Monthly Archives: April 2018

Today is “Take Your Kid to Work Day”

Today is National Take Your Child To Work Day here in the United States. It’s a day that is meant to teach our sons and daughters what their parents do at their jobs. Originally formed in 1993 by Gloria Steinem and the Ms. Foundation for Women and called “Take Our Daughters To Work Day,” it has evolved to encompass all children, both sons and daughters. It can provide the opportunity for a young girl to see her mother as something more than a mom and instead see a capable, strong, women in charge. Or maybe a son can see his father as something other than a lazy fat ass who sits on the couch all weekend and farts out Doritos.

If you are a server and plan on taking your child to work today, here are 8 things they can do while at the restaurant:

  1. Roll silverware. Every restaurant always need someone to roll extra silverware and quite frankly, who has time for that? An eager 10-year old will have quick and nimble fingers that can roll that silver and not bitch about it the whole time.
  2. Retrieve silverware from the garbage. None of us want to dig through the trashcan to get that fork we accidentally dropped while we were scraping a plate. Make a kid do it. Tell them it’s like a scavenger hunt and for each utensil they find, give them a butter packet as a reward.
  3. Remove gum from underneath the table. Being a fully grown man with 50-year old knees and joints, I don’t want to go under the table to scrape it off. However, a small child is just the right size to crawl under Table 9 and scrape that Bazooka from the underside. I say give that kid a sharp knife and some gloves and let them go to town.
  4. Clean the menus. It’s such a tedious task and we all know how fucking germy those menus can get. Why not let a kid, who is basically one big germ anyway, clean those menus instead? Then the hostess can use her time for more important things like ignoring customers and accidentally hanging up on people who want to place orders to pick up.
  5. Take care of the other kids in the restaurant. When we have a crying baby in our section that won’t shut up because it’s either colicky or needs to have its diaper changed, we servers can come across as insensitive when we ask the parents to quiet the baby down. Let the kid say it. You can instruct the child to say something like, “Man that baby sure is loud. Can’t you get it to take a nap or something? It’s giving me a headache.” Most parents are going to accept that from another child, but not from a server.
  6. Deliver the to-go food. This is such a great option. Because of child labor laws, the restaurant won’t have to pay the kids to deliver the food which will help out with payroll. It also gets those kids out of the restaurant so that those of us without kids won’t have to fucking see them. If you don’t feel secure having the child drive a car, just wrap some reflective tape around their head and send them on a bike or something. I’m sure they’ll be fine. If they happen to receive any tips, steal them. They’re just kids, what are they gonna do about it?
  7. Mop the floor. Kids love to mop! Haven’t you seen Annie? Give those little assholes a bucket and a couple of sponges and let them have a ball.
  8. Help you get bigger tips. After you have placed the check on the table, instruct your child to go to the customer and give a sob story about how badly you need money. They can say that you need bunion surgery or that your car has four bald tires and no windows or whatever. Make the kid slice some onions right before approaching the table so there are some real tears happening. Most customers won’t be able to resist a child in need and you can watch your tip average soar for the day.

I hope these suggestion come in handy for you as you strap an apron around your kid and teach them the joys of food service. If you are going to take your child to work today, you may as well make it work for you. Good luck!

Kids Meals Are For Kids. Period.

Everybody light a candle for Lindsey, because she had the “WORST customer experience” of her life this week at Applebee’s. Yes, that’s right. Out of every interaction she has had in her entire existence on earth, this is the event that will forever be remembered as the worst one. Like when, she is 85 years old and talking to her great-great grandkids, she’ll still be boring them to death with the tale about that time she went to Applebee’s in 2018 and the server wouldn’t let her order a goddamn kids meal.

Long story short: she went in with her two kids, one of which got full on the appetizer and didn’t want anymore food and since Lindsey herself wasn’t that hungry, she wanted to order two kids meals: one for her still hungry child and one for herself. Server gave Lindsey a big ol’ “no can do” and then Lindsey was forced to order a regular entree and leave with a ton of leftover food she didn’t want, couldn’t eat and had to pay for.

