Putting the Pee in Pizza Hut

Piss happens

Piss happens

Have you ever worked with a manager who you thought was lazy? Could he have possibly been as bad as the unnamed manager of a Pizza Hut  who was too lazy to walk to the restroom so instead just peed in the kitchen sink? Yes, that happened last week in Kermit, West Virginia and it was all caught on tape. Presumably, the cameras were in place for security reasons. You know, in case the place is robbed or to make sure that the cook is putting the right amount of processed mozzarella cheese on each pie. What a surprise though to find a manager whipping out his personal-sized pepperoni pizza and pissing right there in the sink. The manager was fired and the Pizza Hut was shut down until the the place is thoroughly cleaned and inspected.

Who the hell pees in a sink?? (Full disclosure: in the early 1990’s I once went to a Christmas party with a friend who thought it would be cute to dress up like a Slutty Santa Claus. He drank way too much egg nog and I brought him back to my apartment because he was in no condition to drive. I watched him throw up in my toilet, with that Santa hat catching little drops of puke with each heave. He passed out wrapped around my toilet, looking like a sad Christmas present from the Isle of Misfit Drunk Bitches. I couldn’t move him. When it was time for me to relieve myself, I had no choice but to go in my sink. This was a dire measure and I bleached the hell out of that sink, but in answer to my own question, “Who the hell pees in a sink?” apparently, I do.)

What was this manager thinking? How far away could the restroom have been to make it that inconvenient to go to it? Was his body so full of piss that it had floated up to his brain and clouded his judgement with some yellow fog? The way he walks to the sink with such conviction leads me to believe that this is not the first time he’s done it. He doesn’t stand there at the sink, a little bit pee shy. No, he unzips that fly and lets it whizz right out. When he is finished, he turns on the water and I think, ‘Well, at least he’s gonna wash his hands.” But he doesn’t do that. He turns on the water for about one quick second to rinse out the sink and then decides, “Aww fuck it. This place is disgusting anyway, who the hell cares? Lemme just grab my coffee and keep doin’ what I was doin’.”

I haven’t been to  Pizza Hut in ages. The last time was probably in 1985 when we would sometimes stop at one on the way home from a speech tournament in high school. (And I would like to apologize to every Pizza Hut that ever had to deal with the bus load of 30 high school drama students who loved for people to think they were crazy.) The Pizza Hut Corp. has released a statement announcing that it was “embarrassed” by the manager’s actions. No word yet on whether or not the manager has released a statement, but I think it would be something like this:

“Yeah, here in Kermit, it ain’t easy being green and I am green with envy of all those other Pizza Hut managers who who knew it was better to bleed their lizard in the toilet than the sink. There is no excuse for my behavior, but in my defense, I had drank a lot of coffee and I have a very weak bladder. Rather than walk all the way to the toilet, I was attempting to save on the payroll and pissed in the sink instead. I saved about two minutes by doing so. By not washing my hands, I saved about twenty seconds. And by not cleaning the sink, I saved about ten more minutes. Of course, if I woulda just peed in the toilet, I’d still have my job, so that didn’t quite work out like I planned. I value my time at Pizza Hut and I am grateful that there were no surveillance cameras around when I took a dump in the trash can thirty minutes earlier. I look forward to the next chapter of my life. I have recently applied for a job at the Home Depot and I can only dream of the day when I can work in the bathroom fixtures department where I will be surrounded by sinks and toilets all day. Thank you.”

I only have two words for this manger: Urine trouble.


  1. Bob hope
  2. max
  3. Tone
  4. NamelessServer

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