In my continuing quest to troll the Facebook pages of major chain restaurants in search of nuggets to write about, today I was on the Applebee’s page where I struck gold. Please observe this Facebook post about a man who wants to hook his friends up with an Applebee’s wedding.
Through my ever-intensive sleuthing, I was able to find the wedding announcement of this lucky couple and I would like to present it to you below:
Jim and Mary Love Each Other But They Might Love Applebee’s More
Jim Smith is proud to announce the gathering of two wonderful people who share a love for each other as well as a love for chain restaurants. Bob and Mary were just two lonely adults until they came together as one over a plate of double-glazed baby back ribs at their local Applebee’s. (The one on Highway 5, not the one at the mall, because everybody knows that only skanks and hos go to that one, duh.) Won’t you join Bob and Mary as they become one and promise to love, honor, obey and always order off the 2 for $20 menu until death do them part? Their love is sweeter than an Apple Chimicheesecake and their passion burns hotter than a Sizzling Double Barrel Whiskey Sirloin.
It seems like it was just a few short days ago that Bob and Mary first met online in the “I ♥ Applebee’s Google Group” and decided to take the plunge of actually meeting face to face. Actually, it was just a few short days ago. Although they were a little bit nervous about talking instead of typing, as soon as their server Odetta showed up to their table and told them she would be taking care of them that night, things fell into place. They began with an order of Green Bean Crispers and their hearts inched closer to one another when they realized they both wanted to skip the zesty horseradish sauce and get an extra creamy BBQ ranch dipping sauce instead. Even Odetta knew she was witnessing something magical happen. By the time Bob and Mary had licked the ramekin clean, they knew they were meant to be together. They were so head over heels in love that they ordered another starter and shared the Queso Blanco, feeding each other the creamy blend of cheese, cilantro and roasted poblanos. By the time they split a plate of ribs, they were engaged.
Please join them on Saturday February 14th, 2015 at 8:00 PM at the Applebee’s on Highway 5 for the grandest and most exquisite wedding ceremony ever known to mankind. Bob and Mary have decided to marry on Valentine’s Day because it’s the most romantic day of the year. Plus, it falls on a Saturday and we know how much fun it is to be in an Applebee’s on a Saturday night. They have made a reservation for 125 people and are requesting a booth near the window. Worst case scenario, they will have to push some tables together. The ceremony will begin promptly at 8:00 and the reception will immediately follow at 8:05. If you cannot be there on time, do not worry about it. They will just hold your spot at the table and tell Odetta that you are on your way. If you decide to not join this special event, don’t bother letting anyone know. Odetta won’t mind if there is a reservation for 125 and the only people who show up are Bob, Mary, their parents (depending on the parole boards…) and Jim. The wedding party will be providing five or six appetizers (mozzarella sticks, steak quesadilla towers, sliders, etc…), but any extra food or alcoholic beverage will be the responsibility of the guests. Separate checks.
Presiding over the ceremony will be Bernie Fishass, the general manager of the Applebee’s Highway 5, who was recently ordained online. Best man will be Jim while Odetta will be serving as the maid of honor, head waitress and busser. Mary will be upholding the tradition of incorporating something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue into the ceremony. A piece of blue cheese, found under the booth where they met, will be serving as the something old, something borrowed and something blue. For the something new, Bernie is going to open a new can of queso.
The bride will be wearing a gown that she designed herself modeled after the iconic Applebee’s uniform and she will be holding a bouquet of apples. The groom will be wearing an apron. Following the reception, the newlyweds plan to honeymoon at the Outback Steakhouse on the other side of town because they both dream of someday visiting Australia, but for now, Outback will have to do, mate.
Applebee’s is a conduit for true love.