Buckle up, Linds, because I’m about to explain how kid meals work. A restaurant that offers a smaller portion of food at a lower price is doing parents a courtesy. It’s called a “kids meal” because it is literally FOR KIDS. It’s not for people who have small appetites or who had gastric bypass surgery or lap band surgery. The reason restaurants offer a smaller and cheaper portion for kids that is so that parents who come in with a gaggle of children won’t go bankrupt just taking their brood out for dinner. It’s actually very generous of restaurants to even offer it in the first place. Too many people see a kids meal and want to order it because it’s cheap. Whatever the case may be for wanting to order it, if you are over the age of 12, you better just resign yourself to having a full portion of Fiesta Lime Chicken and get ready to carry home a to-go box with your leftovers.

Your argument that you have two kids and you should be allowed to order two kids meals regardless of who will eat them, doesn’t fly. Why? First off, you ain’t 12 years old. Second off, the lower price for a kids meal is off-set by a parent who is paying a regular price for an entrée. If the only thing that is being sold to a table is a bunch of kids meals, it’s not a good use of restaurant real estate. Why would a restaurant want to give up a prime booth and then only sell two plates of food that cost a few dollars? News flash: all restaurants are there to make a profit, even Applebee’s. Your server was doing his job and you want to complain about someone who is enforcing the rules that were set by his boss? The real reason he didn’t want you talk to the manager is to save you the embarrassment of having that manager say the exact same thing your server just told you: kids meal are for kids. So even though you may have the emotional intelligence of an 8-year old, your actual age will require that you step away from the kids menu.

So, you had to leave with a bunch of leftovers? Is that the worst thing in the world? Doesn’t that just mean that you can eat it later? And if you didn’t want it, why did you order it? If you weren’t hungry enough for a full meal, why not order another appetizer? And also, your complaint that you to “still had to pay for it,” is just plain stupid.

Lindsey: I’m not that hungry, so can I order a kids meal?
Server: No, I’m sorry, you’ll have to order off the regular menu.
Lindsey: Oh, bummer. So, if I order off the regular menu, will I have to pay for it?
Server: Yes, bitch. That is how restaurants work. Jesus, why are my customers so dumb?

In closing, we all know that Lindsey has never been so dissatisfied with a restaurant which is why she went to the Applebee’s page to complain. What’s even more telling is that Applebee’s failed to respond to her post which means that even they know it’s an invalid complaint. Normally, we see Applebee’s jumping at the opportunity to offer a gift card. Their silence on this issue is deafening and that silence is saying: get over it, girl.


Applebee’s Customer Stiffs Her Server and Is Okay With It

As I am wont to do, I spent a good portion of my day today scanning the Facebook pages of various restaurant chains to see if I could find anything that would inspire me to sit my lazy ass down at the computer and write a story. Lo and behold, the Applebee’s page was a treasure trove of idiocy. One after another, I read customers’ comments and couldn’t decide which post would be the one that would awake the lazy sleeping bitch inside my soul. And then I saw Judith’s comment. Like a moth to a flame, my eyes were drawn to it because every word of it made my nostril hairs tingle and my ears twitch. The pure cluelessness, entitlement, and self-centeredness of the post was ripe for a Bitchy Waiter takedown and here it comes and, like projectile diarrhea, this takedown is about to spew from me.

It appears that Judith took her granddaughter to Applebee’s to celebrate her last year as a pre-teen. Being 12 years old and painfully aware of the embarrassment of being at Applebee’s with her grandma, the young lady specifically requested that the staff not sing “Happy Birthday” to her. (I already like the child about 1000% more than her grandmother.) Much to the surprise and delight of Grandma, their server Chrissie still brought out a birthday sundae to celebrate the momentous occasion. “The food was delicious and Chrissie was great!” crows Grandma.

But then it turns bad. Real bad.

“We don’t tip on our bank cards and discovered we didn’t have the cash to give her the tip she deserved. But we’ll make up for that on our next visit! Chrissie, you really made her day!”

