On this day many decades ago, a very pregnant woman went into a restaurant. Although her delivery date was only days away, the the temptation for one last meal out before being tied down to a bundle of joy for the next eighteen years was too much and she decided to take herself out to dinner. She sat in a booth and asked for an iced tea. As the waitress set the tall glass of tea on the table, the woman noticed that there was no lemon wedge. “What kind of waitress doesn’t serve a lemon with an iced tea?” she thought. At that precise moment, she felt a kick in her stomach. It wasn’t a simple twisting of her baby. It was more direct as if the baby needed out right that second. Another kick and this time it was enough to make the woman double over.
“Are you ready to order, ma’am?” asked the waitress.
The woman grabbed the side of the table with her hands digging her nails into the laminate tabletop that was sticky with syrup. “I think I’m having my baby right now,” she moaned.
“Oh, okay. I’m gonna give you some more time then,” the waitress said as she turned away and left.
With a force of nature never before seen, the baby began forcing its way out of the birth canal. The mother, worried and alone, didn’t know what else to do but let things happen. She leaned back in the booth and two minutes later she was looking at her newborn baby. With curly blond hair, hazel eyes, a devious smile and a black apron covering his privates, the baby looked up at his mother. With his tiny little hands, he pointed at the iced tea. His face scrunched up in a look of confusion and his lips moved into a pout as he began making noises with his new found vocal chords..
“Hello, little baby. Are you about to cry? Are you trying to tell me something, sweetie?”
He again pointed at the glass of tea, now sweating with condensation. “Tell that bitch to bring you a lemon wedge for the iced tea!” he wailed.
The mother’s heart melted at hearing his first words. “Oh my precious little boy. I shall name you Bitchy. Bitchy Waiter.”
So, yes it’s my birthday but it’s not the only important thing that happened on May 29th:
- 1849- Lincoln says, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.” What most people do not know is the second part of this sentence which is, “However, the three-second rule is a real thing and in some instances you can institute the ten-second rule and in very rare cases you can use the 30-minute rule, because some people are fools all the time and deserve to eat some dirty fucking bread sticks.”
- 1851- Sojourner Truth addressed the first Black Women’s Rights Convention. 140 years later an unemployed actor who was waiting tables at Black Eyed Pea in Houston, Texas took the day off from work to portray her as a walking puppet for some stupid ass historical society bullshit, but he got paid $75 bucks so he was cool with it.
- 1943- Meat & cheese was rationed in the United States which made it very hard on waiters and waitress across he country. A ham and cheese sandwich no longer had ham or cheese. It was two slices of bread with a piece of lettuce, a pickle spear and yellow construction paper with holes cut out of it to give the illusion of swiss cheese.
- 1980- At the 53rd National Spelling Bee, Jacques Bailly won by spelling the word “elucubrate.” It is a verb which means “to produce (especially literary work) by long and intensive effort.” To use it in a sentence, one would say “After wasting too much time on the computer, Bitchy Waiter was able to elucubrate a mediocre blog about waiting tables.”
- Bob Hope was born on this day as well as John F. Kennedy, LaToya Jackson, Annette Benning, Melissa Etheridge, Beatrice Lillie and the angel known as Lisa Welchel. Happy birthday to all of us!
I will now commence the festivities. Tequila shall be had.