My Child, My Pet

Riding on the lovely 7 train yesterday, I spotted one of those mothers who thinks it’s a good idea to attach their child to a leash. However, the leash was made to look like a a monkey so as not to seem so I-have-my-kid-on-a-leash-ish. So the monkey part looked like it was hugging the kid and then the tail was what the mom was holding on to. But, still. Your kid on a leash? As she got onto the train, she dragged her baby behind her. It just seemed wrong. Call me old fashioned but can’t you just keep your eyes on your child instead of a rope? But then I started thinking about how handy those leashes would be in a restaurant. Every person who asks for a child’s menu would also get a leash that they would be required to attach to the kid so that it is forced to stay at his table. Kiddos, don’t be getting all in my fucking way when I’m trying to carry a tray of food. Put that leash on! And in the restaurant, the leashes should not be all cute adorable ones that look harmless and fun. I want real actual leashes. From Petco. The kind that are made of polyester or leather. And I want studs and spikes on them so if the child moves so much as an inch away from the table, the discomfort will force him back to the booster seat they made me get. Or better yet, why not a leash made of a bungee cord? I like this idea. A really elastic one. And I would lure the child away from their table with a big pile of chicken fingers. The kid would walk towards the food and then I would inch it a little further away and keep doing that until the adorable tot is struggling against the elasticity of the cord. One foot further and then the bungee cord would do its thing and snap that kid right back to his seat where he was supposed to be anyway. I would lure the kid up and over tables first so that when he was being bungeed back to his inattentive parents he would go under tables and over booths and maybe get smacked around a little bit on the way. It would be an excellent lesson for that poor dear child. Stay in your seat. Don’t move. Be quiet.

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70 thoughts on “My Child, My Pet

  1. “Your kid on a leash?”

    I actually think these are a GOOD idea. Nothing better for keeping the little asshole from darting out in traffic!

  2. I think that those leashes are often misused. I am extremely attentive to my two year old and do my best to keep her with me in a store and when she decides I’m not being fair, she runs. I also have an infant that I cannot just abandon while I run after my disobedient child. The leash would be helpful for this. Using the leash to drag around the child so you don’t have to pay attention to it is just rude. If they aren’t going to enjoy and pay attention to their kids, why have them in the first place?

  3. You sound like the typical drug useing, I hate my daddy, I'm gonna do a better job if I get pregnant accidentally after work at the party, I am a waitress that's smarter than the world, maybe I can scam drinks off this table by not ringing up the drinks waitress. Grow up, have a family, and post something worth reading. You need a monkey leash.

  4. =) I just started working in a restaurant and was very amused when I found out my manager loathes kids as much as I do…to the point where he has (a little more than conceptually) invented a child muzzle. It is designed with a zipper in the front so the very persistent parents can still stuff food into their little darling's mouth, and then quickly rezip it to ensure silence. He said in the perfect world, the patrons would walk in and they would be hanging on a carousel at the front of the restaurant and the hostess would just grab one as they are being walked to the table. Screaming children=solved!

  5. Hey – not all of us parents suck, you know! Some of us work very hard to keep our kids quiet and occupied in a restaurant, always tip very well to apologize for the mess on the floor, and know better than to bring a tired toddler to a fancy-pants place just as he's totally having a melt-down. We hate those lousy, lazy 'rents too.We also have the monkey leash, which is fantastic when you have a fiercely independant toddler and must take him to crowded places like an airport. With the monkey he can walk by himself w/o being able to just run off into the ether.Sorry for sounding defensive – just had to leave a restaurant to walk a crying baby outside while Hubby had our meals wrapped to go. At least we were quick turnover! =)

  6. Oh Bitchy Waiter, I work at a restaurant at Disneyland.(Yes, I can hear your groans from here!) It is like free birth control every single day I work. Parents, for the most part are horrible creatures. I know it's not the kids' fault, it's theirs'. You can only image the BS I see everyday. I salute you talking about annoying ass kids and their lazy parents.

  7. I have a harness for my autistic toddler. It is for his safety. Both my older kids were taught to behave and stay with me when we were out. But it doesn't work that way when autism comes into the picture. So for those people who are judging, you should be aware that not all parents with these harnesses are lazy can't-be-bothered-teaching-my-kid-to-behave types. I certainly know I will never judge again.

  8. I really do not get the whole child leash thing. I mean parents seriously? You want a cute accessory at the end of your leash, get a dog… Children, though they may sometimes act like it, are in fact NOT animals. Put them in a stroller or watch them instead of being preoccupied with other things. Parents shape up or ship out ! Ditch the leashes and do your job !Your children will resent you if you don't Peace and Love,D

  9. hahahaha i laughed out loud reading this. kids are really annoying in restaraunts. (i have 2) but how else are they going to learn to behave well in public if you dont take them out and try it? true though that if you do go out, go someplace kid friendly.

  10. I've just recently come upon your blog, and you're simply hilarious. My brother was that kid that got dragged around on a leash, especially at restaurants. Haha.

