Non-Bitchy Waiter, Rainbows and Unicorns

Waiting tables is fun!

Waiting tables is fun!

Very often, people come to this blog or to the Facebook page and they are taken aback by all the negativity and bitching. What I do not understand is why anyone would be surprised to find bitching on a website about bitching. It’s like going to a porn website and then complaining that all they show is porn. Or going to a Celine Dion website and being upset that all they do is talk about yodeling Canadians. However, in an attempt to be an all-inclusive website, I have chosen to dedicate this post to all things positive. After a few false starts, I discovered that writing about all things positive puts me in a very bad mood. It’s just not in me. “What to do, what to do?” I wondered. “I haven’t always been so negative and bitchy have I?” (“Yes. Yes you have,” shouts my mom from 1500 miles away.) I decided to do some digging into my boxes of crap and dig up one of my old diaries to see if I could find an entry that talked about waiting tables in a positive way. It took some time, but I found one. I give to you Non-Bitchy Waiter, circa 1990:

Dear Diary,

I am so totally psyched because today was my first day as a waiter and it was, like, totally awesome. I applied at a bunch of restaurants a couple of weeks ago and after a few interviews, I was chosen to work at Bennigan’s!!! I started today and it was amazing. I think I am really gonna like it. I have two weeks of training which is wonderful because it will really give me a chance to learn the menu and make sure I can answer all the questions that a customer might ask. I mean “guest.” (That’s what we call them!)  It’s gonna be hard, but I can do it!! I know I can! One thing I like about the place is that there is a jukebox and we can play our favorite music which will make it even more fun to work there. Just today, I heard Vogue, Vision of Love, Pump Up the Jam and Nothing Compares 2 U. Amazing jukebox, right?? Another thing hat is great is that they encourage us to be ourselves and we can decorate our apron and suspenders. They call it “flair” and I am going to be the king of it! I have so many buttons that I have been collecting for so long and now I can finally have a reason to wear them. I think i will wear a few different ones and change them every day. I have another plan about my apron. Since I am still living with Mammaw, I can use her sewing machine to make cool aprons. Maybe I can make four different ones for each of the days I work. I wonder if there is  contest for Best Flair, because I want to win it if there is!! Oh, and I just remembered that I heard an En Vogue song today too!

The girl who trained me is super dooper nice. Her name is Melanie and I feel like we could be friends. She has worked there for nine months so she knows all the ropes. Maybe some day I can be a trainer. I think she gets paid extra to do it which would be really nice. Oh and you know what else? I get a free meal every day! There is a section of food off the menu we can choose from. Today I had chicken fingers!! FREE! I love being a waiter.

After I was done with my first shift and they had given me all the menus to memorize, I got into my car. As soon as Turned on the radio, Vision of Love was playing again and I took it as a sign that I am going to LOVE working at Bennigan’s. As I drove out of the parking lot, i looked up int he sky and saw a rainbow over Highway 59 and behind Greenspoint Mall. The rainbow was a full one and I could see how much land it covered. As I looked closer, I could just make out a silver unicorn that was sliding down the rainbow towards the mall. The unicorn was wearing a an apron made out of gold lamé and he was wearing a  button that said “Why Be Normal.” He was also wearing rainbow suspenders and holding a tray of chicken fingers. Seeing that silver unicorn sliding down a rainbow proves to me that I have found the job of my dreams! Look out world, because I am going to be the best darn waiter you have ever seen! 

That’s about as positive as it fucking gets.

 

 

16 thoughts on “Non-Bitchy Waiter, Rainbows and Unicorns

  1. Kaliphornia

    I HATE it when I go to porn sites and all they show is PORN, PORN and more fucking PORN! It’s downright insulting! Because I go to porn sites to read informative, thought provoking articles, not to pound my meat like every other skag out there!

    Just who do you think I am, porn site industry? Anthony Weiner?

    Reply
  2. Lilly

    Hey Bitchy! I love your site. I’m a server and college student, so I really enjoy finding good humor in all the insanity that is the restaurant business. I have read all your archives and enjoyed every story and finally have one worth sharing.

    I live in Memphis, and work in a nice but fairly casual restaurant. My boss expects us to look and act extremely professional, and we do! We have amazing regulars and reviews to prove it. One of my good friends at work is a very kind, unbelievably generous, thoughtful and all around good hearted person. This Sunday, she had a table ask “Is there anything we can pray for you?” To which she said “I’m not all that religious, but some cooler weather would be nice!” with a smile. She is one of our best servers: friendly, outgoing, enthusiastic. But they chose to ignore that and leave a hateful message calling her evil instead of a tip. I was horrified. At the end of a rough shift, there’s not much worse than cruelty and no tip.

    I then had a wonderful shift, with awesome customers and outstanding tips, leaving with more than 20% of my sales. It’s just crazy how it can change just like that.

    Reply
  3. euphoric_mania

    Deerbrook Mall is in Humble off of 59, Greenspoint is the dying mall in the hood off of 45. You’re forgetting your roots, son!

    Reply
  4. euphoric_mania

    That’s Deerbrook mall by 59 in Humble! Greenspoint mall is on 45 and Greens Rd! You’re forgetting your roots, son.

    Reply
  5. Fara

    Too funny! When my friends and I are having a bad night at work, we use the term “Rainbows & Unicorns” to try and cheer each other up. Of course it never works, but it’s always funny to hear the comments that follow. It’s usually followed by a big ol’ “HATRED”!!! We love you BW!!!

    Reply
  6. Nixii

    I remember my first time… <3

    2 weeks later I tossed a pizza box at my manager during a rush and shouted "You fold the damn boxes! I have to get water for 6 tables, on a Sunday, at a pizza place! Yes, they WILL want to take shit home from the buffet and you need to be prepared!"

    That's when I knew it was love.

    Reply
  7. melissa in houston

    All this post did was make me miss bennigans’ totally awesome honey mustard. It was the best. I now shead a tear for that sweet sweet honey mustard.

    Reply
  8. John P

    I remember starting out as a host, it was a big deal to get promoted to server, I was sooo stoked. But then I found out why our servers were always complaining. It all makes sense now.

    Reply
  9. Kristen in Mpls

    Now that is just plain funny! Oh the early days…bahahaha! Thanks for the “positive” post, but bring back Bitchy – I love reading his stuff!

    Reply
  10. Chris

    Who are you and what have you done with Bitchy? I’ll contribute to the ransom if you just return him, safe, sound, and bitchy.

    Reply

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