I Told the Bartender Everything-and Then Threw Up

Bitches. All of 'em.

Bitches. All of ’em.

Hey, remember when I worked for The Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named? Those were good times I had working with Holly Hobbie, Linda Evans, Porcelain Doll and Lispy Gay. Man, what a bunch of cunts they were. Well, I regurgitated the whole story about my time there to an awesome podcast called Tell The Bartender.

It’s run by my friend Katharine Heller who is really great. Like if I could spread her on toast, I would totally eat her. Okay, that sounded dirty, but I was just trying to compare her to Nutella. I have known Katharine for about 15 years which freaks me out because I thought I was older than 12 when we met but I guess not. Anyhoo, she has this podcast called Tell The Bartender and basically, it’s a story telling show where she makes her guests drinks and then stories are told. It was only a matter of time before Bitchy Waiter and Tell the Bartender hooked up and made sloppy-drunk social media love. She made me the strongest vodka gimlets I have ever had and she got me trashed. “Have a shot,” she says. “Have another!” she says. And of course since I don’t know how to say no, I pretty much had a funnel taped to my mouth as she poured liquor down my booze hole. And then she starts to ask me questions about my life as The Bitchy Waiter and I verbally vomited all about The Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named. It wasn’t until three hours later that I actually vomited. It was in a restaurant bathroom and I threw up in the toilet after dropping half a hamburger into it that I had previously wrapped in a napkin and put in my pocket. Yeah, that’s true. I also got off the G train at Norstrand Avenue when we were told that someone had fallen into the subway tracks. After a fifteen minute delay on the platform, I took that opportunity to pee into the tracks. I keep it classy, folks. I’d ask for you to not judge me but I know that most of you gave up judging me ages ago. “Why bother? Just not worth the time,” said you. “The guy’s hopeless.”

Well, the podcast went great and if you listen carefully towards the end, you can hear the slurring begin. Mostly I talked about what it was like working at a celebrity chef restaurant but then we ended up talking about my time on Dr. Phil. After that, I honestly don’t remember a lot. The episode is called At Your Service and you can download it for free on iTunes. Click here to find it. You should also follow Katharine on Twitter.

I really hope you will check out the podcast. It was an honor to be a part of it and I know it’s going to get huge some day soon. I think you will enjoy the story. If nothing else, click over to listen to what it sounds like when I am on my way to defiling toilets and subway stations from Brooklyn to Queens.


Tell The Bartender Episode 11: At Your Service

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