For Amos (A.K.A. I Hate Kids)

While having one of the best meals of my entire vacation, I was visually assaulted by the horrific sight of a booth that was crammed with unruly children. The picture that you see is an actual photo of these awful beasts. I was going to draw one of those black lines across their eyes to protect their identity, but I couldn’t figure out how to get Photo Shop to work and I decided that I didn’t fucking care anyway. This family deserves to be seen so that waiters across the land can steer clear of these people if they ever venture into their section.

I was in a great restaurant in San Francisco enjoying good food, good cocktails and better company when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a little girl wandering around the restaurant with a napkin on her head. She thought she was playing Princess Fiona or some shit by prancing around but really she was just in the mother fucking way. The server who was tolerating this table was also my server and his name was Amos. I promised him that I would write about these brats and I truly hope he sees it. (Amos, if you read this, give me a sign.) These three little girls were all over the place. The mother had her head resting in her hands as if she had given up on the whole “living a happy life” thing and the father was just as removed. He looked like he had mentally checked out of the situation right after he realized that he had three daughters and estrogen would be ruling his household for the rest of his life. The three girls were loud and irritating to everyone around them. My favorite part of their performance was when they each decided that chopsticks would be fun to use as musical instruments and serenaded the whole restaurant with a rousing rendition of every one’s favorite song, “We Want to Ruin Your Meal.”

Amos came up to the table to gauge our cocktail situation. “Is everything alright here?” he said.
As I slurped down the last of my first drink, I slurred to him, “We are good, but how are you? How’s that table over there treatin‘ ya?” Being the professional that he was, he answered with a smile. “Oh, they’re fine. No worries.” I looked at Amos with a deep look of understanding and said, “I’m a waiter. You can tell me the truth.” Amos sighed and said through gritted teeth and forced grin, “They’re a pleasure.” But he said the word “pleasure” as if it meant that he was getting a homemade tattoo with a needle, a candle and a ballpoint pen. I felt for Amos, I really did. It seemed so unfair that I was on vacation and not having to deal with little twats like them while he was slaving away at work. But then I remembered that I didn’t really know Amos and asked him to brink me cocktail number two.

As soon as the table of terror left, there was a collective sigh amongst the section because finally we could all enjoy our meal without the screeching of misbehaved children and the deafening silence of their inattentive parents. I looked over at the booth and saw the requisite pile of food and napkins thrown on the floor and watched Amos as he got down on his hands and knees to clean it up. Again, I felt a little guilty that I was away from the world of service while others carried on in my place. And then I ordered cocktail number three. Amos, you rock,

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32 thoughts on “For Amos (A.K.A. I Hate Kids)

  1. GORE

    ” I was going to draw one of those black lines across their eyes to protect their identity”

    No need. they look the same as every other UGLY TRAILER TRASH WHORE-SPAWN.

    Reply
  2. Amos J

    Amos here. Thanks for a great read! I hope and pray that the voices of the little ones flee your mind when the night comes and sleep engulfs you. Hehe.. Good stuff. Hope all is well and cheers to your future words….

    Reply
  3. Niharika

    When I was a kid, I knew that if my brother and I so much as talked above the "indoor voice" in a restaurant, we would get a long lecture at home. Parents, don't let your kids control you.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    i am sure you were all fucking perfect angels when you were kids, and all your kids would be angels too. Seems like a lot of you have sticks in your asses. Even families have a right to eat out sometimes. What whiny bitches some of you are! Big deal. Who is the baby here?

    Reply
    1. invisible23

      If they can’t control their children, they shouldn’t be in public. I acted up in public like that when I was little. I only did it a couple of times though, because as soon as I started screaming or making a huge mess or running around in a restaurant, my mom would pay the bill and take my ass home immediately. Even if we hadn’t even gotten our food yet. Kids don’t always know better. That’s why it’s up to the parents to teach them how to not act like fucking animals in public.

      Reply
  5. Keda

    am i the only mother in the world that cleans up after her child (mines only 18 months so the damage is still accidental), teaches her manners and… well I am loud so my child is too. can't change that. i am not a hypocrite. i know those kids though. not all are like that, but the ones that are spoil it for everyone.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    ‎"may the laughter of children gladden our hearts. May the faith of children soothe our souls. May the love of children prompt our deeds. Children are an heritage of the Lord"

    Reply
  7. Anonymous

    When I was wee my parents and my aunts and uncles used to bring us kids out for big family meals every weekend…and had the decency to book a private area (blocked off, usually with a few walls and a door). Novel idea – no one wants to see your brats running around the restaurant screeching like banshees, and my dad's been known to "have a word with" the occasional incompetent parent whose "little darling" was ruining his "dining experience".Besides, me and my cousins were smart enough to know how much shit we'd get into if we even THOUGHT about acting like that. Hmmm…perhaps there should be some law – if you can't control the one kid, you shouldn't be allowed to procreate again.

