Don’t Tell Me To Rush Your Food

Dear Man at Table 9 Who Told Me You Were in a Hurry,

What is your problem? You barreled in and flagged me over within two freaking seconds after you plopped your gloober globber ass onto your chair. Your arms were flailing about so wildly that I thought you were either having a seizure or were trying to take flight. Neither, it turns out. You seem to think you are the only person in the restaurant who has other things to do. You expected me to drop what I was doing and take care of your needs first because you think you are the most important man in all the land. You are not, sir.

“I’m in a real big hurry, “ you told me. “I need you to put a rush on this food.”

And then you ordered roasted chicken, the one thing on the menu that takes the longest to prepare.

“That takes about 15 to 20 minutes to make, is that going to be alright? I asked.

Judging by the huge sigh that escaped your body, it was not okay, but you still said it was. “But put a rush on it.”

Listen, asshole, I’m not putting a rush on your chicken for three reasons:

1. Chicken has to cook.
2. I don’t care.
3. I don’t care.

When your chicken was done, I immediately took it to you along with your check so you could eat and pay at the same time in order to get to your super important meeting, or whatever. Suddenly, you no longer seemed to be in a hurry. You took your sweet ass time eating that chicken, relishing each and every bite. I watched you scroll through Facebook on your cell phone and I saw you put the fork down for at least two minutes so you could text someone. The check that I so thoughtfully brought to you sat neglected on the edge of the table. After you sucked the last bit of marrow from the chicken bone, you had the gall to ask me what we had for dessert and you ordered a bread pudding and a cup of regular coffee. When I brought it out, I produced a new check for you.

“I know you’re in a big hurry, so do you want me to take that check now for you while I’m here?”

Suddenly you remembered your earlier ruse of being in a rush and handed me your credit card and I took care of your check within thirty seconds. But then you fucking sat there. You even had a refill of coffee which, by the way, was decaf. You weren’t in a hurry. You were just hungry and self-important.

If you’re going to tell your waiter you are in a rush just to get your food out as soon as possible, at least finish the acting exercise and leave quickly. Every time you pull that stunt, it diminishes the importance of someone else who really is in a hurry. And it makes us servers think that all customers are liars and we are less likely to do anything to help them get out quickly which is exactly why I did not put a rush on your chicken.

It has to cook.
I don’t care.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

10 thoughts on “Don’t Tell Me To Rush Your Food

  1. miss kitty

    The other day I had two people sit at a booth for six during a very busy lunch and tell me that they “may have two others coming, but [they’ll] order right away because [they’re] in a hurry.” I walked away from that table thinking “Great. So you just want to start our brief interaction on a bed of lies!” Sure enough, they were still there, just the two of them, gabbing away over their bowls of soup (that they never actually finished) long into the afternoon.

    Reply
  2. Anita

    Anytime someone says they are in a hurry, I RUSH them. I make sure I’m sweaty and huffing and puffing like a just ran a race when I bring the food and the check at the same time, then tell them I can wait for the payment (still huffing and sweating) So they can’t eat until they give me the money and I go away…….NEVER to return.

    Reply
  3. Michele

    Years ago I worked in a hotel restaurant. One day at lunch time a group of 6 men came in and told me they were in a hurry and had to catch a flight out of RDU to go to France. 3 of the idiots ordered Filet Mignon well done. I told them that would take a quite a while to prepare and maybe they should change their order. They did not and spent most of their wait flagging me down asking why it was taking so long. Food comes out and they ask for boxes so they can wolf it down in shuttle on the way to the airport. One guy paid the tab and tipped 20% so I was over it.

    Reply
  4. PerryG

    Yes! I got one of those notices too!

    Went out, had a few drinks, the bill was 30-something … I rounded up & left an even $50. And the bank texted me.

    Seriously?

    Reply
  5. Willow

    Sorry, but I have no sympathy for people that tell me they’re in a hurry. The first thing that runs through my head is, “Then why are you here?” “Why are you DINING IN?” “Shouldn’t you get carryout?” “Or go through a drive thru.” Most of them are lying and are just hungry and don’t wanna wait(like everyone else). If they were actually in a hurry they wouldn’t be in there.
    So to handle people like this, I pretend like I’m bending over backwards for them. When I give them their drinks I tell them that I explained to the kitchen that they were in a hurry. When in fact, I’ve said absolutely nothing to the kitchen at all😆 and they’ll get their food in the same amount of time it takes for everyone else to get theirs. You’re welcome😊

    Reply
  6. Alan

    I love the ones that tell you why they’re in a hurry; mostly because they have to catch a plane! Um…shouldn’t you be on your way to the airport then? Best to go through the drive-thru at McDonald’s and eat on the way!

    You’re in a hurry, eh? Riiiiiight!

    Reply
  7. Recon

    I work at a restaurant that is near the theatre district, so it’s normal for us to get an early, hardcore rush before a performance. We make it quite clear when they make their reservation that it normally takes about an hour and a half for them to actually enjoy their meal. So, they make the reservation for 5 PM to make their 7 PM show, then, of course, they arrive one at a time over an hour until the full party is there by 6 PM, flustered and in a big hurry. I do everything to deal with them, and they ignore me when I try to get their order.

    Reply

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