The first day of spring was a few weeks ago which means one thing for restaurant workers: it’s patio season! It’s that time of year when dining al fresco is the most important thing a restaurant patron can possibly do with their day. It can mean extra tips for servers but along with those tips comes extra work. Setting up and breaking down a patio can be a miserable experience. How many of us have had to do it more than once during a shift when the rains starts and then stops and then starts again? In order to assist our customers, for it’s all about their needs, I have created a list of rules for dining on the patio.
- Don’t complain about the weather. You wanted to sit outside so if it’s windy or too hot please don’t expect your server do something about it. Most servers do not have Mother Nature or God on speed dial so they are unable to help with the climate. For those of us who do have direct access to them, we’d rather use that connection for our own personal needs like asking Mother Nature to make it rain when it’s our turn to set up the patio or having God give flat tires to people who leave 5% tips.
- Don’t come into the restaurant and then ask the hostess what it’s like on the patio. If it was 98º when you got out of your car and rolled your bucket of Ranch dressing ass up to the host stand, there is a pretty good chance it’s also 98º on the patio. And while we’re at it, don’t ask if it’s going to cool down or if it’s going to stop raining soon. Do we look like Sam Champion or Al Roker? If we could predict the future we would not be waiting tables. We’d be on the 5:00 news prognosticating the weather or in Atlantic City playing craps.
- Please be aware that the floor may be uneven. The patio is not necessarily a smooth even floor that will let your table be perfectly steady. The patio may be made of paver stones, bricks, cement, wood, grass or if you’re in New York City, it will be the Ninth Avenue sidewalk. This could affect the stability of your table. If you need a solid surface for your table to be on, might I suggest sitting inside where an architect made sure that the floors were level as opposed to sitting outside where a restaurant owner threw a card table onto a piece of plywood and called it a patio?
- Don’t freak the fuck out if a bug or a leaf lands in your food. You’re outside and this is one of the inherent risks that you took when deciding to leave the safety of four walls and a roof. No restaurant is going to comp your meal because a leaf fell into your mimosa and no restaurant is going to comp your meal because a lady bug took a nap in your salad. You deal with it. Pretend you’re camping, pick up the offending object and throw it away.
- If you live in New York City, there is no smoking allowed. The patio may be outside, but it’s still a place where people are working and eating and you are not allowed to smoke. If you need that cigarette all you have to do is stand up and walk outside the perimeter of the dining area and light it up. And if you are in a city that allows you to smoke, don’t use your plate as a fucking ashtray.
- Forgive your server for being sweaty. As you sit underneath your patio umbrella sipping frozen daiquiris and iced teas, your server is walking back and forth from table to table under the blaring sun. He might be a Sweaty Betty. He hates having the pit stains even more than you hate looking at them. Ignore them. Don’t tell your server things like, “You sure look like you’re working hard” or “Hot enough for you?” He is working hard and it is hot enough for him. Drink your drink and shut up.
- Have patience. Often times, the patio is as far away from the kitchen as humanly possible. If you ask for more dressing the server is going to have to weave through the patio, go up the three steps to the restaurant, go inside, cross the entire dining room and then enter the kitchen to get that dressing. It will take a couple more minutes than it would if you were sitting inside. Consequently, do your server and yourself a favor by consolidating your requests. Or better yet question yourself this: “Do I really need that extra mayo?”
- Dress appropriately. You may be outside, but you’re still in a public place. Shoes and shirts are required. I know you may want to get some sun, sir, but no one wants to eat their Awesome Blossom while looking at your sagging man titties covered in grey fur resting themselves on your table. It may seem like a good idea to take your feet out of your shoes so they can feel the cool grass but please keep those unpedicured horrors covered up or at least in a flip flop.
- Accept it if the patio is closed. Yes, it may have stopped raining a whole five minutes ago, but that does not mean the patio is open for business. It’s wet and none of the tables are set up. Don’t ask if we can “just go dry one off” for you. We are not going to open the patio until we know it is going to stay open. Nothing is worse than seating a patio and then having a rain storm blow in and suddenly there are fifteen tables of customers who need to move inside all at once. If it’s closed, it’s closed for a reason.
