There is a photo floating around on the Internet that is proving that some customers have too many needs and too much damn time on their hands. On a Facebook page called Servers, Bartenders & all restaurant staff…UNITE!, someone posted a photo of a list of rules created by a customer who sidled up to Longhorn Steakhouse and mistakenly thought they were at Downton Abbey. It appears they presented the hostess with this list of expectations:
- Do not address us as “Guys”, unless there are no Gals with us. You may address us as “Ladies and Gentlemen” or Folks, but not Guys!
- Do not ask us if we’ve been here before.
- Do not explain the menu to us. We all can read!
- Do not serve any ice or straws with our water unless we ask to have it served.
- We want to be seated at the quietest table possible.
- Do not remove any dishes until EVERYONE has completed eating the specific course.
- Never, ever ask us if we are still working on it or working it down. We may still be eating, or if you are lucky enough we may even be enjoying your food. The waiter should be observant enough to judge if we are finished with a course.
- We don’t want to hear about the waiter’s favorite dishes.
- Do not chew gum in our presence.
This list is the biggest pile of “what the fuck” I have seen in a long time. You know it took some woman three days and a dozen phone calls to her grandson to figure out to type out this list on her Dell and print out enough copies to have every time she goes out to eat at the mall. And enough with the fucking exclamation points, lady, because all it does is make you seem like bigger twat than you already are. Who does this bitch think she is, the Dowager Countess? Do I look like Mr. Mosely to you? Do you see Lord and Lady Grantham over in Booth 8? (Yes, I just watched the finale of Downton last night…)
I now present you with my list of rules that I would like to give to every customer who comes into my restaurant:
- Do not address me as “Hey” unless I am wearing a name badge that says “Hello, my name is Hey.” You may address me as “Your Royal Bitchiness” or Sir, but not Hey!
- Do not tell me you have been here before because I don’t care.
- Do not ask me to explain the menu to you. I assume you can read!
- Do not get pissed off if I serve you a straw or ice. If you don’t want the fucking straw then lay it on the table and if you don’t want the ice it will melt as soon as it gets within six inches of your swamp mouth bad breath.
- If you need peace and quiet then maybe you should keep your ass at home where you won’t be surrounded by dozens and dozens of strangers who are out to have a good time.
- If I attempt to remove a dish sooner than you’d like, simply tell me you’re not done with it and I will leave it there. It’s called communication and that’s what adults do.
- Never, ever ask me what I do for my “real job.” This is my real job and if you are lucky and polite, you will get to see how a professional server is able to make your average dining experience a great one. You should be observant enough to judge that customers who have good manners get better service.
- I don’t want to hear about how much better the food is somewhere else. Go there.
- Do not use a cell phone in my presence.