“I love waiting tables!”
I seem to have gotten a lot of emails and comments of late that all have the same tone: “if all you do is bitch about your job, why don’t you get another one?” Rather than answer that tired as hell question again, I have decided to ask a guest blogger to write today. Allow me to introduce to you, Scotty, The Happy Waiter. Hopefully, his positive attitude will rub off on me. -BW
Hello, everyone. My name is Scotty and I will be your blogger today. Hardy har har, that’s just a variation of what I say at work, get it? Cause usually I say, “Hello, everyone, my name is Scotty and I will be taking care of you today.” Thank you to The Bitchy Waiter for asking me to write today’s post. It’s my day off and I was going to spend it memorizing the ingredient lists for every entree at work, but I can do that later. No, it’s not required at my job, but I love to have all the answers for my guests. It’s not going to be an easy list to learn, but golly gee, I’m gonna do it, even if it means I have to pull another all-nighter this week. I already had one three days ago because I stayed up all night sewing a new apron for myself. My old one wasn’t doing it for me. It only had two pockets, so I redesigned it to suit my needs. Now it has a special place for my change and my pad and all the pens that my customers use. I also created a secret pocket for my favorite lucky pen. It’s just a Bic that I bought about four months ago ( MY FIRST DAY AS A WAITER, October 24, 2013!!). I keep that pen for only me to use and I dunno what I’m gonna do when it runs out of ink. Cry, probably. Hardy har har! Sew (get it? I used “sew” instead of “so” since I was talking about sewing) my new apron is also a different color than everyone I work with. Their’s are black but mine is a very, very, very, very dark grey. I think it sets me apart from my co-workers.
BW asked me to write about whatever I want so I thought I would just tell you how much I love waiting tables. I LOVE WAITING TABLES! There is something so gratifying about knowing that I can create the perfect atmosphere for my tables and make their night special. For example, a few of nights ago, I could tell that the couple at Table 107 was not in the best of moods when they sat down, so I made it my mission to cheer them up by the time they left! I pulled out all the stops! When I took their order, I crouched down at the table so it seemed like I was their friend and not just their waiter. I could tell they liked it. I also said this to them: “
Hello, my name is taking care of you and I will be your Scotty today. Oops, reverse that!”
That’s a little joke that I use to lighten the mood and show them that we’re all here to have a good time. My trainer taught me that one. He’s worked here for nine years and everyone says he’s bitter, but I don’t see it. Every time I use that joke, he laughs the loudest. He’s great. On my first day, he played a joke on me that involved emptying all the hot water from the coffee machine. I don’t wanna say what happened exactly because I don’t want to spoil the surprise when I use it on the next newbie. (Newbie is someone who is new to waiting tables, unlike me, who has been doing it for four months.) When I took Table 107’s app (that’s short for appetizers) out to them, I brought them an extra ramekin of our spicy signature bloom sauce and I could tell that they were really pleased with my service. (By the way, did you know that our Bloomin’ Onion is only 325 calories per serving? It serves six, but honestly, I can eat a whole order by myself! I memorized the nutritional information three weeks ago.)
For dinner, the man had Victoria’s Filet and Lobster Tail. The filet is supposed to be 6 ounces but I asked the chef if he could give him a 7 ounce portion instead. He threw a bunch of sweet potato fries at my head when I asked him but I could tell he was just being silly. Chef Chico is so funny! The woman ordered a Bloomin’ Burger and I told her that since she already ate half of the Bloomin’ Onion, if she wasn’t careful she was going to turn into one!! Even though she didn’t laugh, I could tell she thought my joke was funny. They didn’t want dessert which is too bad because I was going to put a birthday candle in it and get all the other waiters to sing happy birthday to her, even though I don’t know if it was her birthday or not. I just thought it would make the night more memorable. Oh well!!
They left me a 10% tip but I was so happy. I know that people can only tip what they can afford and that for very 10% tipper, there is a 12% or even a 15% tipper right around the corner!
Okay, I’d better go. I hope BW likes what I wrote. I just wanted to let everyone know that waiting tables makes me proud of who I am. I can make a difference for every customer and SO CAN YOU! If you ever feel down about your job remember this: servers are the gateway to a better dining experience. WE ROCK!!! Now get out there and make those 12% tips!!!
Emily
Reminds me of the fellow server of Jennifer Aniston’s character in Office Space. He’s got 32 pieces of flare!
kron
There is nothing more annoying than a server sitting with you or bending low at your table like they are talking to kids! I want to tell them to gtf away. Most people hate that! In all the years I’ve been serving I have never done that.
Cheyenne
It makes me think of the annoying waitress Hot Pocket commercial. (this is the link, won’t let me copy the picture)
https://i.vimeocdn.com/video/332797403_640.jpg
kron
Too perfect!!!! LOL
Karma Girl
I’ve had waiters like this before, and I’ve wanted to cock punch them every time. There’s nice, there’s chipper, and then there’s down right irritating. I’ll take BW any day of the week.
aj
Can i cunt punch scotty
Megan
As a longtime reader who happens to serve at Outback, I finally came out of the shadows to tell you how absolutely hysterical this was. Also, the picture couldn’t be more perfect. XD
The Bitchy Waiter
Thank you!
Debbie
The post is funny …. But the picture is HYSTERICAL!
anne marie
never change, bitchy; we love you just the way you are. the other idiots who don’t understand snark can go blow goats.
MrsMac
Really you should reply to that stupid question with a stupid answer: I continue to be a server because I am filled with self-loathing and at least bitching about my job gives me purpose in life. They can’t really respond to that.
Tasha
Love it, I’m not sure why everyone complains, most of your audience is servers. I for one freaking love your blog I’ll always read new and old ones in my break considering I’ll sometimes have a 2 hour break. Your blog definitely does help though can relate to everything and on Facebook it let’s me do my bitching lol. Thank you so much for posting.
Susan
I have actually worked with this person in many restaurants around the country! The most annoying co-worker ever!
April
I don’t get these complainers…what exactly is their thought process? “Hey, I’m going read a blog entitled “the Bitchy Waiter”. GASP! This blog is not all about sweetness and light. The name totally implied this was a blog full of glitter and happiness. I must complain!”
Tanner
I like bitchy better. I dont want to strangle you after every sentence, rather I empathize 90% of the time.
I will say that my favorite part of this whole thing was the newbie sequence… “Unlike me who has been doing it for four months!” This is so true! Once a new set of servers is hired, the last batch automatically think they’re pro and their shit don’t stink.
I’ve been in the industry for just over 2 years now and I still don’t think Iim. Veteran by any means. Am I good at my job and do I know e protocols and regulations for my restaurant? Sure! Do I still learn new techniques and experience new (usually horrifying) situations? Duh!
Anything less than like 3 or 4 years is still new in my opinion.
Gave me a nice chuckle, but i can’t wait for the next… Less sugary…post!
IrishStubborn
Oh dear God. Fist, please bring me some insulin. Second, I think I’ve had this waiter before, and all I could think was “Should I wait until the meal is over before I stab him with a fork, or just end my misery now?”
dave
“Crackers” really is that necessary.
McKinsey
That blog gave me cancer of the anus.
Tara Cartner
After a seated brunch for 131 old ass, rich crackers traveling in RVs to see the Mardi Gras, this article has made my day. I really think these old rich assholes need to drink 10 cups of coffee each to keep their colons from clogging up.
If you are ever in New Orleans, you come see me and I will buy you a drink. I love, love, love your blog, and I think it will keep my sanity through wedding season.
Best,
Tara
Renee
I hate happy waiter as much as crumb snatcher & shitty tippers. For the Love of God bring back bitchy waiter.