Non-Bitchy Waiter, Rainbows and Unicorns

Waiting tables is fun!

Waiting tables is fun!

Very often, people come to this blog or to the Facebook page and they are taken aback by all the negativity and bitching. What I do not understand is why anyone would be surprised to find bitching on a website about bitching. It’s like going to a porn website and then complaining that all they show is porn. Or going to a Celine Dion website and being upset that all they do is talk about yodeling Canadians. However, in an attempt to be an all-inclusive website, I have chosen to dedicate this post to all things positive. After a few false starts, I discovered that writing about all things positive puts me in a very bad mood. It’s just not in me. “What to do, what to do?” I wondered. “I haven’t always been so negative and bitchy have I?” (“Yes. Yes you have,” shouts my mom from 1500 miles away.) I decided to do some digging into my boxes of crap and dig up one of my old diaries to see if I could find an entry that talked about waiting tables in a positive way. It took some time, but I found one. I give to you Non-Bitchy Waiter, circa 1990:

Dear Diary,

I am so totally psyched because today was my first day as a waiter and it was, like, totally awesome. I applied at a bunch of restaurants a couple of weeks ago and after a few interviews, I was chosen to work at Bennigan’s!!! I started today and it was amazing. I think I am really gonna like it. I have two weeks of training which is wonderful because it will really give me a chance to learn the menu and make sure I can answer all the questions that a customer might ask. I mean “guest.” (That’s what we call them!)  It’s gonna be hard, but I can do it!! I know I can! One thing I like about the place is that there is a jukebox and we can play our favorite music which will make it even more fun to work there. Just today, I heard Vogue, Vision of Love, Pump Up the Jam and Nothing Compares 2 U. Amazing jukebox, right?? Another thing hat is great is that they encourage us to be ourselves and we can decorate our apron and suspenders. They call it “flair” and I am going to be the king of it! I have so many buttons that I have been collecting for so long and now I can finally have a reason to wear them. I think i will wear a few different ones and change them every day. I have another plan about my apron. Since I am still living with Mammaw, I can use her sewing machine to make cool aprons. Maybe I can make four different ones for each of the days I work. I wonder if there is  contest for Best Flair, because I want to win it if there is!! Oh, and I just remembered that I heard an En Vogue song today too!

The girl who trained me is super dooper nice. Her name is Melanie and I feel like we could be friends. She has worked there for nine months so she knows all the ropes. Maybe some day I can be a trainer. I think she gets paid extra to do it which would be really nice. Oh and you know what else? I get a free meal every day! There is a section of food off the menu we can choose from. Today I had chicken fingers!! FREE! I love being a waiter.

After I was done with my first shift and they had given me all the menus to memorize, I got into my car. As soon as Turned on the radio, Vision of Love was playing again and I took it as a sign that I am going to LOVE working at Bennigan’s. As I drove out of the parking lot, i looked up int he sky and saw a rainbow over Highway 59 and behind Greenspoint Mall. The rainbow was a full one and I could see how much land it covered. As I looked closer, I could just make out a silver unicorn that was sliding down the rainbow towards the mall. The unicorn was wearing a an apron made out of gold lamé and he was wearing a  button that said “Why Be Normal.” He was also wearing rainbow suspenders and holding a tray of chicken fingers. Seeing that silver unicorn sliding down a rainbow proves to me that I have found the job of my dreams! Look out world, because I am going to be the best darn waiter you have ever seen! 

That’s about as positive as it fucking gets.

 

 

Discussion

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