More and more lately, it seems popular for customers to have their own business cards printed up with all their special needs and requests listed on it in an effort to make life easier for their server. Well, at least that’s what the owners of those cards probably try to tell themselves, but most of us know it’s because they don’t want to waste their valuable time and oxygen on us lowly servers. Case in point is Old Pa Shaw here who is pretty damn specific with his beverage requirements:
Dear server. I would like a large diet coke with 1 inch of Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pipp & 3 limes. Thanks so much. Old Pa Shaw.
So many questions I have for Old Pa Shaw…
- What made you go with the lovely beach scape photo for your business card? Why not a photo of a crotchety old man sitting on his front porch screaming at children to stay off of his lawn? It would make more sense.
- Why did you capitalize Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb, but not Diet Coke? Do you have something against the Coca-Cola company? Very rude.
- What if the restaurant doesn’t have Diet Coke? Does the ratio stay the same with Diet Pepsi?
- And speaking of availability, what restaurant have you ever been to that serves Mr. Pibb? Is that even still around? Were these cards printed thirty years ago?
- How can you be sure that every restaurant will be using the same size glass to ensure that your “1 inch” measurement remains consistent? An 8 ounce glass with one inch of Dr. Pepper will not be the same as a 16 ounce glass with one inch of Dr. Pepper. Very confusing.
- Do you provide a ruler for your server to measure the Dr. Pepper/Mr. Pibb? If it’s only three quarters of an inch, will you survive?
- Is the inch measured before the ice is added to the glass or after? Actually, do you even want ice? This card is not specific enough.
- Three limes? Do you mean lime wedges, lime wheels, lime halves or whole fucking limes that the server can just shove into a glass? We need specifics!!
- What kind of name is Old Pa Shaw? Did you used to be on The Waltons?
- Lastly, what would your feelings be if a waiter gave you this card:
Jefe
You had me until you couldn’t understand the ratio portion of 1″ and it’s brilliance of simplicity. 1″ is the perfect ratio regardless of size of glass. Unless it’s one of those stupid beer boot thing. The length throws off the Golden Brown ratio of Dr. Pepper. Or Mr. Pibb.
And obviously he’s referring to coke as the genericized description hence the lower case usage. Any connoisseur can tell you that Coke makes Dr. Pepper and Pepsi makes Mr. Pibb. So depending on which type of coke you serve, you’ll either get Dr. Pepper or Mr Pibb. Again, it’s brilliance is simplicity. He does away for the need to determine which brand is served as the server gets to choose either Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb and it’s appropriate blend. Which also addresses your question if Diet Pepsi is acceptable. Since you missed the brilliance of the simplicity, you obviously missed the aforementioned fact that depending on the mixer determines the host. Coke and Dr. Pepper or Pepsi and Mr. Pibb. It’s like Jack and Coke or cinnamon schnapps and Pepsi. Different but they both work out.
The beach is a personal choice and is as subjective as his choice of syrup drink.
As for limes. I often get a rum and Coke, see what a did there, and I prefer a lime as well. Sometimes referred to as a Cuba Libre. I only ask for that when I’m feeling ostentatious. But it’s the same as Old Pa Shaw asking for 3 limes. I don’t get in to semantics with the bartender about how they cut and serve their limes. I get what I get and make due. Pa needs 3. Simple, again.
And finally, is it possible he’s just deaf and can’t speak? Makes life easier for everyone involved.
dave
if it was so simple, why doesn’t he just ask
Stephanie
The generic name is cola, not coke.
Kaos
Actually there are some words that are so much a part of the common parlance that they refer to anything of the same type: coke=cola.
In Amarillo, Texas it refers to *any* soda e.g. “You want a coke?” “Sure.” “What kind?” “I’ll take an orange.” I am not even joking. I had this very conversation (with “orange” being anything from actual orange to Dr. P, to lime Slice, to Mt. Dew…) on more occasions than I can count. Apparently this happens elsewhere as well.
Lots of brand names are used generically: kleenex, band aid, aspirin, frisbee, linoleum, yo-yo, scotch tape, thermos, zip-lock, teflon, super glue, popsicle, magic marker, xerox, brillo/sos pad, saran wrap, vasoline, white-out, post-it…even heroin was once a brand name.
Amy
Kaos, it’s a southern thing. Im in TN, have lived in Ga, family in Bama n Ky..we call everything “Coke”. We have Coke, sweet tea, coffee, milk, water, and juice..beyond that, you gotta specify. Oh, and before anyone asks, we DO have unsweetened tea for those with “diabeetus” but if you order tea, expect a super sweet iced beverage with lemon. The bigger the better
Jessica
If he’s deaf, does he have a card made up for each restaurant he visits? With every food choice? What if their menu changes? Does he waste already printed cards and then cannot order?
Kaos
“Any connoisseur can tell you that Coke makes Dr. Pepper and Pepsi makes Mr. Pibb.”
Any connoisseur can tell you that Coca-Cola makes Mr. Pibb and Snapple/7-Up makes Dr. Pepper. It’s easy to tell this if you ever buy soda in the grocery store as all of the Coke products are together in one shelf area, the Pepsi/Mt. Dew products together in a different shelf area, and the 7-Up products are together in yet another shelf area. Doubt me? Google it.
Ergo if they have Pepsi they are unlikely to have Mr. , even if they have Coke they are unlikely to have Mr. Pibb just because hardly anyone ever does. Almost all restaurants that carry fountain type drinks however have Dr. Pepper…though strangely (and annoyingly) not 7-Up.
Amy
Actually, Dr Pepper is kinda an enigma in the soda world. It’s bottled by both Coke and Pepsi, with Snapple, AND has it’s own bottling company as well. You can get Dr Pepper in places that serve both. My last job carried Pepsi..my new job has Coke. Both had DP..thank God, it’s my favorite!
Markie
I bet you’re tons of fun at parties.
KarenL
Imyer, Yes! What is it with mayo? I think cooks are just on auto-pilot when it comes to swiping mayo on a bun. It’s to the point where I will not longer order certain things if it automatically comes with mayo, it’s not worth the hassle. I would not hand a card off to someone though, seems to douchy, plus a really don’t think it would make a difference.
Imyer Huckleberry
I’ve actually thought about doing something like this. Maybe it’s because I want to stop waste. Which is what happens when nine out of ten servers supposedly listen, write it down, and still manage to bring the wrong thing. (Mine isn’t for a weird drink – it’s very simple – “No mayonnaise on that, please.” And I’m not kidding – I actually kept track on a lengthy business trip. Nine out of ten didn’t get it right. (Yes, I understand it’s the kitchen’s fault – but kitchens probably don’t want me hanging around to tell them how to do it, that’s where the server comes in. Write it down, circle it, underline it, double check before it’s brought out…I can’t do any of that).
Jessica
Had a coworker receive a business card, definitely not cheap, for a guy’s cappuccino. It was one of the douchiest things I’ve ever seen. I can understand if it’s for a long list of bizarre allergies so the kitchen has it in hand, but come on. Open your mouth. Use your words.