I’m Freakin’ Sophisticated

Last night I decided to class my ass up a bit and went to a wine and cheese bar. After getting over the initial shock that a wine and cheese bar sells only wine and cheese, I went with a very delicious sounding glass of Pinot Grigio that had notes of light citrus and delicate floral aromas that were complemented by hints of tropical fruit flavors. It was also the cheapest. I sat in a leather wing back chair with my smoking jacket on enjoying the company of good friends and listening to the jazz music that played softly over head. The candles cast a pale warm glow across the room and the Christmas tree in the corner made the place feel like a second kind of home. The smell of cured meets and savory crackers filled my nose and the clinking of wine glasses was oh so comfortable. Then another sound erupted that was incongruous with the atmosphere. The sound was that of a little girl who was screaming with wonder at the Christmas tree that only moments ago had seemed so comforting. “What the hell is a little girl doing in a bar?” I hissed to a friend. I spun my head around to see where the parent of this wayward tot was and I saw her sitting at a table holding another child. Now there were two things ruining my night; a little girl and a little boy. No, this was not happening. I went to this wine bar to be sophisticated and shit, not irritated and shit. The little girl started running towards our end of the room. I quickly shot a look that I thought would effectively create an invisible wall around my friends, but this little girl crashed through my barrier and sat on the step next to us. Of course she screamed as she ran. The mother got up and rushed over to the brat. I eagerly anticipated seeing a swat on the butt or a slap on the wrist to teach this kid a lesson. But no. The mother simply said, “No, no we don’t want to bother these other people, sweetie.” Newsflash, Mom: too late. I’m bothered. The mother then took the little girl by both hands and spun her around while the little girl laughed. And screamed. Then the little boy wanted a turn. What the fuck is wrong with people? Do they not see I am trying to be all mature and cultured? I’m sittin‘ in a freakin‘ wine bar for cryin‘ out loud. Jesus H. Christ.

The parents let the kids play as they finished their glasses of wine. Meanwhile, I had blood dripping out of my ears from listening to the kids scream with laughter at whatever the fuck makes a four year old scream with laughter. More than once I saw mom get up and join in on the fun making the kids even louder. It was simply not possible for me to give them an eye that was any stinkier than the one I was giving them. After about 15 minutes, I noticed that they asked for the check. Either, it was the kids bedtime or the parents finally realized that their darling children were annoying the fuck out of everyone else in the bar. After they left, I readjusted my face from the scowl and let my eyes resolve back to their natural state of bleary and bloodshot. Finally, I could get all sophisticated. I pulled out my pipe and put my feet up on the ottoman ready to enjoy my night of being civilized. I retied my ascot and ordered my second glass of wine, but this time I didn’t get the cheapest one. I got the second cheapest one. ‘Cause I’m sophisticated and shit.

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36 thoughts on “I’m Freakin’ Sophisticated

  1. Anonymous

    "it was a joke and i'm sure he gets it."Oh. HAHAHAHAHA! Since childfree people have never had stupid breeders wish children on them before, your new and unique sense of humor was so funny I forgot to laugh. My bad!"reposted in anonymously"Either way is anonymous.

  2. FG

    There are grown up places and there are kid places and the two should never, ever cross. But we knew we were in major trouble when Las Vegas became all "famblee friendly" some years ago. It's been downhill from there! And now you're not even allowed to act annoyed or upset when some parent isn't tending to their child properly. Like it's OUR fault they're clueless about how to rear and actual human being so they'll, like, actually act human.

  3. ~~~})!({

    Isn't the point of a Wine Bar to RELAX as well as be sophisticated and shit. While stupid morons may enjoy seeing their children have loads of fun, surely its not relaxing for them either. WTF?!

  4. leia

    you're much more classy than i am. i woulda walked up to the lady and said your children are ruining my dining experience. keep them quiet. stinky eye and exit.***ladyvader99.blogspot.com

  5. Anonymous

    It's not just bars. It's in theatres, churches, stores. It's everywhere. I once asked a parent to calm their child and they looked at me in a pitying way and said, "WE think there's much to learn from children and their natural exploration of life." I replied, "WE think you are full of shit and to cheap to pay for a babysitter."

  6. Mark W

    Oh, to be as young again as you are now, Bitchy. I'm at the point in life where I just don't give a fuck what people think, and if someone's brats are ruining my evening out in a public place, I simply say "Excuse me, would you mind controlling him/her, please? I'm not paying all this money to listen to that screaming, I'm here to enjoy myself." If they give me lip, I just tell them "I said what I had to say, and everyone here agrees with me. Whether you act on it or not is your decision. Unfortunately, it seems not all parents were raised to be good ones…"And yes, I have done that, and would gladly do it again. I raised my kids, I don't need to be raising someone else's…in a bar.

  7. Samantha

    I love my kids. I truly do. However, a bar is not a place to bring anyone under 21 into.Mommy and daddy need some alone time every once in a while, and you bet your bitchy ass we will be getting smuckered and enjoying ourselves without a care in the world.Honestly, an aptitude test should be administered before people procreate.

