7 Ways to Be a Cheap-Ass in a Restaurant

How to be cheap

How to be cheap

Oh boy, another article about how to save money in restaurants. Thanks, Woman’s Day, for creating even more women that no server wants to have in his section. I’m not exactly sure when the article was written, but I am sure that it needs to be fact-checked and run through the Bitchy Waiter approval machine. Please go read the article and then come back here to see how I feel about it. Shall we begin?

Order appetizers as a meal. Yes, do that, ladies. Many restaurants do in fact offer appetizers and they are often priced a bit lower than entrees. You want to know why they are priced lower? Because it’s less food, that’s why. So feel free to order an egg roll and salad for your entree but don’t be surprised when thirty minutes after you eat, you’re hungry again. Rather than deprive your self of food, why not just save up enough money to be able to go to a restaurant and actually eat what you want to eat?

Keep an eye out for early bird specials. This idea is fine and dandy because I am all about buy-one-get-one-free, especially when it comes to cocktails. But how early do you want to eat? If you’re good with having “dinner” at 4:00, that’s great, but what do you do when it’s 9:00 and you’re ready for dinner again? Just go to bed hungry, I suppose, because you already spent your daily allowance on food. Good night. I hope the growling of your stomach doesn’t keep you up, you cheap-ass bitch.

Look for discounts online. No server is going to mind if you use a coupon. However, they will hate you and curse you all to hell if you tip on the discounted price. I cannot stress this enough. If you use a Groupon or some other bullshit coupon, and your bill is cut in half, do not think it’s okay to cut the tip in half too. The server served the same amount of food that you would have gotten without the coupon, so why would anyone think it’s alright to tip less? Oh, wait, I remember, because this article is about ways to save money.

Cut your entree in half. Oh god, all of these suggestions are just variations of saying “eat less.” I could save a lot of money too if I decided to eat half of everything. That box of Annie’s mac and cheese would last twice as long if I only ate half of it. Problem is, I want all of it. Why the hell would you go to a restaurant and only intend to eat half of the food you order? They even advise you to divide it up the moment you get it so you’re not “tempted to overeat.” Again, don’t go out to eat until you can actually enjoy going out to eat.

Enjoy a late lunch. Now they are advising you to adjust your schedule to save a few dollars. Eat a late lunch so you won’t be hungry for dinner. Sure. Eat lunch at 3:30 and then just give up and go to bed at 7:00 so that annoying thing called hunger won’t force you to spend more money on something called dinner. And isn’t this point pretty much the same as the early-bird special? They may as well call this article “How to Lose Five Pounds.”

Skip the soft drinks. I can agree on this. As much as I want everyone to order Cokes and then have three refills (and, no, the refills are not free), I can understand drinking water in order to save a few bucks. Just don’t fucking ask us to bring you a a lot of lemons and a sugar caddy because as soon as I see your ass making a lemonade at your table, I am walking to the computer and adding a $2 lemonade to your check. Lemons and Splenda ain’t free.

Base tips on service. Hold up, hold up. “If you didn’t receive exceptional service, or were disappointed with your dining experience, plan on tipping between 10 to 15 percent.” This needs to be rephrased because if you are disappointed with your dining experience but it had nothing to do with your server, you better reach your short-ass arms into your deep-ass pockets and produce a 20% tip. This suggestion is just giving people the reason they need to look for any tiny little detail that they found disappointing so they can justify the 10% tip they were going to leave anyway. “Oh, I didn’t like the music that was playing and it made me feel disappointed in my dining experience” is not going to cut it.

Please go to the original article and leave your comments because I’m sure they’d love to know how you feel about their great money-saving ideas. Let them know The Bitchy Waiter sent you.

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