Scoot on out…
Some days I have no idea what I am going to write about and then my topic literally rolls into my section and plops down right in front of me.
I am at the club and we have just “opened the room” meaning that customers can now be seated for the show. Typically, we open the showroom about forty-five minutes before show time in order to give customers plenty of time to order their drinks and settle in and me plenty of time to eat my falafel so I can have pristine breath before greeting them. There is a woman sitting in the lobby who has been there for at least twenty minutes, but is not ready to go to her table yet. She is a semi-regular we see every now and then. She is a rather large woman who is mobile thanks only to her electric scooter.
“We can seat you now, ma’am,” says the hostess.
“I’m not ready,” she barks back.
The show is to to begin at 9:30 so at 9:25 she is now ready to be ushered to her seat. I am the only server for this show since the audience is small enough for me to handle it all on my own. My coworker is finishing up her side work so she can leave early but she is still in the room only minutes away from leaving for the night. The lady on wheels flags her down.
“I’m dying of thirst,” she says.
I hate when people say that they are dying of something. We are all dying of something, be it old age, natural causes or otherwise, but no one who is sitting in restaurant is dying of thirst.
“I’ll have what he’s having,” she says and she points her stubby little fingers at a glass of beer on a nearby table. The beer is a Stella Artois but it has been poured into an Amstel Light glass. Unsure if she wants a Stella or a Amstel, Nadine asks her which she would like.
“I want what he’s having!”
Fine, a Stella it is. Ten minutes after the show has started, the woman flags me down and I approach her table.
“I’m starving to death,” she says.
There is no way in hell this woman is anywhere close to starving to death. There are probably enough crumbs from previous meals embedded in her sweatshirt to feed a family of four for several days.
“Yes, ma’am, what would you like?”
She shrugs her shoulders which is probably a monumental effort for her and raises her arms up in the air, palms upward as if I have just asked her to tell me the square root of 666 (it’s 25.8069758011 which is also the number of bags she has hanging off her, shopping bags, back packs, fanny packs…). I hand her the menu that is sitting in front of her and let her know I will be back in a couple of minutes to see what she’d like.
She eventually decides on an antipasto plate and a bowl of spinach and artichoke dip, which is about 75% mayo so a most excellent choice for anyone who is looking to become even less mobile and more dependent on four heavily taxed wheels to get you around. When it comes time to give her the check, the total is almost $80. (Remember, there is a cover charge on there as well.) She pulls a credit card out of one of her many bags and I go to swipe it.
Declined.
I go to give her the news and she is decidedly non-plussed about it.
“Oh, shoot, someone stole my identity so I can’t remember which card is good and which card is bad.”
I wonder who it was that stole her identity and then wonder how long it took them to give it back to her once they realized who they had become.
“Try this one. Wait is that the same card?”
“Yes, ma’am, both of those cards have the same number on them.”
“Then try this one.”
Again, I go swipe the card. Declined.
“Sorry, this one didn’t go through either,” I say, thinking that this bitch is trying to scam us.
“How about this one,” she says and hands me yet another credit card. It too is declined.
Three strikes your out, lady. “I’m sorry, this one was also declined.”
“Oh dear, what am I going to do? I’m so embarrassed.”
So apparently, having three different credit cards declined is embarrassing but having hair where a nest of squirrels would feel quite comfortable is not. I send my manager over to talk to her because I am officially done with her. He agrees that she can come in the next day to pay her check and she offers to leave her license as collateral.
“That’s okay,” he says. “We know you come in here often enough.”
“But you don’t know where I live,” she counters.
“I assume it’s underneath some bridge where you make people answer riddles before they cross,” I say under my breath.
Her check is voided and she promises she will be back the next day at 5:00 to pay her check. We watch her roll out without a thank you or any kind of effort given to leave a tip because most trolls carry no cash. That was three days ago. We have yet to see her again so I am still waiting for my tip. She better hope that she doesn’t try to come back in to see another show unless we can get payment for that check and show us a a stack of cash in her grubby little grease-covered palms. Her credit is no good with Visa, Master Card, Discover or The Bitchy Waiter.
Work at a Bistro...In the Mall
oh boy, that is funny! I had a very similar experience recently. The restaurant where I work is located inside a busy mall. One of the stores is currently undergoing renovation. There is a construction worker who has been working on the store for the past several weeks. He comes in occasionally at 10 or 11 o’clock at night, just as the kitchen is closing. He does this and claims that the construction crew just got off their jobs, and he is starving. Obligingly, we always accommodate him. He normally orders a beer or two, possibly a mixed drink, and of course loads of food. One night a few weeks ago, he comes in and claims that he has forgotten his wallet at home. The waitress that is serving him has never seen them before, but I had seen him before on a number of occasions. He often comes in on Monday nights, and that is my night to work. I explained to her that he is a semi regular, and he comes in fairly often. We then ask our own or if it is okay to serve him, knowing that he is unable to pay. He assures us that he will be back the next day to pay his bill. Our owner of coarse says “of course we will serve him if he has been here before, besides, we know where he works… We can always go get him if he doesn’t pay.” He ran up a $54 tab. We had it hanging on the magnetic fridge for over a week. He never came in to pay it. He has not been in sense, and our owner has not tried anything to locate him. He scammed us much like this woman scammed you.