  8. Kristine

    I swear to Dog the next time I see a kid in a bar, my man and I are going to start making out, French style…Or maybe I'll walk up to the Duhd and say, "[Name]! So nice to see you again! You got married and had kids! See, I told you you would, instead of boffing everything in sight along the French Riviera! Are you still partial to mixing whiskeys, or have you settled down that much?"I'm sure they would appreciate it!

  9. Practical Parsimony

    It is illegal to have children in a place that serves alcohol in many places. My pet peeve–parents who think we are all amused when they can get their children shrieking by playing with them. Sorry, parents! You are not a playmate. Parent away from home in certain settings. Be a playmate when others don't have to listen to your children shriek/laugh/giggle. At home? I am a 64 yr old grandmother. My son puts up with nothing from his two. My daughter allows her daughter to cry until she gets her way. She is going to be a lovely, hellacious teen! Oh, I put up with nothing from my own children when they were small. And, I am not saying that I did not have the desire to kill them in public. Everyone said my children were well-behaved even when I wanted to murder them. Talk about stink-eye–they knew it when they saw it. If I snapped my fingers, they came to attention, shut up, stopped running, touching. Yeah, I hi them and said no. Then, I snapped my fingers and said no.After awhile, I only had to snap my fingers to control three children. I could smile and talk to others and snap my fingers to get mine to mind. I am such a mean mama.I wanted my children to be accepted and liked without their making the rules!!!! BW, you would have liked my children because they would never have been in an inappropriate place! Or, misbehaving.Children fighting/shrieking/whatever in public is not cute or funny or acceptable. Sorry they ruined your evening.

  10. Kate

    Bitchy. I agree. Kids and bars don't mix. Hopefully the second cheapest wine was delicious – although I agree with Wendy… order the more expensive stuff when you're starting out and you'll remember the experience!I linked this over at Kate's Library in my Friday Five this week.Enjoy the weekend!

  11. SharleneT

    It's the sense of entitlement — they think they have a right to anything and everything they want and couldn't care less about other people's rights. You can't win because they really can't hear you. Don't know what the law is, today, but it used to be that small children weren't allowed in places that sold liquor…

  12. Anonymous

    OMG!!!! This is my biggest pet peave! As a server, I get sooo tired of parents that don't know how to parent. If you can't get a sitter, than take the food to go!! Why must you ruin everyone's else's experience, so selfish. It is not the fault of the kids, they are being kids. It is the parent's fault for being rude and to top it off, they should not be out drinking in a bar with kids, go home and do it!!

  13. Bouncin' Barb

    Oh dear god wtf is wrong with people? 2 weeks ago an older couple found a 4 year old toddler on the side of the road in his pj's at 10 pm. They swerved to avoid hitting him and then got him safely off the road. After bringing him to his home they discovered no one there except for a 6 month or so old infant sleeping in a crib. Apparently Mommy went to the bar and even confessed she'd been there at least 2 hours. I have to start re-thinking the whole sterilization thing unless you can prove you can 1) afford them and 2) take care of them. Good lord. If I were you I would have complained that they even let children that young in a bar. No matter how classy.

  14. Tricia

    There is a time and a place for children. That time is NEVER and that place is Chuck-E-Cheese. But a wine bar? Is crossing the line. What's next? Screaming brats throwing tantrums when I'm trying to buy a new vibe at Sex World?FML.

  15. bamazalea

    love my kids, love my waiter ~ it was a joke and i'm sure he gets it. Don't understand why you posted under your name and then deleted it and reposted in anonymously – you shouldn't be afraid to post your feelings just like I'm not afraid to have fun 🙂 and btw….can't stand for kids to be in a bar/lounge etc.. myself. I always feel ashamed but not sure why? lol

  16. Alexa O

    That's pretty bad. Kids in movie theaters makes me mad, too. Though I must admit, iPhones in movie theaters make me madder.Why would anyone pay $10 to see a movie and then sit on their stupid phone through the entire thing?

  17. Noelle

    Nope kids don't belong there I would never take my two boys there. they would probably act ok. They are 6 and 9 they know how to go out. But the cheese and crackers would not amuse them long enough for me to enjoy my wine. It's not anymore appropriate than a strip club or a drag show. They would enjoy both. 🙂

  18. libertine

    I will never understand parents who deem it appropriate to bring their offspring into bars. If you want a night out, hire a babysitter; don't impose your children on everyone else around you.

  19. Wendy

    Sorry Bitchy, but you have it backwards…Your FIRST glass should be the second-cheapest (or as expensive as you wanna get), and then after that you go for the cheapest you can stand. Your tastebuds won't notice the difference… much.(Or in the case of my husband and me, replace "glass" with "bottle". If you know you're gonna get more than one glass each, you're financially better off to just get the bottle.)We go to a wine bar, and i almost choke whenever people bring their little kids in! Have these parents NO SHAME?! Can't they afford a bottle AND a babysitter?! What IS this world coming to?!?!=-)

  20. Anonymous

    People like that should be shot. Around here, they have signs saying that children aren't permitted in certain restaurants. Sounds like this place needed said signage.


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