- Make sure you hand payment to the server. Don’t just place a stack of cash on the table and walk away. The same goes for a credit card slip. That cool breeze you were enjoying ten minutes earlier can also be the thing that blows your payment into the parking lot. No server wants to go chasing after a credit card voucher as it whips around tables and trees. Take an extra minute to be sure that the server gets the money.
Hopefully these handy dandy tips will make dining on a patio a better experience for all involved. We servers look forward to having you sit in our sections on the patio but we also would request that you keep these things in mind. One final thought: the patio is not your own personal backyard and there are other people waiting to sit at that table when you are finished eating. Please enjoy your time there. Enjoy the view of the lake or the parking lot or Second Avenue but know that if you stay there too long after you have finished eating, your server may begin to resent you. We make our money by turning tables over and re-seating them. If you’re desperate to sit outside for an unlimited amount of time, take your ass to the park or just get your own contemporary dining table sets in your own house and act however you want. When you’re in the comfort of your own home you can eat whatever you want, take as long as you want and act however you want.
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Ivy Baker
This is some really good information about dining out on the patio. I liked that you pointed out that it wouldn’t be wise to leave the cash on the table if you are eating outside. That does seem smart so many things could happen to a tip left outside.
Lucy
Servers run in my family. 3 generations. Fine dining down to truck stops. We all have hilarious unbelievable customer stories. Guess what….we accually liked our jobs. No one is in the business anymore–completed degrees,kids and age. My son worked at a steak house and a customer grabbed his hand and put it on his steak to prove his steak was cold…..it was a little chilly on the patio. My mom (passed away in 2002 at 82) worked at the most exclusive restaurant in the city. She told a story once about spilling a martini on a women’s mink coat. The customer was kind and gracious and my moms apologetic sencerity and personality handled the issue without a problem. Frankly I see that the real server issues lie with the attitude of the BITCHY customers.
John
In my experience the patio results in lower tip averages on lots more work. Volume my win in the end but these 50 year old bones will take the inside section. Kids, enjoy your day in the sun.
David Cowling
The first rule of the patio is, don’t eat on the patio. The 2nd rule is, don’t eat on the patio.
Just A Poor Server
Ah yes, Patio. I do enjoy working on the Patio, especially if it’s a nice day outside. Sadly, as mentioned in the list, the nice day cannot always guarantee nice guests. I’ve had guests ask to be moved inside because bees were going around them. I am more than happy to do so, but you did ask to sit outside, naturally, where bees are. I’ve had guests complain about the heat. We have fans but they don’t do much. And I’ve had guests actually insult me because I was sweating on a really hot day. I believe their exact words were “We’d like a new server, one who isn’t sweaty.” Like…for real? ANY server will sweat when they are spending hours outside.
I do have one thing to add to the list. Make sure to watch out for walk outs. Being outside means close proximity to the outside and, thus, a possibility that they will skip out on their bill if they think they can get away with it. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened often to me, but I have had it a few times. We work in a mall so security was able to grab them (idiots actually went in a different entrance in the mall).
Also to those who keep coming to this site and posting comments about us “whiny waiters”, grow up! Is your job so perfect you don’t complain about it? Don’t you vent about bad days? It doesn’t matter what our jobs are, we are allowed to vent if we are having a bad day, or as the list shows, if annoying trends keep happening. I’d love to work somewhere else, but I am not about to turn down a job where I make a good amount of money unless it’s a good salary job in a place I want to work. And I guarantee that I’ll vent about that job too, no matter how much I like it.
It’s not like we are being bitchy to our guests faces (at least not all the time). Most of us have the common decency to wait until we are in the back before we lay waste to our tables. Or we go on a site, anonymously, and vent.
So again, get over yourselves. You come on a site called The Bitchy Waiter, EXPECT TO SEE BITCHY
Lisa
Had a guest on the patio one very hot day look up at our outdoor heaters and ask me ” could you turn the heaters off”? Like we would actually have them turned on! I replied “only God can turn that heater off…it’s the Sun”.
