V.D.
It’s February 14th. For some of us, we know it as Florence Henderson’s birthday, but for others it is Valentine’s Day. It’s that day when couples forget about everything that their boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse or significant other does to get on their last fucking nerve and they go out to dinner instead. With this holiest of all holy holidays falling on a Friday, those of us in the restaurant business will be even more slammed than usual. If you are one of those folks who will be making their way out into the world of two-tops tonight, here are a few things you should NOT say to anyone who is working in the restaurant:
- “Why is it so crowded?” It’s Valentine’s Day, genius. Everyone goes out to eat today whether they want to or not. Friday night leftovers are not a thing on February 14th. It does not matter if you are going to Chili’s, Olive Garden, Le Cirque, White Castle or the hot dog cart on 14th Street, everywhere you go there is going to be a lot of other people trying to think of sweet things to say to each other.
- “We want a quiet table away from everywhere else.” See above, asshole. Restaurants are packing people in tonight. I bet there are even a few places that pulled out some card tables and folding chairs just to get a few more seats. They probably took all the four-tops and cut them in two so they can seat more people. If you need quiet, you should have gone out on Thursday night.
- “Can I make a reservation?” Too late. And don’t be trying to act like you made one three weeks ago and someone forgot to write it in the book. The truth is you forgot all about today and it wasn’t until last night when you were at CVS buying some shaving gel when you saw the holiday aisle looking more trashed than I do after a bottomless mimosa brunch. If you are trying to make a reservation today, your girlfriend probably already knows that you’re a piece of shit. Being rude to the hostess isn’t going to change that perception.
- “Why is the menu more expensive today than it was last week?” Because it’s Valentine’s Day, that’s why. It’s called “price gouging.” In most cases, price gouging is illegal, like charging more for gasoline or bottled water when it’s in short supply after a natural disaster. For some reason though, pricing gauging at restaurants is perfectly acceptable on the natural disaster we call Valentine’s Day. If you wanted that linguini with shrimp that was $18, you better come back tomorrow, because today it’s part of a prix fixe menu. It’s a smaller portion and it also comes with a salad, a glass of wine and a molten chocolate lava cake for two. It costs $49.99. Happy Valentine’s Day.
- “Can you put this ring in my girlfriend’s dessert so I can propose to her?” No. Your server doesn’t want to be responsible for the ring you bought at Zales last week. Every kiss begins with Kay, but you can kiss my ass. What if your server drops it into his apron and it gets covered with the ink from that cheap pen he uses? Or what if the ring falls out of the hole in the apron and it ends up in the dish-room where Miguel sweeps it up with the broken tortilla chips? Or what if you give the server a ring that you say is worth thousands of dollars but really it’s some cheap ass dollar store ring and then you claim that he switched it on you? No. Besides, you should come up with a more creative way to propose.
- “Can we have a table for three?” Really? Two-tops are all that exist and all that matter on Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry. One of you will have to go home and eat nachos while watching The Notebook.
- “We’re not in a hurry.” The hell you aren’t. That table needs to be turned over at least three times this shift if the server is going to make this night of living hell worth it. (Thanks, Robin!)
- “What are you doing after work?” If you ask this of your server on Valentine’s Day, you’re a dick, man.
Good luck to every server out there tonight. It’s gonna be a tough one, but I know you can do it. You just push your way through the night and before you know it, you’ll be sitting at the bar eating Hershey Kisses and counting your pile of blood money. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Jackie
I just got home from my valentine’s day breakfast shift. It was a busy one for sure, because you know, we had the people who wanted to skip the crowds and have breakfast at the same time as the after church crowd. In the middle of serving the order to my ten top, the regular (several times a week) couple actually stopped me with an armful of plates to ask if they could order! Oh well, it’s over, it was profitable, and now I can have beer! Good luck to all servers working tonight!
DeeDub
I just worked brunch/lunch as well. We served over 400 people with 5 servers, One hostess, two bussers and a full kitchen staff. It was hell. And, yes, people were wondering why it was so busy. We had the “beat the crowd” guests that didn’t beat anything. The regular church rush, that were confused for the mayhem. We also got a slew of people that stayed an extra day at the cabin because they have real jobs and don’t have to work tomorrow, President’s day. I’m beat, but I made bank! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Sylver
I just quit one waitress job and went to another, much higher class restaurant. The new place didn’t want to overwhelm me as I am still technically training there, so they didn’t schedule me there on vday. The old place – it was to be my last shift there. Go ahead. Guess where I’m NOT at. 😉
Geoff
Btw, hosts don’t much care for Valentine’s Day, either.
Kalifornia
At least y’all get your tips. Try working in the kitchen on Valentine’s Day…to all the servers out there, be nice to your kitchen staff(and please quit yelling at us for “taking too long”, we can’t change how long something takes to make); remember we make your food too. }:)
Anonymous
We get tips, but you guys get hourly. That being said, I completely agree with you. I’m lucky enough to work in a restaurant with an awesome kitchen staff, and I try to let them know it. I’ve also worked in places where the kitchen was understaffed (and one where they seemed to only hire assholes as cooks), and it makes a gigantic difference.
catherine
My hourly doesn’t even come close to what the servers make at the end of the day, even on a regular night. We deal with it by become alcoholics, so make sure you bring the overworked chef a drink at the end of the night to keep us from falling on our henckels in desperation, because we know we would murder the entire front of house, staff and customers, if we had to work up front. 😀
Amy
In your honour BW, we left our server an extra big tip tonight. Happy Valentine’s Day and thanks for the laughs!
