7 Things to NOT Say in a Restaurant on Valentine’s Day

V.D.

V.D.

It’s February 14th. For some of us, we know it as Florence Henderson’s birthday, but for others it is Valentine’s Day. It’s that day when couples forget about everything that their boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse or significant other does to get on their last fucking nerve and they go out to dinner instead. With this holiest of all holy holidays falling on a Friday, those of us in the restaurant business will be even more slammed than usual. If you are one of those folks who will be making their way out into the world of two-tops tonight, here are a few things you should NOT say to anyone who is working in the restaurant:

 

 

  • “Why is it so crowded?” It’s Valentine’s Day, genius. Everyone goes out to eat today whether they want to or not. Friday night leftovers are not a thing on February 14th. It does not matter if you are going to Chili’s, Olive Garden, Le Cirque, White Castle or the hot dog cart on 14th Street, everywhere you go there is going to be a lot of other people trying to think of sweet things to say to each other.
  • “We want a quiet table away from everywhere else.” See above, asshole. Restaurants are packing people in tonight. I bet there are even a few places that pulled out some card tables and folding chairs just to get a few more seats. They probably took all the four-tops and cut them in two so they can seat more people. If you need quiet, you should have gone out on Thursday night.
  • “Can I make a reservation?” Too late. And don’t be trying to act like you made one three weeks ago and someone forgot to write it in the book. The truth is you forgot all about today and it wasn’t until last night when you were at CVS buying some shaving gel when you saw the holiday aisle looking more trashed than I do after a bottomless mimosa brunch. If you are trying to make a reservation today, your girlfriend probably already knows that you’re a piece of shit. Being rude to the hostess isn’t going to change that perception.
  • “Why is the menu more expensive today than it was last week?” Because it’s Valentine’s Day, that’s why. It’s called “price gouging.” In most cases, price gouging is illegal, like charging more for gasoline or bottled water when it’s in short supply after a natural disaster. For some reason though, pricing gauging at restaurants is perfectly acceptable on the natural disaster we call Valentine’s Day. If you wanted that linguini with shrimp that was $18, you better come back tomorrow, because today it’s part of a prix fixe menu. It’s a smaller portion and it also comes with a salad, a glass of wine and a molten chocolate lava cake for two. It costs $49.99. Happy Valentine’s Day.
  • “Can you put this ring in my girlfriend’s dessert so I can propose to her?” No. Your server doesn’t want to be responsible for the ring you bought at Zales last week. Every kiss begins with Kay, but you can kiss my ass. What if your server drops it into his apron and it gets covered with the ink from that cheap pen he uses? Or what if the ring falls out of the hole in the apron and it ends up in the dish-room where Miguel sweeps it up with the broken tortilla chips? Or what if you give the server a ring that you say is worth thousands of dollars but really it’s some cheap ass dollar store ring and then you claim that he switched it on you? No. Besides, you should come up with a more creative way to propose.
  • “Can we have a table for three?” Really? Two-tops are all that exist  and all that matter on Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry. One of you will have to go home and eat nachos while watching The Notebook.
  • “We’re not in a hurry.” The hell you aren’t. That table needs to be turned over at least three times this shift if the server is going to make this night of living hell worth it. (Thanks, Robin!)
  • “What are you doing after work?”  If you ask this of your server on Valentine’s Day, you’re a dick, man.

Good luck to every server out there tonight. It’s gonna be a tough one, but I know you can do it. You just push your way through the night and before you know it, you’ll be sitting at the bar eating Hershey Kisses and counting your pile of blood money. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Discussion

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