Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy

Dear Bitchy

It has been a very long time since I have written a Dear Bitchy column. Since I can’t think of jack shit to write about and I am ready for a cocktail, I am reaching into the mailbag to find some poor soul who needs my advice. If you feel the need to have your problem solved a by a drunken waiter/blogger, please click here to shoot me an email. All of my advice to you is board certified by food handling professional.

Dear Bitchy,

I’m an eighteen year old college student, and I feel horrible. I was out to dinner with some friends, and I had just given the server my credit card to pay for the bill. We didn’t split the bill, my friends paid me in cash and we had been an all-around undemanding table.  While we were waiting for my card to come back, one of my friends announced some shocking news, and I completely forgot to sign my slip, tip the waiter, or even pick up my card.  I realized this later and went back to sign and tip the waiter, but my card had disappeared.  I checked my card activity, and the last charge was our meal the night before. I feel horrible. Any ideas on how to make it up to the server?


Dear Ashamed,


First of all, you must let go of all your feelings of shame. Let me rephrase that: you must let go of your feelings of shame that have anything to do with this particular incident. Save that feeling for other times like when you turn 21 and throw up in a planter outside of a strip club in Puerto Vallerta (been there) or when you decide to have sex with someone and then two weeks later you have a family of crabs living in your underwear (been there). There are lots of opportunities for shame, my dear and this ain’t one of them. You are but a child of eighteen and sttill filled with the wonder and hope that so many of us who are older than you no longer have. Do not let shame and negativity seep into your life  for once it makes an appearnace in your life, it is ever so difficult to push it away. Be not shameful! It sounds to me like you made an honest mistake and then went back to try to fix it. If you went back the next day and left a tip, your server was satisfied. As for your missing credit card, there are a couple of possibilities with that. It is feasible that the server was disappointed that there was no tip or signature and he “accidentally” lost the card in the nearest trash can. It is also possible that it got thrown into the cash register under the drawer with all of the other credit cards that have been left behind and they just couldn’t find it. My vote is the “accidentally lost in the trash can.”
Of course, the one thing we all want to know is what shocking news did your friend announce? What words are so surprising that it makes someone forget to sign a credit card, stiff a server and then leave it all behind? I have some ideas of things that maybe your friend said:
  • I’m pregnant and the father of my baby is that guy I met on craigslist who is a Gemini, likes long walks on the beach, has 27 piercings and a tattoo of Paula Deen on his ass.
  • I think our waiter is The Bitchy Waiter and he seems kinda nice, even if he is a little bit drunk.
  • I have a hedgehog in my vagina.
  • I watched Big Brother last night.
  • My parents told me that I am adopted and my birth mother is Peggy from Mad Men.
  • I am going back to school for a degree in hotel and restaurant management.

Any of those announcements would be enough to unsettle you so that you to forget to sign your credit card slip. If you already tipped the server, there is nothing else to make up. You have done your part. Carry on with your shame-free life and keep on tipping 20%.



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7 thoughts on “Dear Bitchy Waiter

  1. Emilayday

    That one is actually on the server. You should always always pick up your check presenter before they leave the table. Had that happened the server would’ve noticed the card still in there and no signature or tip and would have called it to the advice seeker’s attention, “Oh sorry, thought this was ready” (upon seeing the card) and place it back down which is code for “at least give me my tip so I can close out your table.” Hell I do that when I dropped the check twenty minutes ago and they’re just hanging out as a way to be like, “ooh I’m so stupid and silly to take this check presenter without a payment, there’s nothing even in there after forty minutes of it sitting in front of you, but seriously time to pay and leave.” And then they finally pay (but still don’t leave).

    1. Rhia

      If you show up in anything else the greeter has to stop you atthe door and give you too-short flannel loaner pajamas so that you’ll be in the proper attire.

  2. SisterBenedict

    Ashamed, it’s great that you went to take care of the situation and no doubt tipped well. If you want to be extra-special nice to the restaurant, go on and write them a review (good, I hope) so more people will go to eat there. (I don’t bother with Yelp. That is like going to Walmart in your pajamas.)

  3. We$lie

    Bitchy’s right – don’t be ashamed, Ashamed! It happens, and the fact you went back the very next day to fix your mistake is something to be proud of. Most people would have just said “Oops!” and moved on. Bravo for your upstanding character! 🙂

  4. Ashamed

    You’re pretty close, the news was that she got pregnant with her 16 year old boyfriend. Who had just moved across the country. Thanks!


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