In case you don’t know what to do for your big New Year’s Eve celebration, I have found the answer. Forget about house parties or getting dressed up to go to the fanciest club in town. Don’t bother going to wait in the cold in Times Square to see the ball drop with all the other peons. This year, pull out your Platinum American Express and buy a couple of passes to be at Olive Garden in Times Square! There, you can have all the breadsticks you need to keep you warm and you can ride into 2016 on a wave of Alfredo sauce. It will only set you back $400 per person. That may seem crazy, but when you realize that you even get an partially obstructed view of the ball dropping, it suddenly seems worth it, doesn’t it? Yes, this is for real. I can’t imagine why anyone wants to be anywhere near the hell that is Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Having lived her for 22 years, I don’t know one person who would do it. The only time I have been there was when I was waiting tables at Houlihan’s on 49th and Seventh and got to see the shit storm up close and personal. No, it’s literally a shit storm because there is no place to pee and poop.
Wanting to know what kind of person would spend $400 to be at Times Square Olive Garden, I reached out to the company (no, I didn’t) to see if I could interview one of the “lucky” people who will be there. They gave me the name of a customer (no, they didn’t) and I interviewed him to try to understand what is going on his his Chicken Scampi for brains head. His name is Tyrone Washington and this is what he had to say:
Bitchy Waiter: Thank you for answering my questions, Tyrone. Where are you from?
Tyrone Washington: I’m from a little town in Ohio called Orwell and we don’t have an Olive Garden there. The closest one is in Cleveland about 55 miles west, so I don’t get to go there very often. In fact, I just tell people I’m from Cleveland because it makes people think I’m upscale.
BW: Have you been to New York City before? What all are you going to do here?
TW: This is my first time here so I’m gonna do all the usual stuff, you know. Go to the Empire State Building, ride the horse and carriage through Central Park, look for famous people. Heck, I dunno. I’m just so gosh darned excited to be here, I don’t care what I do.
BW: What makes you want to spend $400 to be at Olive Garden on New Year’s Eve? That seems like a lot of money for Olive Garden.
TW: To be honest with ya, I would have paid twice that. It’s Olive Garden! In Times Square! On New Year’s Eve. Come on, it does not get more perfect than that.
BW: Will you be with any friends or a special someone that night?
TW: Nope, just me. I don’t have a girlfriend yet so I just treat myself. I figure my right hand is basically my girlfriend, if you know what I mean, so I may as well treat it to some breadstick pepperoni pizza! Woo hoo!!
BW: Okay, are you telling me you masturbate a lot?
TW: Yes. All the time. Like, as soon as we are done talking I’m going to start again.
BW: Umm, okay. Do you know that you won’t really be able to see the ball drop from the Olive Garden? The view is obstructed. Is that alright with you?
TW: It’s fine with me. As long as I can eat all the pasta I want and get some fancy wine or something, I’m good.
BW: And what do you hope to be doing at midnight?
TW: My goal is to be in the bathroom with just me, my right hand and some Chicken Carbonara so I can ring in 2016 just like I do every new year: sad, alone and choking my chicken. The only difference this year is that I will be choking Chicken Carbonara!!
BW: Any resolutions for 2016, Tyrone?
TW: Yes. To finally move out of my mom’s basement, to get a promotion at Radio Shack and to find a girlfriend who loves Olive Garden as much as I do. No offense to my right hand, but I’m tired of masturbating all the time.
BW: Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me, Tyrone. Happy New Year.
TW: You too. Thanks!
And there you have it folks. A 100% real and not made up interview with someone who has spent $400 to be at Olive Garden in Times Square on New Years’ Eve.