Hold up, Grandma. Did you just announce to the world that you basically stiffed Chrissie because you refuse to leave tips on credit cards? What kind of bullshit excuse is that? If you didn’t have the cash to tip her what she deserved, then the only logical thing for you to do was to get over your weird, paranoid, fear of leaving a tip on a credit card. Do you think that by not tipping it keeps the portal to your bank account closed? It doesn’t. Once the credit card is swiped or chipped, that portal’s open, honey. Wide open like a hungry power bottom at a leather daddy pool party. If you know for a fact that you never leave tips on credit cards, then it is your responsibility as a diner to make sure you have cash in your purse, pocketbook, brassiere, sock or tucked inside your back fat. Simply going to the Facebook page of Applebee’s and thanking your server is not enough. Well, I’m sure what you would have left as a cash tip wouldn’t be enough either, but this really isn’t enough. Chrissie can’t pay her bills with “good job.”

And to say that you will catch her the next time is another load of crap and you know it. You just expect Chrissie to be at Applebee’s at anytime in the future, day or night, just so you can tip her what she deserves? What if she has the day off the next time you take your ass up there for a Sweet Asian Pineapple Burger, what then? I know what then. You slide that five dollar bill back into your greasy back fat and say, “Oh well, we tried.” If you really want to make sure Chrissie gets the tip she deserves, you go back up there and give it to a manager in a sealed envelope and also inside that envelope is a letter of apology for not tipping her in the first place.

Judith, you meant well and I’m sorry to come down so hard on you. Maybe it’s been a while since you’ve had anyone come down hard on you, but it was time for that to happen. You’re welcome. I suspect that this Facebook post will be deleted very soon because you will see the error of your ways. Once you delete the post, I hope you will do the right thing and make sure Chrissie get the tip she earned. If you don’t do it for Chrissie, then do it for your granddaughter. The best birthday gift you can give her is a lesson on how to be a good tipper. That’s a gift that will last forever and will always keep on giving.

Your Kid, Your Mess. Not My Job.

There is a never-ending debate about who is responsible for cleaning up the mess a child makes in a restaurant. While it is our job as servers to clear plates and make sure our section and the restaurant is neat and clean, it is not our job to get on our knees after a two-year old attempts to eat a plate of spaghetti and meatballs that ended up mostly on the floor, highchair, table, walls, ceiling and the menu. The parents need to accept some responsibility when their child is a miserable fucking failure at feeding itself. I was sent a screenshot of a restaurant review written by someone named Adina who left one star because after his “boy” broke a bottle of vinegar, the server expected him to clean it up. Adina was less than pleased and considered it very unprofessional. Okay, so maybe the server shouldn’t have said he wasn’t from the cleaning company, but, yeah. I too think the parent should be the one to clean up that broken bottle of vinegar. I applaud this server who brought out the mop for the parent to clean up after their own kid.

We servers are more than happy to clean up a reasonable amount after a customer has dined in our section. Well, maybe “happy” isn’t the right word, but we expect to because it’s part of the job. But where is the line? Why should I have to mop up a puddle of vinegar and spend the rest of my day smelling like a douche when Adina could do it and smell exactly the way he did when he first came into the restaurant? Parents need to understand that we are there to serve food, not clean up after their filthy children who have shitty motor skills and can’t hold things.

I have cleaned up plenty of messes and mopped up more than my share of spills over the years. The times that I really resent it is when the person who is responsible for the mess simply expect me to do it and don’t apologize or thank me. Once, I remember mopping up a spilled soda after a kid knocked it over and the mother didn’t even acknowledge that I was doing it. I actually had to mop around her feet because she couldn’t even be bothered to move them out of the way. I wanted to take the mop and shove it up her poop chute and let her walk through the restaurant with the mop hanging out of her ass so she could clean the entire floor, but I didn’t. I was “professional” and did it for her, but when I do that, I expect there to be some kind of financial compensation for it. If you plan on tipping me 20% for my basic service, then you’d better up the ante if a mop is involved.

But back to Adina: it was your kid that broke the vinegar bottle. Dining out in a restaurant doesn’t mean that you have a personal fucking manservant at your fingertips for a couple of hours. If your kids makes an extraordinary mess, then that’s on you. As soon as you accepted the responsibility of being a parent, then you also accepted that you are going to be cleaning up after it. Whether it’s a dirty diaper, a broken bottle of vinegar or puke from too much tequila on his 18th birthday, it is not a server’s job to clean that up. Your child, your mess. Take your one-star review and choke on it.