Work at a Bistro...In the Mall
Just so you know, I wrote my last comment using voice recognition software. The spelling errors and grammatical mistakes are attributed to that. I reread my comment and realized just how lacking it is in any sort of academic credibility. I simply don’t want to give waitresses, waiters, and other members of the service community a bad name. I am in possession of a masters degree, and yes! I know how to speak and type! Sorry!
Melanie Samores
We had a customer come in the other day with a fake army uniform on and wanted to get a military discount without a military ID. One of our servers served two tours in Iraq and noticed there was something wrong with his uniform, and the fact that he had no ID was also a red flag. Turns out the guy was trying to pull one over on us and other stores in our shopping center. We made him pay full price and my colleague had a talk with him saying how disrespectful it was to try and scam businesses while wearing a uniform that so many have given their lives in.
I hate people who try to scam you out of anything, and this took the cake for me. I hope you will 86 that lady from your businesses as that is just absurd!
Linda
Would this have been the same column if she was not a large person?
BitchKitty
Sure… there were plenty of reasons besides her dimension to find her repugnant… hair like a rat’s nest, food all over herself, imperious attitude… the lack of regard for the server and restaurant and lack of remorse at being “unable” to pay… she was a pig, regardless of her size
Jess
I once had a customer who refused to pay for her meal, just flat out refused. So I told her to leave as we were trying to close the restaurant. She refused. I had to call the cops and they finally forced her to leave. I then proceeded to clean the table and noticed a weird smell. I pulled back the chair she was sitting on, (it was a plush cushioned sort of chair) and there was a huge piss stain on it. I just threw the chair away. So disgusting.
Erin
Hopefully she died.
White Russian
Hey, Bitchy, is there an update to the story? It’s of November, 2013, “I’m dying to find out if bitch ever came back!” lol
One of my non-paying stories right off the top of my head – one cheap bitch came in ordering some stupid shit, accompanied with extra lemons-splenda deal. And it was like some HH stuff – and she still tried to get half portions for less money – I know, aint’ it something?
at the end – three different credit cards that literally went flying into my face each time I came back with a decline. Her tab was $10.50 so I ended up charging $1.5 off each of three cards – which there was all of the balance on them I guess, and she gave me the rest in crumbled dirty-ass nasty ones that looked like they just came out of her shithole. I even got a dollar tip which honestly surprised me a lot.
Oh yeah, and of course this whole appearance started with her saying that she was “local, knowing owners and from the service industry, so I should not try to fuck her over because she knows the whole deal”. What fucking deal she was talking about keeps me wondering to that day. I hope she goes to hell where she’d have to eternally orally please one of our dishwashers from my ex-job who never took shower and used to eat sloppy discarded leftovers right out of the trash can.
Meag
I had this happen to me once before as well. It was a young male that was in from out of town for work. He couldn’t pay his 34 dollar tab and said he’d be back the next day; I took his information and hoped he’d be back. The next day at exactly the time he said he’d be back he was, with 60 dollars in hand to pay his bill. He was so happy we were kind to him and he let me keep the extra as a tip and for all my trouble. Sometimes people surprise you.
Jen P
Try the Wal-Mart in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, with scooters we never know which caused what. Are they grossly overweight because of a disability or medical condition, or do they have a medical condition because they are overweight, thus needing the Scooters? My issue with them is that they block the aisles and make no attempt to get over.
BobbyAnn
If they’re blocking the aisle, and you can’t get by, take the time to peak in their cart.
Many times you can tell they don’t have a supposed medical condition by the categories of their purchases. When you are ill [and you care] you do your best to eat healthy – as it goes a very long way, regardless of the condition, to enhance your quality of life, regardless whether it is thyroid, joint problems due to stress from weight, fibro, RA.
You can’t tell me when they are loaded up with soda, chips, cookies and convenience foods with no fresh veggies or lean meats in their cart – then a medical condition is not the reason for their obesity and use of the cart.
I know of what I speak, being ill – and not overweight.
BobbyAnn
*peek
Deanna
Bobbi- I also have RA, and am overweight. Not horribly, but not a small girl. (I get called solid, but look quite healthy- like a rugby player lol. Being judgy about things in someone’s cart is just as bad as people being judgy about our disabled parking permits because I am walking into a store. (That extra walk is the difference between me being able to do my own shopping or not some days)
Plus, when I am on steroids, it is 100mg of prednisone a day. Sometimes, I just need a damn coke to go with my stupid salad. 🙂
Mo
I had a guest one day get soooo mad over 1.80 up-charge for French toast, yes I am dead serious! We are told not tell about extra charges because it states in the menu,and we do not want to offend customers. if we tell them there is an upcharge, then we make then feel cheap…..ummmm hello this is DENNY’S! well asshole gets mad, and the manager takes off the 1.80 and what do I get for a tip 1.25 on a 42.00 tab!! I hate kiss ass managers.