Rebekah
My other favorite… “tonight is a special night for us”. Yes I am sure it is.
Once I was running the door in a romantic restaurant in Pike PLace Market on V day and one couple came in and he was wearing so much “fragrance” that all the tables I sat next to them asked to move. That really messed up the very delicate game of Jenga I was playing with the overbookedness of the night. Hey idiots no one want to smell the awful perfume your wife/husband just gave you. YUCK.
anne marie
happy v-day to your and your hubby, bitchy!
spouse and I went out last saturday; you will NEVER catch us in a restaurant on v-day with the rest of the idiots. after 22 years, it’s just a day to spend quietly at home.
Kim
I’ll never forget Valentines day, 2012. Our restaurant mostly had six top tables. Whoever was in charge, decided it would be a good idea to strategically place the tables under curtains that were already part of our decor. The curtains fell between adjacent chairs. We sat 2 2-tops at each table. SHARED! With the curtain, you couldn’t see the stranger next to you, but you could definitely see their date. AT A SHARED TABLE! People made reservations weeks ahead of time & were pissed. Yeah, that was a great night.
ashley
No its not that we hate people, most of us actually enjoy serving. It’s those people that act like everything is about them and are completely rude no matter what u do.. that we hate.
Kay
You mean the customer who is paying (or being gouged) for a service? How dare they think it’s all about them…
Heather
So you’re the only customer in restaurants where you go to eat? I’ve never met a server responsible for only 1 table at a time.
ashley
Oh so you’re one of those customers. I’ve been serving for 4-5 years and things happen sometimes that we can’t control. Yet the customer that thinks the world revolves around them, cannot get that though their head.
Anonymous
Kay and sallyann had better stay the fuck out of my section.
Groovekitten
I’m not even a server and Kay and Sallyann just need to stay out of my universe.
sally
agreed! LOL
Stephanie
2nd that. At least we know our beloved Bitchy Waiter is an act! And a damn funny one at that. Keep ’em coming, these posts and some of the comments make my day 🙂
Sallyann
Every time I read your posts I am struck by how much you seem to hate people and I wonder what the heck you are doing in a service industry.
The Bitchy Waiter
Every time someone reads my post and wonders why I am still a waiter, I am struck by how people do not realize this is a character. I’m not really a bitch. I just play one online.
Trish
Nice.
White Russian
thank you. no shit. honestly, every time those people get their panties in a twist, I wonder if they take it all seriously and really believe you do give a baby a knife and a bottle of texas pete. (C) from your good oldies ))
Kristi
Amen! Cynicism to its finest! Thank you for entertaining this old waitress. 😉
LReyy
Sallyann- with that comment alone I can tell you’re not a server. As a server, I love my job yes, and you come across those people that truly make your job enjoyable. Unfortunately more often than not you come across the table that makes serving your own personal little hell on earth. They may not be the worst table you’ve ever waited on, but they slowly and surely day after day they beat you down. Now at this point you don’t hate people, but it coming close. The truly sad part (for me at least) is that smiling and being polite is now something you can’t avoid. You find yourself wishing complete strangers at the grocery store to have a good day, and consistently letting people ahead of you. Now weather you agree or not. No matter what the situation were always fucking poliete. That is until we have a mental break down lol
LReyy
My god. My spelling because my phone thinks it knows best is atrocious.
Teresa
Also, this year, to make things extra interesting…. It’s a full moon! Enjoy the weirdness…
grubslinger
As the closer tonight, I anticipate a rather hefty pile of blood money. And probably a whole lot of wine with my Hershey’s kisses. Or just more wine.
Tone
My husband and I used to be one of those couples that went out on Feb 14th. It’s noisy, it’s crowded, its expensive and oh so not worth it.
You stay together long enough though and that special day is just as special sharing a croque monsieur and green salad while watching last week’s Walking Dead from the PVR. Eventually even love comes to its senses.
To every server working tonight, may your tips be large, and your annoyances be small. Happy Valentine’s Day! 😀
Celia
My boyfriend and I have been together about six months and our Valentine’s day consisted of pancakes (that he cut hearts out of and filled with strawberry syrup) with a beach on the projector, pizza dinner and video games. lol :]
I also got him a card with a finger puppet zombie and wrote, “If you turned into a zombie, I’d shoot you in the head <3" Valentine's Day is way better when you make a real effort 😀
Bird
Nailed it
Scotty
Gauging? You must have meant price gouging?
The Bitchy Waiter
Thank you! Corrected.
Karma Girl
I bet you’re the type of person that goes insane over mistakes with words like your and you’re or there and their. It’s all good. So am I. So am I.
Raven Vinnie
Great post! I like seeing things from different perspectives like this, and it’s really amusing to see all of the commentary and scenarios you have in here!
Great job, and keep em coming ;-).
-R.V.