  11. These are absolutely horrible! I saw a lady with her child on one at my son's school the other day. I mean seriously, you can't hold your child's hand while walking across the playground to pick up your other kid? I could see using a wrist strap if you are in a busy place like Disneyland and are worried that your child might take off running, but then even that's a little lame. Kids are not dogs!

  12. I have often said that my third child is my comeuppance for every smug, know-it-all thought I ever had with raising my first two kids, who were a piece of cake, although I didn't realize it at the time! Seriously, I *thought* I was battling all the challenges of parenthood with my first two, then my third came along and I found out exactly how difficult it can be! Talk about your wild-child. Try not to judge, just be glad they are doing what they feel they need to do to keep their kid safe, whether or not you agree with the method. 🙂

  13. You obviously don't have kids. Which is fine. I have one of those monkeys, which we call a backpack. I use it once in a while if we are in a situation that it is needed. He wears it and I just grab the strap if it would be dangerous for him to dart away. Little buggers are quick. May seem cruel, but it's better than them getting hit by a car or snatched by a stranger.

  14. i personally think a shocker collar would be the best addition to the monkey leash that i can possibly fathom. not only does it teach the child it is too dumb to walk by itself, but punishes it for verbally expressing its thoughts.

  15. I actually own that leash for my son, LOL!He occasionally likes to pull away and run off because he feels like being a booger. The leash keeps that from happening, without the other method–threats of beatings–which result in calls to CPS.The leash only seems cruel. Actually, my son seems to like his "monkey backpack" and gave him a name. It's not a bad deal.

  16. Love that u know how totally ANNOYING kids at restaurants are!! in fact, what public place are kids NOT annoying in?? movie halls? yes, buses? yes, clubs (god forbid) yes and how about (this is the winner)AIRPLANES? YES YES YES! i love the idea of parents being handed a leash each… but please oh please someone also design a muzzle!!

  17. leashes are man, BUT, having said that, in our country these days it seems that you kids are disappearing right before their mother's eyes. It's the world cup thing. Apparently it happens where ever the world cup goes. The other day a mother was driving home with her 2 year old falling asleep in the seat next to her with his safety belt on and someone broke the passanger window and tried to nab the little boy. She hung onto his foot and was able to get away, but these are the little things that leashes might help for. You get to hold on, or tie the kid to the car-chair/store trolley, etc. It's mean, but it keeps your child from being snatched. At home though, kids should roam free. In restaurants… go to a child friendly one. One that has a jumping castle or a jungle gym and video cameras and sign in sign out places.

  18. "…spotted one of those mothers who thinks it's a good idea to attach their child to a leash. "Actually, it's a bloody good idea; have you ever tried to catch a runaway kid on a crowded street? It is just resposible parenting to keep them from harming themselves – but this way they are less likely to grizzle from being held back.

  19. I have seen children fall down while tied to these things. Wow, nothing says I love you like a few skint knees and elbows because mom is too lazy, distracted or careless to keep an eye on the kids. I am with you 100% on the kid sitting in their seats at resturants. Me and my hubby were in a resturant not too long ago and two kids were just running up and down between the tables. My parents never had to have leashes. We knew better then to act like that anywhere in public. Like I heard someone once say, if parents make children behave at home then children will behave when they leave the home.

  20. Hahaha, I have two boys ages 5 & 6 and I couldn't agree with you more. I refuse to take my kids out for dinner unless it is an absolute "have to" situation. Who am I to ruin other people's dinner by having my 2 rugrats running around giving others agida while they are trying to enjoy their meal! I know I would be furious if it was the other way around. Love your writing!! Look forward to more.

  21. Wow. I'll remember this the next time my autistic son, who doesn't respond to his name and tends to wander off with people, needs to come out in public with me. It's not a muzzle or some weird torture device, it's designed to keep kids safe in busy/crowded places. I do watch my children like a hawk but things happen fast and if my eyes are on my kids nonstop, I'll bump into you on the street…and then you'll write something nasty about me in your blog. :o(

  22. I think those leashes look wrong on little kids in public too, I think kids with ADHD get put in them. But I agree, SOME kids at restaurants should be required to wear them–nailed to the table. I once said to a mom while I was carrying a tray full of BOILING HOT CRAP & dodging her son, "He can't run around like this." She said, "OBVIOUSLY YOU'VE NEVER BEEN A PARENT." What a c*nt.

  23. oh my god I LOVE this blog. And, I totally agree. I mean come on! Btw, kerry, right on. If the kid is smart enough to get out of the leash and attach it to another kid he DESERVES freedom. I once saw a child get put on a leash, and SHE WAS NOT HAPPY! so she whined and cried, but the parent wouldnt relent. so finally, after her hissy fit was over, she went up to the mortified step – dad (hence the "not relenting" part), and said "daddy" in that cute little girl voice and almost hugged him. And as the man went down arms (and hands) outstretched, she ran as fast as she could out of the store brining the leash with her. haha good times.

