining room of popular local restaurant . My youngest was still in baby carrier. I whacked her right in the head with it as I walked by, and I bent down looked her in the eye & said OOPS — loudly, sarcastically and with a little laugh.

12. Zackary: I had a table of 4 Applebee’s Corporate asshats (I was not working at Applebee’s) that got upset with me because i raised an eyebrow after the 15TH OBAN (scotch) NEAT and then complained to my boss in a drunken rage. Needless to say i asked my friend who is a manager for Applebee’s about him and apparently that night he got a DUI.

11. Matteo: I worked with a gal who used to “butter” asshole customers… basically this would consist of placing a blob of warm butter on the top of your hand, on the fleshy bit between your thumb and forefinger…and then you would go to the table, put your hand on the back of the customer’s chair and lean in to ask how everything is..as you lean in the part of your hand that has the butter on it touches the back of their shoulder, dress, jacket, whatever, and a gentle twist and release move is all that is needed to leave the melting blob behind… really messes up a suede jacket…she was my hero.

10. Ruth: I’ve always been lucky enough to be tipped well ! But a few summers ago, ( deck outside) 2 guys sat and drank beer all day. ! Didn’t turn my table over for 5 hours ! There bill was 185 , no tip …….. As I was leaving , my shift was over , someone came up from behind and asked if they could give them a boost because there car wouldn’t start. ! Guess who. ??! I told them I could for $185.

9. April: Many years ago, I waited on 2 asshats that gave me exact change for their bill. After they left, I went over to clean their table, and they had dropped $200 on the floor. They called a couple hours later asking if someone had found the money. As if! If they had been respectable and tipped, I would have given it back to them.

8. Sarah: I was managing one night on the patio of an upscale restaurant. I was doing table visits, and one patron told me his steak was terrible, that he could get a better piece of meat at McDonald’s. I offered to replace it and comp it, but he continued yelling at me about it, so I walked away. 10 minutes later I came back with a McDonald’s cheeseburger and fries. I played it up and sprinkled parsley on it. I dropped the plate in front of him and said, “there’s your better piece of meat sir. All you had to do was ask.” And walked away. He got up from his table came after me, and to my surprise he was laughing. He became a regular and would often bring business associates in and relive the story of how I put him in his place.

7. Nicole: One time this girl was being a total cunt to one of our kindest bartenders. The bitch had ordered a steak salad. We poured a 4 oz ramekin of dirty dishwater over the entire entree salad, and watched her eat every bite. “Tastes great!”

6. Kezwick: Worked at a casual dining spot in Brooklyn… Woman at my table was so unhappy with her meal (and life) that she called me a bitch to my face, among other words (classy, right?) She paid her bill and left, and as I was clearing the table I notice a fake coach wallet/ iPhone case (prob her prized possession)… No iPhone but packed with credit cards, cash, etc… Walked down the street and threw that shit RIGHT in the corner trash can…. Whoops!?!? Some hobo picking through the trash had an awesome day.

5. Justin: Those “extra lemons!” you rudely barked at me for repeatedly even though I was obviously very busy and had already brought you enough to cure a small nation of scurvy? They all came from the floor in the kitchen. Enjoy!

4. Shelby: Made an excellent milkshake for this guy, come back to ask how it was and he said it was terrible and he was being rude as shit. So, I took it back and when I re-made it, I balled up the scoops of ice cream and took them to the dirtiest region on our never-clean break room and rolled them around on the floor.

3. Marc: I’ve hacked a fat loogie in a guys Cesar salad before. He was my friends ex and he liked to get physical with women during a fight, so I had no problem watching him sit at my bar grubbing down on my loogie garnished Cesar.

2. Marisa: My first serving job was at a family diner, a rude guy would bring his wife and 5 kids in every Sunday because the restaurant ran a surf and turf special with lobster tail on Sundays. They ordered shakes every time, for every child. The guy was always a huge tool, always made his kids snap in the air to get my attention and ALWAYS tipped exactly one dollar, handed to me while he laughed and said “don’t spend that all in one place” which would get snickers from the wife and kids while they walked out the door. One Sunday, I saved the dollar and used it to make his change the following Sunday (he always paid in cash, the bill was always $86.15 in 1994) I had of course wiped my ass with it.

1. Ryan: Had a lady send a margarita back 3 times… On the fourth time I dipped my nuts in it and sent it back. She must have liked it because I didn’t see it again.

And this is where all the sanctimonious servers out there can condemn those of us who have stooped so low….

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