An Open Letter to This Lazy Waiter

14877742_10157562610335459_846318685_nDear Lazy Waiter,

While I understand it’s not your fault that the fries weren’t hot enough, it is your responsibility to do your best to serve hot food. When a customer receives a plate with french fries that are just barely above room temperature, you should want to do your best to make it right for them. After all, good service will help you get a bigger tip, right? If you are going to take the plate of lukewarm food back to the kitchen, I would hope that you will be doing so in order to ask for some fries more recently out of the fryer. What I don’t expect for you to do is to simply hold the plate under the heat lamp hoping that will do the trick. It won’t. That light bulb was designed to keep hot food warm, not make warm food hot. The only thing that’s going to do is make the plate too hot to handle.

I get it. You don’t want to bother the cooks because you’re pretty sure they hate you and your cool hipster beard. Or they’re too busy smoking cigarettes out by the dumpster. Or maybe you are even lazier than I am, which is hard to believe because I’m pretty fucking lazy. But just holding the plate under the heat lamp is the equivalent of bringing someone a cup of coffee when they asked for a cappuccino: it’s half-assed. And if you’re going to do anything this half-assed, at least do it where no one can see you. Dude, you work in an open kitchen. We can see you. We can see you being a lazy bitch. I don’t normally call other servers “lazy bitches” but since I am one myself, I can do that. It takes a lazy bitch to know a lazy bitch. You, sir, are a lazy bitch.

I’m sure when you took the plate back to the table, the customer looked at it and said, “Ummm, really? These are the same fries.” And you were all, ‘No, I got the cooks to give you new ones.” And they were like, “I watched you just hold the plate under a light.” And then you denied it until they pulled out their cell phone and showed you the picture they took of your lazy ass holding some french fries under a heat lamp. Boom:unnamed

Look, the next time a customer tells you the food isn’t hot enough, just apologize and then figure out what you need to do to fix it. It’s our job. We can complain about it until the cows come home, but no amount of bitching is going to make those french fries hot again. It doesn’t matter if it was your fault or not. We are the ones who take the blame. Suck it up, tell the kitchen you need some new fries and move on. And never forget that there is always someone with a cell phone recording your every move.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

p.s. I realize you might be, in fact, a great guy. I also know that this photo was sent to me without any explanation so I was forced to use my imagination as to what may be happening in this moment. I hope you’re cool with it.


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