Tom Davis
This article is perfect! I had a lady insist on sitting in my station, outside on the downstairs patio! She’d just gotten her water and chips and salsa and she starts WAVING HER ARMS frantically while I’m at another table. Oh, please. So, when I go over she complains that some leaves just fell off the tree onto her table and that a bird flew dangerously close to her head. WTF? The manager and I explained as nicely as possible that it is OUTDOORS and we have no control over nature. She was sitting next to TWO STORY WINDOWS that enclosed the North Dining room (which was at that time closed). We offered to allow her to move inside so that she could enjoy the nice setting and the day without the hazards of al fresco dining. And she said, “But I wanted to sit outside!!” I’m not really sure what people think we should do in these situations. I really don’t.
Thanks for the great article!!
Jay
So, I’m usually with you, but I have to say, lately it seems like you are becoming the reason most people think waiters are whiny little bitches. You make some good points, but here are the ones I had an issue with:
2: Don’t come into the restaurant and then ask the hostess what it’s like on the patio.
Ok, common sense, I guess. But the waitress works there, so she’s going to know if people have, for example, requested to be sat inside because it’s too hot. Sometimes it feels nice outside, but I wouldn’t want to sit out with the sun beating down for long. Sure, it’s common sense to check, I’ll give you that, but let’s not forget what hospitality is. If you’re getting your panties in a wad over a simple question like this, you might want to look for another industry to work in.
3: Please be aware that the floor may be uneven.
Any of us who have worked in the server world know that there are generally screws on the bottom of each leg of the table that allow it to be adjusted regardless of how uneven the surface may be. If your patio is so uneven that you can’t balance a table on it, you’ve got a hazard that’s going to eventually turn into a lawsuit or insurance claim. Don’t be so damn lazy, balancing the tables is part of your job as a server, and if it’s not, it should be. There’s no reason I should have to deal the entire time with the possibility of placing my elbow on the table and covering everyone with drinks.
6: Attitude problem, much? Generally when people say stuff like that, they’re trying to sympathize, and you can generally tell the people who are mocking you, which doesn’t happen much. Once again, hospitality.
7: Should I really have to consider my server’s inconvenience when I would like extra mayo? Should your section’s proximity to the kitchen cause me not to ask for more mayo when I am sitting at a table at your restaurant? Sure, it’s a bitch to wait the patio, especially when you have a split section and there’s only one table out there, but get over it, it’s part of the job to give your patrons the best service you can, regardless of where they are sitting.
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I can’t stand idiotic patio diners, picnickers, liars, and furniture movers. I work at an extremely touristy establishment on Pier 39 in San Francisco. On nice days naturally the patio gets crowded. We also have a firepit which draws people like moths to light…there’s something about a firepit that screams “perfect photo back drop, we must have you take our picture!” The pigeons are rampant, and maybe it’s because people ignore the signs and feed them fried foodhandouts, but I believe they’re diabetic with serious neuropathy (the birds). We even have a void:bird button option. Back to my point, people see others dining and want to participate in what’s clearly the happening place…sit at dirty tables, ignore all signage which is visible from the upper stratosphere to go to the front and see the hostess for a table, and ask me if the weather is always like this. I’m from Los Angeles and all I know is San Fran is a dress in layers kinda place. I know any tourism pamphlet and info guide will say the same. If by always, you want me to tell you the weather of the Paleozoic, Google that bitch on the smart phone you’re taking selfies with while getting butt-hurt that I wont charge your device and don’t know the password for you’re free wi-fi and reason to camp out at my table. Speaking of camping, please don’t feel free to rearrange the outdoor seating and tables like you’re making an impenetrable fort because I cannot possibly weave my way through stroller skid row to drop off your food. At least I know the food is from my restaurant. Do you think it would be cool if I just took the liberty to pack a lunch and come drop my ass in your yard, ask you to take a picture of me, and then ask to use your restroom? Doubt it, but maybe you’re better than me…or maybe not. If you are chilly and just want to take a picture and warm up at the firepit, that’s fine. I don’t want to waste my time getting menues, silverware, napkins, and a table caddy for you while drinking your round of waters because you’re not ready yet….just to find out you’re just using the restroom in shifts with absolutely no intention of dining with us. Just be honest. Oh, and if you do decide to eat here, and require the full server package (pictures, birthday, suggestions where to go, sight seeing directions, in a hurry for the ferry to alcatraz or another tour, MUNI routes, cable car times in addition to waiting on your and various other tables) please for the love of all that is holy, don’t tip with kindness.