BobbyAnn
I am starting to believe managers are compensating for the illiteracy in America. There is no other explanation for doing this WHEN the MENU STATES it.
I feel for you. I probably tip higher at places like Denny’s and breakfast diners because I KNOW. Believe me I know.
Bunny
Haha, I’m inadvertently responding to you again BobbyAnn, but yeah, I do the same thing at IHOP/Denny’s/etc. When you get a good server in a place like that it’s like, “ack, what are you doing here?! *tips 50%*”
KellyC
I just recently found your site and have spent hours catching up on your posts. I love how you write. You never fail to make me laugh! This particular post is a gem. I couldn’t stop giggling 🙂
Mellie
I’m sorry if I’m sounding rude here or generalizing but I would bet that the number of people in scooters simply because they are fat asses far outweighs the number of people that use because they are actually disabled. At times you cannot get down the aisles of the grocery store in our town because of these fatties in scooters…. Unless you’re in the produce or organic aisle, they never seem to clog up those areas…hmmm.
BobbyAnn
As a 47 year old woman, who has rheumatoid arthritis and congestive heart failure I do use a wheelchair often, although I can walk [in pain/out of breath]. Often times it is too painful to use my wheelchair because my hands, elbows and shoulders ache terrible.
I am 5’7 and weigh 122 lbs. I look healthy, but?
I agree with you wholeheartedly – and here’s why – on the occasion I approach one of those scooters I will keep an eye out. Do you know how many times I have been told by a very large woman [always a woman] that they need that scooter more than me because obviously I am “so” healthy. I HATE pointing out my disability but my husband and kids will step in and tell them why I do, in fact, need it. Do you know how many times these same women will tell me to PROVE IT?
I HATE my limitations and I would DO ANYTHING to not be sick with diseases I did not cause to myself. If I could heal myself I would – but I can say – I find the overweight folks who use the scooters to be some of the most entitled of anyone who does. It makes me angry because when I am in my chair, I constantly try to stay out of peoples’ way – them? They will run me down, never mind my able body family.
Call me out for stereotyping, but until you ridden in my wheels, well…I see it ALL the time.
[and I have to admit to getting a chuckle out of the veg aisle crack. ‘Tis true.]
whit
This is my first comment. Just wanted to say I love your positive, sassy atittude!
Bunny
Amen, BobbyAnn. My dad has cancer and his mobility tends to range from week to week depending upon the fluctuations of his exacerbating conditions. It’s a real pisser to get him all the way into the store, realize he’s winded and won’t make it further, only to find all of the scooters are taken. Go back out to the car, grab a wheelchair for him, begin cumbersomely exploring the aisles… Passed by three enormous women on the complementary motor scooters loading their baskets with snacks.
Kenny Ray
at least you have a good sense of humor
J.B.
Ugh, a couple months ago, one of my coworkers had a table whose card got declined and that was all they had. Guess what our kiss-ass manager did. SHE COMPED THE ENTIRE BILL. Then she told the waitress to tell the table to maybe give us a good review online. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!! It’s things like this, from “management” that gives all these crappy customers a sense of entitlement. They will never be cut off, they will never be told no, and it will never end. 🙁
kristen
OMG. That’s horrifying. I would probably have quit after that…I can only imagine what other shit you have to go through if the managers handle situations like that!!
bistis6
Ah, A(xx)y. I remember her well. She is completely out of her mind, and is actually quite mobile. I’ve seen her off that scooter many a night, and have had the displeasure of hearing her “sing” during open mic night. One night she rolled up to the club and started impatiently banging on the door so that I’d come open it for her. I’m only a little itty-bit ashamed to say that I completely ignored her, because she had so thoroughly pissed me off last time she was there. She eventually hauled herself through the door, snarled “Didn’t you hear me knocking?!!!”, I dismissed her with a blase “No”, and she rolled into the room where she sat with one of her tits hanging out of her shirt. We didn’t see her again for several months. I’m so sorry to hear that she’s back.
anne marie in philly
dirty bitch! I second pinky’s comment!
God
Ironic how the cheesy, low class grunt (“waiter”) is every inch as vindictive and tacky as the woman he seethes with rage over is. Your all losers in the same boat together. Funny, how you see the worst of yourself reflected back in others, isn’t it?
Kathy Bishop
When I lived in a small town if something similar to this happened (and it did from time to time) we would alert all the restaurants and bars in the nearby area (small town, like I said) and the problem would pretty much become resolved within a few days. Since she’s a semi-regular I hope it’s resolved for you, as well. In other instances, Pinky has the right idea.
Pinky
I would not have let her go. We call the police when this happens, as this is theft. When the police are called, most people find a way to pay their tab, or have someone bring them some money.
Kenny Ray
EggggggggggZactly
chacha1
Now that’s a pisser. It’s bad enough when a stranger scams you, but when a regular rips you off … that’s insult to injury.