It seems like only yesterday that I was writing a post about tacos and shouting out my love for all things Taco Bell. No sooner did I press “publish post” did I hear something that shook me to my core. No, I am not talking about the fact that Oprah has a half sister. I am not talking about the State of the Union address which I tried to watch but ended up watching Modern Family on Hulu instead. I am talking about the lawsuit that came out against Taco Bell claiming that their meat is only 35% beef. Some cocksmack (new word I stole from a cranky waitress) filed a lawsuit saying they were upset that testing showed that much of the beef in a crunchy beef taco is simply fillers like water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin, modified corn starch and an anti-dusting agent. Hello, it’s Taco Bell. Who the fuck thought they were getting 100% grade A fucking beef? This person probably thinks when he goes to McDonald’s and orders chicken McNuggets he’s getting chicken. That’s funny. It’s McDonald’s. And Taco Bell. These are not places that people go to find healthy eating options. It is where we go when we need something cheap, fast and delicious and we have the rest of the day to spend on the toilet. I want to examine these mysterious ingredients that are allegedly in my Taco Bell meat and see if I want to continue eating there.
- Water: It’s good for you. Our body is made up of water. Seriously, I think we are like 98.6% water or something like that. No biggie.
- Wheat oats: Again, these are good for you. Oatmeal, wheat bread, oatmeal cookies? These are all things we should be happy that make it into our bodies because wheat oats have been proven to soak up all the alcohol.
- Soy lecithin: Not sure what this is, but I like soy sauce so I say go with it.
- Maltodrextrin: Again, not sure but it is probably something that just makes it taste better. I think it is the official name for cumin or red pepper flakes.
- Modified corn starch: I have this is my pantry right now. I use it to make gravy. Gravy is good. Hurrah for modified corn starch!
- An anti-dusting agent: No idea. As long as it’s not a dusting agent like Pledge furniture polish or something that comes from a crop-dusting plane, I’m okay with it. And since it’s the last ingredient, it means it is the least amount. Therefore, even if it is something from a crop-dusting plane, it’s not really enough to make it worth a goddamn fucking lawsuit.
Taco Bell came out with this statement:
You notice that they left out the part that said “And, yes it is too 100% beef, so shut your lying ass-face.” What will happen now? Taco Bell will go to court and fight they they have a right to call their beef “beef” and the other folks will be all, “but it ain’t all beef” and then Taco Bell will cave in and just change the name on the menu. They will call it a “beef-flavored taco” or a “crunchy Beaf® taco.” And people will continue to go to Taco Bell because we all know that anyone who goes there isn’t going because they are looking for health food. They are going because they want some cheap-ass lunch for under six bucks. Yo quiero Taco Bell? Hell yes yo quireo Taco Bell. 35% or 100% beef, yo quiero fucking Taco Bell.
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