  24. The best is when you see a mother walking with their child on a leash and then you just happen to be walking your DOG at the same time. It must make the mother feel really good about herself.

  25. Ok so here is an alternative solution to your, "Children vs. The Service Indestry"!!! Remember couple years ago when underground fencing was a big hit. They came out hooked you right up with an invisable fence that you couldnt see, but only your dog could feel.. So I was thinking could that fence be installed around tables? Now you can pick up with the part of your plan. Parents will ask for kids meanus, instead of leashes you would give them the fence collar. This way they stay in the booster and your food stays on the tray!! Love your blogs

  26. i totally agree with chrissy…absolute laziness! the problem with people today is that the kids think THEY should tell the parents what to do AND THE PARENTS LET THEM!! then the kids get to be into all kinds of horrible things when they're teenagers and the parents sit back saying "where did we go wrong??". it started with the leash.

  27. My mom had this rainbow colored thing that she strapped me and my brother together with. It just went around your wrist and I think it was supposed to go Parent-child, but she used it as child-child. I guess she figured if they are gonna try to steal one, they might as well take both. 🙂 We were good and were never on leashes, it was more the little handcuff device to keep me and him together. My brother had a tendency to get distracted, and as attentive as a mother can be, it can be difficult to watch both at the same time, steer your cart, read your gorcery list, and find the item you are looking for… all the while dodging other people who don't have kids under control, or their carts. 🙂

  28. The other day one kid got lost in a shopping mall and his mother didn`t show up for more than 45 minutes. She said she didn`t hear like a hundred announcements on a speaker, because she was so scared over loosing her child. Of course it was kids fault, that he got lost. He was 3. The leash is for confused parents.

  29. First off, I have kids. Second, I would welcome a leash, monkey, chicken wire, whatever! I have been looking for summer activities to keep them occupied so I think I am going to steel your bungee idea and and link two of them together and have them run in opposite directions. That would be super fun! J/K I don't have any bungee cords LOL

  30. LOVE THIS POST! I vowed to never get my kids a leash, and I never have. But I LOVE the idea of giving a leash with every kids menu/booster seat. Seriously, how hard is it to keep your kid quiet and eating in a restaurant? It's not very hard, but some people just have no clue.

  31. DUDE, do u know how lazy mothers are nowadays? i use to work in the school system and the mothers aren't what they use to be… A lot of them have the guilts from working so they spoil these little sh*ts by giving them whatever they want… And u are asking if its too much for them to look after their child without a leash? These are mothers who never grew up and are still wanting to be carefree… Have u ever noticed how mothers will get their kids a happy meal, and get themselves a salad and say they are on a diet tho they will finish their kid's happy meal??? and they wonder why they can't lose weight? See, u got me on a rant…lol

  32. As the mother of a two-year-old I can tell you that I have been tempted at times to put my kid on a leash, I just can't bring myself to do it though. I love the bungi-leash idea. I really think you're on to something there! I know it would keep my lil' monster entertained for at least 20 minutes! : D

  33. My mother had a psychic leash on me. I swear, she would just look at me and I'd sit down on the spot and STFU!Still, that bungee cord leash merits some research. You should work on a prototype for it or something. Maybe have that Sham-Wow guy sell do an infomercial for it too.

  34. LOL! Although I am not a waiter, I love your blog, and I had to share with you that I once witnesses a clever toddler who was wearing one of these leashes at the mall sit down at a bench next to some other kid while his mom was talking and unfasten the harness and put it on the other kid… then he just walked away… I didn't tell the mom. Best thing I have ever witnessed.

  35. HAHA. I just stated reading your blog for the past few days. I LOVE IT! I used to work in reatil in a very busy, international mall. I saw plently of those leashes, and still the parents didn't keep an eye on the child, they still manage to get some "destroy" in. Good luck with your inentions- I personally LOVE them and would totally buy one/and/or support it!

  36. Wow I really hope you never have children. Though I have to admit some people do misuse leashes they are there to protect your children from "darting" off. People who drag their kids by them are just sick but i see nothing wrong with having it around your wrist as your child holds your hand as a backup in case they let go or try and run. I've never used one but i can see the safety value in them.Really a bungee cord? Thats just wrong.

  37. My mom had a leash for me too. The funny thing is – those leashes only attach with velcro (mine anyway)! Apparently I was a dumb little kid and couldn't open the velcro. The leash was necessary though. I was a bad little child and regularly hid in the clothes racks (accidentally tipped one over on a saleswoman once!), refused to walk in the right direction, ran away….etc.

  38. I like the monkey-on-the-back look…nothing says "good parenting" like enlisting the help of a restraint made to look like a toy…how about an octopus leash for larger families? Maybe even a race car bed with locking seatbelts to reduce nighttime strolls? And the bungee cord is a great idea…I'd like to see it used on kids of all ages…

  39. I've seen mothers who are in, what it seems to be, a walking group? When I jog past, there they go, all three of them with leashes on their children… Sooo cruel.

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