As if living on tips isn’t hard enough, now we have to look out for women who are stealing tip jars from restaurants. In Westport, Connecticut, police arrested 44 year-old Stacy Flanagan for filching a tip jar and then stealing money out of another tip jar to pay for her check. She had her two young children with her at he time because nothing says “good parenting” like stealing money with your kids. This all went down on December 31and was caught on surveillance video which was then aired on a local TV station and someone recognized that stealing bitch and turned her ass in. Before you let yourself believe that she must be a single mother who is struggling to support her family, let me also tell you that the house she lives in is valued at $1.2 million. She turned herself in on Friday and was released on $2,500 bond.
What the hell is wrong with people? Obviously, this woman has a problem. Maybe she is a kleptomaniac and she just can’t resist the temptation of taking something when she thinks she won’t get caught. Maybe she forgot her black American Express card in her other Birken bag. Or maybe she gets a discount on her Botox if she pays cash and she was too lazy to go to the ATM. Perhaps, since this happened on December 31, this was her last day to be wild and crazy because she knew that the next day was when she would begin her new year’s resolution of “I won’t steal tip jars at restaurants” Whatever the reason, did she forget that there are cameras everywhere these days? I won’t even pick my nose or pull a wedgie out of my ass for fear that some security guard is going to see it on a TV monitor somewhere and then upload it to the YouTube.
Oh, Stacy, Stacy, Stacy. Poor, privileged Stacy who thinks she is above the law and can steal money from hard-working commoners. I wonder what her kids think about their mom. We see that she hid the tip jar under her coat so we have to assume that when she got into her BMW, she had to remove it and her kids would have seen it.
“Mummy, what’s that?”
“What’s what, dear?”
“That big jar of money that you just pulled out from under your designer coat? Why do you have that?”
“It’s for the poor, dear. The poor need money. You know that, don’t you? Remember that one occasion when we accidentally missed our exit and we had to drive through where the poors live? This is for them. So they can buy things they need like Payless shoes and used iPads, darling.”
“But why does the jar say ‘tips’ on it, Mummy?
“That’s an acronym, dear. It stands for ‘Take It. Poor Sucks.’ So I’m taking it to the poors, right after we stop at Mummy’s doctor. I need a refresher on my lips. They’re flat. Don’t you see Mummy’s lips are flat, darling? We don’t want Mummy to have flat lips now, do we?”
“But why did you take money out of that other jar to pay for our bagels, Mummy? Don’t you have your own money? That was for the poor too, wasn’t it?”
“Shut the fuck up darling, Mummy is tired of talking to you now.”
Stacy Flanagan has been charged with two counts of risk of injury and sixth-degree larceny. She is scheduled to appear in court on March 3 at 9:30.