You Can Live Stream The Bitchy Waiter Show

Not to beat a dead horse, but I need to let you know that my live stage show is happening in just over a week on Sunday, April 22nd. It’s 85 minutes of me singing, bitching and drinking about my life in an apron and I’m pretty sure you will love it. The theater seats 120 people and it is sold out, bitches. However, since I know there are plenty of people who don’t live close enough to New York City to be able to drop what they are doing to come and see me stand on a stage and drink cocktails, I have decided to live stream it.

That’s right, you can watch my show from the comfort of your own home. I have it all set up and now all I need to do is to make sure people actually watch it. You can click here to sign into the website and pre-purchase a ticket. The website requires you to use their currency which are called “notes.” (I don’t know why they want to make it more complicated than it needs to be, but they did.) Each note is ten cents, so $5 buys you 50 notes, which just happens to be the suggested price of my show. And yes, they take Pay Pal and credit cards. So all you have to do is buy your ticket to the show and then sit your ass in front of a computer or cell phone on Sunday, April 22nd at 7:30 EST and you can see my show. I went all out using eight different cameras and editing, so it’s basically gonna look like an episode of The Voice.

The people who are seeing the show live had to pay $15 dollars for a ticket and they are required to order two beverages while they are there, so watching it online is way cheaper. And you don’t have to worry about getting a good view or even putting on clothes.
Please watch so that I know I didn’t waste money on this live streaming idea. I am used to wasting money on tequila and vodka, but not on technology, so please help me know that it was worth it. I promise you will laugh and you might even see the softer side of bitch during the show. I can’t wait to do the show!


And here is a little sample of what to expect:

Don’t Troll Me, Carlee

I have spent the last several years writing this blog and happily dragging people through the mud who absolutely 100% deserved to be dragged through mud. I have also spent some time doing that to people who maybe only deserved it 75%. Some have called me a troll while others have called me a hero. I honestly don’t care what you call me as long as you tip me 20%. On occasion, I will receive an email or Facebook message from someone who feels the need to give me their unsolicited opinion. I read every single message that people send to me and this morning I awoke to a message from a person named Carlee who wanted to let me know that she thought my email address was unprofessional. Girl, please. My email address is the least unprofessional thing about me, but okay. Since I do my best to respond to as many messages as possible, I did not want Carlee’s message to go unanswered. So I replied. Then she replied back and insulted me again. And I wrote her again. And then she was all, “Oh, wait is this a real person??”

Bitch, do I look like a robot? Yes, I am real. The only thing fake about me is part of my front tooth that is bonded on after it broke off in an unfortunate musical theater accident when I was playing Tobias in a community theater production of Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett slammed my face with a metal pitcher during the “God, That’s Good” number. I also have highlights that cover the gray in my hair that came from waiting tables for too many years and my smile is as phony as pair of silicone-filled titties, but other than that I am real and you hurt me, Carlee. You hurt me real bad. After I explained to you that I was a real person, you totally ghosted me. You gave me a half-assed “my bad,” but where is my fully executed apology? Where is the final message that tells me you would never have said such things if you knew I was a human being with feelings? All this over my “unprofessional” email address. What’s the point, Carlee? Yes, my email address is The only reason I have that is because I couldn’t get “bitchywaiter,” but you probably would have thought that was unprofessional too, huh? What should my email address be? More importantly, what is yours? Is it something expected like or is it

Carly, look. I don’t want to start anything with you, I really don’t. Lord knows I don’t need another Internet feud. (Just kidding… I would love a new Internet feud!) I am just writing this blog post to try to understand why anyone would go to the trouble of sending a Facebook message to simply criticize their email address. Do you have nothing better to do with your time? Clearly, I don’t. I just wrote a 600 word blog post about absolutely nothing, but I want to know what your story is. If you see this, please write back. Give me the apology I so rightly deserve. Yes, my email address is silly, but who cares? Is it any sillier than what I have been writing about on this blog for almost ten fucking years? No, it isn’t.

The ball is in your court, Carlee. What’s good?