In today’s episode of “I’m Too Cheap to Pay For My Meal,” we have a woman named Shatanya Arielette Beasley who went all out to avoid paying the check at her local Applebee’s. According to reports, after Shatanya enjoyed her double crunch bone-in wings, double-glazed baby back ribs, and some salted caramel pretzel bites (all with a glass of water with extra lemons, no doubt) the server presented her with the check. When Shatanya looked into her purse and saw nothing but a pack of gum, her car keys, leftover Hershey Kisses wrappers and some old receipts from Piggly Wiggly, she knew she had to come up with a plan. Lucky for her, she had one. In the side pocket of her purse where most people will keep things like their wallet or an emergency ten-dollar bill, Shatanya had a bag of dead crickets. She ever so stealthily pulled one out and placed it on the last remaining bite of one of her salted caramel pretzel bites and began her acting career.
(I was not there, so the following is a dramatic interpretation imagined in my tequila-soaked brain.)
Shatanya: Awww, hell no! Where is my waitress? Where IS my waitress? Why on God’s green earth would she serve me this food with a dead cricket in it? And why did I not notice this until I had eaten everything else that was brought to me? Is it not possible that I ate several dead crickets without noticing while I enjoyed my wings and ribs? Or worse even, maybe I ate a roach! I am perfectly willing to eat ribs from Applebee’s but I must draw the line at crickets. Security! Security! I refuse to pay for this. Manager! I am not paying for food littered with the carcasses of crickets that once chirped happily in the meadow and now lie dead in a pool of salted caramel. I must go, for I am too upset and disgusted by this event. Good bye, Applebee’s! And to my waitress, I am sorry that I cannot tip you, but I am too shocked to do so. Ordinarily, I would tip 30-40%, but not today. Blame it on the DEAD CRICKET YOU SERVED ME!!!
And with that, Shatanya dramatically left the restaurant, but not before the restaurant manager glanced into her purse (a knock off Michael Kors) and spotted the Ziplock baggie of dead crickets. As Shatanya sashayed her way out the door, the observant manager watched her get into her car and quickly jotted down the license plate number.
Police tracked her ass down and she was arrested and charged with obtaining property under false pretense. Shatanya paid her $2,500 bond with some Monopoly money and hopped back over to Applebee’s to pay for her meal and the charges will likely be dropped.
Again, I wasn’t there, but I’m pretty sure when she went back to pay, it went something like this.
Shatanya: Ohh, I’m so sorry. I forgot to pay for my food the other day and I think I accidentally tried to pay for it with a dead cricket. I don’t what I was thinking! Sometimes I look at a dead cricket and I think, “Now is that a dead cricket or is that my debit card. Girl, I do not know.” Anyways, I’m so embarrassed, but we’re good now, right? And by the way, can I get an Apple Chimicheesecake to go? I can pay for it now. Do you take MasterCard or Discover? Because if you don’t, I just have to run to my car real quick and get my bag of dead roaches.
Oh, people. Just pay for your damn food. If you can’t afford to go out to eat, just don’t go. And make sure if you do go, you can afford to leave a tip too!