Mitchie
I think I love you @onthefly
Allie
I had a lady a couple of days ago want to sit outside because she had her dog with her. I got her order, rang it in, and as her first course was being delivered, I saw the server go outside to deliver it and the two of them return inside, with all the table accoutrements. I asked my coworker what was up and the answer was, “I guess there was some dog poop.” Um, DUH.. it is a city sidewalk. Also, there was no poop within several feet of the table, because I definitely would have noticed that, trust me!
Ashley
Another few things to remember/consider, Bill G:
Gee, I’ll bet you NEVER complain about the inconsiderate things forced upon you by whomever pays your salary!…give me a break. Because someone has a large hand in paying your bills does not, EVER, in any industry or under any circumstance, give them a right to walk all over nor mistreat you. Common sense and common courtesy are common sense and common courtesy, any way you slice it.
Perhaps you should consider the aforementioned points more carefully before posting another comment like your last one, here or elsewhere.
The bitchy people everywhere thank you in advance!
Erocka
Amen, Ashley!!
Bill G
Gee, I never complain about stuff when sitting inside or out. But one thing to remember little waitress is that the people on the patio pay your salary.
Not saying that gives customers the right to be jerks but if you loathe the service industry so much that you have to make a list like this then get the hell out and do something else with your life.
I’m sure the bitchy customers on the patio will not mind one bit.
The Bitchy Waiter
Two things to remember, Little Customer:
1. If you come to a blog called The Bitchy Waiter, there is probably going to be some complaining on it.
2. I’m a guy.
Deb
Never ceases to amaze me how many ppl don’t know the difference between waiter and waitress. Duh
Scott
Hi Bill. You’re obviously a very self-important tool. If you look at the list for more than 5 seconds you’ll see that it’s pretty much common sense. The reason Bitchy is writing an ANONYMOUS FREAKING BLOG is as a direct consideration to the whole “customers paying his salary” thing.
Bill, not to be a jerk, but please do humanity the favor of not reproducing. I’m honestly surprised you were smart enough to leave a comment here.
All the best,
SC
Shrieking Violet
Oh god. I knew there was gonna be one. “If you hate your job so much that you complain about it..blaaahhh blaaaahhhhhh”
Youre so happy. You never complain. Your life is AHHHHMAAAAZZING!
Shut. Up. Stop trolling. AND please, do us all a favor and dont go out to eat.
art
My favorite:”are your washrooms inside the restaurant?”………
maxi
Hahahahahahaa!
Serenity
Ah yes, I am asked at least once a day if it’s nice enough to sit outside by someone who just walked in the door from OUTSIDE. I can’t even try and keep the “you’re an idiot” look off my face. And I have been known on more than one occasion t answer with ” I don’t know, I’ve been inside all day, you tell me, you were just out there”, of course, with a little smile and laugh so they can’t actually accuse me of being rude, but they know damn well I just dissed them. Sorry, ask a stupid question….
Denise in WI
True story: As one night turned a little chilly after the sun when down, I had a couple on the patio ask me for blankets! I told them (with humor) that we were a restaurant, not a bed & breakfast. 🙂 Also: Although the tables may be outside, they are still part of the restaurant, so don’t think you can bring over your sack lunch from home (or from another restaurant) and take up a table like it’s a public park bench.
Ilya S. in Cleveland
Here in Cleveland we have only 2 seasons…Precipitation & Construction, so #1 and #2 ring very true up here. If you dashed into the restaurant faster than Usain Bolt because you didn’t want a precious hair on your head to get drizzled on, then I don’t want to hear this conversation…”what do you think honey, maybe they can move the umbrellas around so it’s covering our table?”…NO, maybe you can sit inside or go eat in your car. Likewise if it’s 40 degrees outside and you’re newborn is blaring like a banshee because you were the only guests who wanted to “have a table set up outside”….he’s probably a tad bit chilly mom and dad, But maybe those three letters “SEP” on your smartphone calendar could have hinted at that.
Both true stories…thanks for the vent!
Bara
Lot of restaurants and cafes with patios actually have blankets, so they weren’t being so unreasonable.
Alice
Really? I’ve never heard of a restaurant that provides blankets!
Ginny
Never in my life, have I ever been to a restaurant that provided blankets. You have got to be being sarcastic.
tehschmoop
I… I’ve found my table waiting preceptor. Puh-REACH, brother! Love your style.
tehschmoop
Snarkula
Oh bitchy, you are such a healer. I cried laughing at this.
anne marie in philly
#13 – DO NOT speak so damn loud on your cellphone that you drown out everyone else’s private conversations. no, I don’t give a fat rat’s ass who you boinked last night, or the status of your current business transaction, or your bratley’s latest accomplishment. STFU and eat!
maxi
Yes yes yes yes yes! We had a patio that was out front of the restaurant I was working at. People used to just sit their asses down without coming inside first. Then they bitched about how long they were waiting to be served! I mean, yes, I did see them sit down (on the dirtiest table, natch) but hey if they aren’t gonna have the decency to behave like a normal patron and come in to the host point then I’m not sure I have the decency to behave like a normal waitress…. 😛
Jenn
I am our restaurant’s official “Patio Bitch”. For over 3 years now (in the South of the US so we are open practically year round). I hate my job. But then I do my cash out. That is why I am still the Patio Bitch.
MiaSarra
Your last sentence, perfect and priceless!
Elliott
Everyone I know loves to eat outdoors when they can. I do not understand anyone getting so prissy about a bug, or a breeze, or a little bird doip either. If you are fortunate enough to get a good table on the patio of your favorite trendy bistro, you are REQUIRED to behave like one of the beautiful people. You are not allowed to kvetch like Heidi Abromowitz under any circumstances. Now go forth, hold that bellini high towards the sunny blue sky, toast the gods of good fortune, and smile your best. Today, you are one of the chosen ones. Act like it.
Andrea R
I completely understand your point but in response to the previous commenter, if a bird poops on the table the waiter shouldn’t dry wipe it, call it good, and set a fork right on the table. The table needs to be cleaned with disinfectant. I love dining outside though on a warm sunny day, I think I’ll do it this weekend. Time to get out a sundress, sandals and shades.
Dennis
I love this.
As you know, I feel very strongly about this topic myself…
http://thebitchywaiter.blogspot.com/2012/07/go-outside-guestblogger.html
The Bitchy Waiter
ha!
DMT
# 11 Our patio is not a public rest area, now get up off your hole and bring your Starbucks elsewhere.
#12 In case you haven’t noticed, our tables are not litter bins, don’t leave your rubbish on them bring bring it to a bin or bring it home. If it wasn’t for filth bags like you we wouldn’t have a litter problem in the first place.
Mark W
I was sitting inside a restaurant yesterday, next to a window, looking out into a courtyard patio. A very tiny courtyard in the center of a block of buildings in downtown Fort Worth. The place had only opened a few minutes earlier, and a server was outside setting tables. I watched as the biggest, ugliest black bird I’ve ever seen landed on top of a roll of paper towels (it was a BBQ place) and proceeded to shit directly on the table. It was a huge pile of wet bird mess. When the server approached the table, the bird flew away. The server then looked around, picked up the roll of paper towels, took a handful, wiped the shit off the table with the paper towels, then laid the silverware down on the table.
After seeing that, I don’t think I’ll ever eat outside again.