    Reply
  8. Star1964

    My mother told all three of us that if we acted up at a restaurant, we'd spend the rest of the meal in the car. I have a 9 year old now and I have sat in the car when he was under three. He is now a perfect gentleman and since I waited tables, he is polite and kind to wait staff. It is our job as parents to teach our children to respect people who work for a living. Serving is no pleasure palace but it pays the bills.

    Reply
  9. The Ranters Box

    What a bunch of little shits those girls were. They were clearly running the show and not their negligent parents. Kids like that should be kept on leashes/in cages until such time that they learn to behave appropriatley in public!

    Reply
  10. Ange

    Let me start by saying I have three boys, ages 7, 8 and 9. We go out for dinner at least once a week, if not more. My husband and I would NEVER let our children act like that anywhere, and I get so pissed when parents allow it. My husband gets rather upset as well. At the last place we went he even threatened to punch someones kid in his face if he didn't "shut the fuck up." The parent thought my husbands comment was uncalled for, and voiced their displeasure. Needless to say, we are not welcome there for a period of one year after the "fight" that broke out, but at least it was not because my children do not know how to behave.

    Reply
  11. A

    everyone keeps saying that patrons with rowdy children should be asked to leave which while may be true will sadly not ever happen. parents just get too up-in-arms over the thought of little susie not being able to go to the restaurant with themthere was this news story once about a restaurant (i think somewhere up in Jersey) that started posting signs about unruly children and their parents will be asked to leave–parents were upset (though some weren't) and blah blah–i do wonder sometimes what happened to that restaurant…

    Reply
  12. Alexa O

    The best is when two or more families go out together and stuff all the kids in one booth and all the adults in a different one. As far as I'm concerned, a rule against this should be as common as automatic gratuity on large parties.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous

    My kid misbehaved once at a restaurant and never did it again. Whispering in his ear, the waiters can kill you with a sharp knife if you upset them or anyone else in the restaurant, worked great. I am also happy to do the evil stare to any young child who is misbehaving, it often works. I was never a waitress, I just expect to be able to eat a meal, that I am paying for, in peace and quiet…

    Reply
  14. California Girl

    Having read the post and the first three comments, I agree with the three, all of whom wonder why someone didn't say something?As a guest of the restaurant and a waiter yourself, you were in the luxurious position of being able to ask the parents to control their kids and stop ruining your dinner. I have no problem doing this with anyone who is inconsiderate in public. Of course, I sometimes get the "fuck you" reaction but if I've asked nicely, I don't care. I then have the option of saying "fuck you" back or turning to the rest of the crowd, holding out my arms and saying "Now I ask you, really, do you enjoy this type of behaviour?"

    Reply
  15. Shelly Picarella

    I have to say, this is all too common. If you have the right to say "no smoking" then you should have the right to say, "watch your kids- or leave" I have three kids, myself, and on the rare chance I do take them all out at once (not because they are assy, simply because if I pay for a good meal, I prefer it to be just the hubby and I instead of acting like mama Nazi to make sure they don't get loud, act out, or ruin anyone elses meal) but if I do take them out, they behave fully, or we leave; one of us takes the kids to the car- the other pays and boxes the food. When we do leave after a meal, the floor and table are already cleaned for the most part- I leave nothing on the floor- and all plates are scraped and stacked.And if by some chance there is something on the floor that I couldnt get due to lack of a broom, it is handling in the tip. Maybe its from my past as a waitress- or just simply being embarassed by others that give "families in public" a bad name….

    Reply
  16. Anonymous

    well, how come nobody told the imbeciles that they are interfering with other peoples dining experience? If someone is drunk and disorderly, we usually ask tem to leave. same goes with others causing disturbance to other guest, kids or no kids. Farting at table, singing loud national songs in fine dining situations, fighting with staff or anyone, reaching over te bar or on to waitress behind, howling dogs, mooing cows, dancing drunk women, screaming babies – aren't these all situations equal in terms that they ruin the ambience and make other people hate the fact they chose to dine in your restaurant? T

    Reply

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