When someone dislikes their experience at a restaurant, they have the option to either return to it or not. But sometimes, that’s not enough and they feel the need to go to Yelp and shart out 300 words about how they were wronged. I’m all for a constructive critique and a sensible review, but when someone bashes the physicality of the people who work there, well then, that’s gonna piss my shit off.
Nambie S. went to a restaurant in Austin called The Capital Grille. In her first sentence of her review, she deems it to be the biggest dump in all of Austin. Seeing that Austin has 1,088 restaurants within its city limits, we can gather that Nambie has spent a great deal of time in all of them, for how else would she know that this is the biggest dump of them all? Nambie is an expert in dumps. (I’m not just talking about the kind of ”dump” when someone is referring to a place that is run down or lackluster. I am also talking about huge, stinky, dumps that come from too much beef brisket and lentils. I am also talking about scat play.)
She is upset that the bartender asked her to talk more quietly. Nambie thinks that being in a bar that is “open to the public” entitles her to the right to be as loud as she wants. It does not. You still should behave with a modicum of decorum, whether you are in a classy establishment like Red Lobster or a so-called dump. Nambie goes on to call her bartender a “cougar” and then boasts that she is “younger and cuter” than the person who is, you know, handling her food. Nambie, no matter how disappointed you are with the behavior of the bartender, there is no need to resort to name-calling, you sleazy shit-covered, dump dumpster.
Later, when the “managing owner” of the restaurant came over to talk to Nambie, the only thing Nambie got out of the conversation was that she felt the manger was obese. This is when she gives the restaurant some hiring advice:
“restaurants should be more cautious of hiring obese people as that it makes their ‘struggle’ more difficult due to being around food.”
You see, Nambie understands this struggle, although not from a weight perspective. Nambie loves dumps so much that whenever she is in a place she perceives to be a dump, she is overcome with the urge to have someone drop a load on her. It’s not easy for her to resist. The bigger the dump she’s eating in, the bigger the dump she wants on her face. Just being near a toilet makes her knees quiver with anticipation. Once, when walking through the bathroom fixtures department at her local Home Depot, Nambie had a Pavlovian response and immediately dropped to her hands and knees at a row of toilets and begged someone to release their bowels on her. She wrote a Yelp review of the Home Depot and gave it one star. (“Service was horrible. No one would shit on me. I will never go back!”)
Nambie ends her review with the stereotypical statement that people learn in Yelp Review Writing 101 and threatens to tell all of her friends to never go there. “I will tell every one i come across in my huge but tight knit high rise not to bother w this place.” And when Nambie uses the words “huge” she is referring to the size of her craps and when she says “tight knit” she is talking about her blouse that is way too small because she got shit on it last night and washed it in hot water and it shrunk.
I hope that in the future, Nambie will write reviews that focus on actual events at the restaurant and not the physicality of the people who serve her. Anything other than that is pretty shitty. Ironic really, since her profile photo is this: