Snooki Makes Way More Money Than We Do

It seemed like I had a lot of money when I looked at the pile of bills on my dresser. Everyday, my tips get put into a little stack, minus the 3% that goes into an envelope for my retirement. Upon closer inspection, it turned out that the majority of the bills had George Washington on them and not Andrew Jackson. Sixty dollars looks like a lot of money when its all singles you know. Money is a fickle friend. Most of us never have enough and all of us always want more. So maybe this career choice is not the best. Then again, if I had my druthers I’d be the rich successful actor who has money to burn. How much money? Well, I came across an article on line that tells us exactly how much money our favorite (and not so favorite) actors make each week and it made me want to punch a Snooki in the face. That bitch makes $30,000 per episode for doing The Jersey Shore. How in the hell does she get paid that much each week to get drunk, pass out, and make a fool out of herself? I have been doing that for free for years. I want my back pay immediately. Has she ever had to wait tables? She may look and smell like a piece of bacon but has she ever served it? The list was depressing as hell:

Oprah Winfrey $315 million per year- we get it, Oprah. You’re rich. That bitch makes $600 a minute. That’s ten dollars a second. In the time it took me to figure out how to do that math equation, she made $9000. (Yes, it took me 15 minutes to compute that, don’t judge me.)
Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men $1.25 million per episode- What the hell? Isn’t he in jail right now? Or drunk or high? Snooky, is that you?
Christopher Meloni & Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU $395,000 (each) per episode- okay, I worked Law and Order once and I am pretty sure I didn’t make that much. My scene was with them and I assumed we were all getting the same pay. If you take off the three zeros and then divide by two, that was closer to my fee. Dammit, I was bamboozled by my agent.
Julie Kavner, The Simpsons $400,000- so she doesn’t even have to get dressed or comb her fucking hair to go to work because she sits in a recording studio. If I were her, I would be trying to figure out a way to phone that shit in. After 20+ years of the same job she’s probably phoning it in anyway so she may as well do it from an actual telephone.
Jon Hamm, Mad Men $100,000 per episode- Actually, I’m okay with this one. He rocks.
Scott Caan, Hawaii Five-0 $80,000 per episode- how does this happen? I have never even heard of this guy and the show hasn’t even started yet. And lemme guess, he gets to live in Hawaii while he’s “working.”
Rico Rodriguez, Modern Family $15,000 per episode- I think this is the little kid from that show. He is about 11. Yeah, that’s fair.

The biggest shock to my system though? It was when I read that Kate fucking Gosselin makes $250,000 per episode for her dumb ass reality show about her kids. No wonder she doesn’t want to give up the spotlight despite severely damaging the psyches of her litter. She’s making shitloads of cash. And we all know that if she wasn’t doing a television show she would be serving the rooty tooty fresh and fruity at the IHOP. Man, I wish I had a uterus. Then I could take advantage of my child bearing years, squeeze out a few all for the sake of reality television. And my bank account. And I could retire my apron forever.

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10 thoughts on “Snooki Makes Way More Money Than We Do

  1. Anonymous

    most of the people you listed actually have talent. charlie cheen may be a drunk but he's a great actor and works hard. same with the guy from law & order. and just because that woman from the simpsons doesn't have to do her hair and make up doesn't mean she's not working hard. you try entertaining millions worldwide on a yearly basis. kate and snooki are reality tv stars so i get why you're upset about them. but they're entertaining. just because you get drunk and act stupid doesn't mean people will automatically be interested in you. i'm sick and tired of people bitching about other people's wealth, get the fuck over it.

  2. laura jane

    *screams! 30, 000 per episode I will be the second to punch haha. I just came back from holidays and it was relaxing!!! I'm sure glad I didn't see this article about the "wasted snooki" making 30 grand each show lmao! Didn't have starchoice. yep it was peace n effin quiet well Toast the saturday's special drink 'tink

  3. The Chick in the Chair Perspective

    I have occasionally watched the stupid Kate show. She bitches about the paparazzi, but without them who would she be. Some reality shows are ok, but seriously some of these people get paid WAY too much $$$. Best of luck kicking the waiter habit and getting your own reality show!!!

  4. Donda

    "The Situation" earns 400k for endorsing vodka. Are you effin' kidding me? I endorse vodka EVERY weekend…where's my dough??? I think I am going to get me a spray tan or somethin'!

  5. The Ranter's Box

    Well, when it you put it like that, it puts everything into perspective. Now I am sad too …but not sad enough to stop hating that nasty bitch Kate!-The Empress

  6. lolamouse

    Maybe Snooki is really a Rhodes Scholar, classically trained actress who's just SO GOOD at her craft that she has everyone believing she's a dumb slut with a mouth like a sewer (pronounced soo-ah). Nah…And if there's any justice in the world, Kate Gosselin's kids will one day bludgeon her to death and then sit and smile in front of a videocamera and discuss it afterward.

  7. Xylina Myia

    OMG Seriously she gets paid 30,000 each episode and you figure thats about 10 -12 episodes so she makes 360,000 for about 3 months of work.. WTF! I need a new career choice and fast!

  8. Tricia

    This information makes me want to cry. And then birth 12 babies while dancing naked on the bar – and hope someone brings ME a fat-ass check.


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