Green Beer and Patty Melts For Everyone!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

I hope you started your day with some pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers because today is St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, I am talking about Lucky Charms, nature’s perfect breakfast food other than Cap’n Crunch or Honeycombs. If you needed to have a warm breakfast, then perhaps you settled for a bowl of McCann’s Irish Oatmeal and if you are a big ol’ lush, maybe you just sucked down a Guinness. If that is the case, do not feel bad about it, for today is St. Patrick’s Day and heavy drinking is not only expected, it is encouraged. Does anyone even really know what St. Patrick did? He’s a Catholic something or other and the only hard-core Catholic I know that would be able to give me the lowdown on the guy is probably on her fourth or fifth beer by now. (Marlene, call me. It’s been a while.) Did he chase the rats out of Ireland or see the image of the Virgin Mary on a piece of Irish soda bread toast? I have no idea. Maybe he turned water into green beer? Regardless, today is the day that we all wear green and some people pull out their stupid ass “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” buttons and we go around pinching people who forgot to wear the color of the day. We go to McDonald’s for a shamrock shake and then we head over to Bennigan’s, Houlihan’s, or Maggie Mae’s Irish Pub to get as trashed as we possibly can because that is what St. Patrick and the Catholic church would want. We must honor that tradition, y’all. Get trashed. And don’t worry if you forgot to wear green. If you drink enough pints, your face will soon be the right shade.

When I worked at Houlihan’s, we had a big ass countdown clock one year counting down to the minute that people felt it was acceptable to order beer at 11:00 AM. Why people thought Houlihan’s was a traditional Irish establishment, I’ll never know. Are nachos and chicken fingers Irish? Now that I think about it, I do recall hearing a story about how St. Patrick needed to feed a hundred billion people one time but all he had was one block of Velveeta cheese and a lone bag of Doritos. But miracle of miracles, he fed those multitudes nachos until they were satisfied. That is the power of St. Patty!

I will keep this post brief because I know you are probably already drunk by now (Marlene, call me) and you are ready to go put on your leprechaun costume and run around looking for a pot of gold. I will be at work tonight serving all the drunk bitches in green but I will do it with a smile on my face. For that is what St. Patrick, the patron saint of nachos, would want. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

 

5 thoughts on “Green Beer and Patty Melts For Everyone!

  1. Robert

    It’s funny. Back when Catholics were more strict about Lent, the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter were supposed to be a time of sacrifice. One of the things given up for Lent was the consumption of alcohol.

    When Patrick became a saint and the reining pope decided to create a holiday for him, they decided to waive the restriction on alcohol for that one day.

    I find humor in the fact that the one day out of 40 when you were allowed to drink alcohol morphed into the day that everyone gets trashed as much as they can. I don’t find it a strange transformation or even unexpected but I still find it funny.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    He drove the “snakes” out of Ireland. And by “snakes”, they mean Druids. So basically it’s a holiday celebrating Christianity stomping out yet another religion (a completely peaceful and tolerant religion).

    Reply
  3. Marlene

    Just so you know…I’m only on my second Guinness and St Patrick was born in England…now put that in your green pipe and smoke it.
    Waiter! A shot of Jameson, please….

    Reply

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