Don’t Care Who Pays; Just Pay

Maybe it’s me, but I am rarely in a situation where my friends and I are fighting to pay the check. It has been rumoured (and confirmed) that I am cheap, stingy, greedy and poor. So last night when I saw two people arguing over who would have the privilege of paying the bill, it was like looking into this weird other world that makes no sense to me. Coming from a history of dollar menus, Top Ramen and trailer parks I give thanks when someone says “no, let me pick up the check.” Here is what I do not say after hearing those words: “Oh no, let me get it.” Instead I say, “Okay, but let me order another round first then.” (Right, Marlene?)

Last night at table six, three different people out of five wanted to be the big shot and pay the bill. The check was substantial too; about $179. As they were all flashing their credit cards at me trying to get me to take theirs, I looked at the two other people and gave them a knowing look. I shared a brief telekinetic moment with each of them as we looked deep into each other’s souls and recognized the cheap ass kinsmanship we shared. Meanwhile, three credit cards were being thrust at me. I have a rule. The first person who either says they are paying or gets the card or cash in my hand is the one who pays. I don’t care. I wish I could just flat out ask who is going to tip the most because then that would be who will pay, but it somehow seems a bit tacky to do that. I may be be cheap, but I ain’t tacky. Okay, I admit it. I am cheap and tacky. Case in point. So I took the credit card from the pasty faced man because he was the one who made eye contact with me first and had his credit card the most accessible. As I walked away from the table, I heard the other two wannabees grumbling about how I should have taken their credit card. Again, it makes little or no difference to me who pays. Unless Pasty Face’s card was declined, he would be paying. The only time I may go back on my own rule is when the people who are both wanting to pay are of different genders. In that case, I always go with the man. No, not because I think a gentleman always pays or I think that women don’t deserve equal rights. It’s because in my experience, men just tip better. Sorry ladies, it’s a fact. If I have a choice between a four top of men or a four top of women, bet your bottom dollar that I am going to take the men. In the case last night, all three who wanted to pay were men, so Pasty Face won. When three men are trying to outdo each other by flashing their American Express cards, I just wanna tell them to get a ruler, go to the bathroom and measure your dicks already.

Pasty Face’s card was successfully run and he left me a fat 20% tip, so I definitely was pleased with the outcome. The two other men probably felt like Pasty Face was the winner but in my eyes the winners were the two silent people who never offered to pay in the first place. They kept their mouths shut, their eyes down and their penis in their pants and left without having to open their wallets all evening. Job well done, you cheap sons of bitches. I couldn’t have done it any better myself.

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22 thoughts on “Don’t Care Who Pays; Just Pay

  1. David Cowling

    You just have to figure out who will tip best. It’s a guess really. I would ask sometimes, “if I choose your card, what’s in it for me?”

  2. Leah Messick

    I made the mistake of pulling back a credit card so the other guy could pay because it was his birthday. . I even handed back 1st man’s slip because he had left a 35 dollar tip…giving the hint the tip should be the same.. never again will I do that. 2nd guy only left me 15. Fuck 2nd guy!!! Go to hell!!! Next time that happens. If 1st guy leaves a good tip I’ll say sorry can’t pull it back now…but if 1st guys tip is shit. . I will risk it again….

  3. Anonymous

    Out of my peers, my best friend and I tip the best by far (we're both female); however, thinking back on it, how well any of the people I associate with tip seems to be directly proportionate to how much understanding they have of a server's experience. Best friend and I both work as beer girls for a horse racing track (selling nothing but overpriced beer to rednecks and consistently getting paychecks for less than a dollar), so we have a great appreciation for the practice of tipping well.

  4. California Girl

    My husband tends to round up from whatever the tip is. He never tips less than 20% and often more. I tip 20% as long as service is decent. I actually tip more at breakfast places, like 30%. Why? The bill is small and it just seems like they'll never do as well. But, they aren't tipping out either.

  5. littlemissgonnabe

    Haha. I hate paying, but I also get a little sheepish when others treat me so I try to keep it even and return the favourite but in all honesty, a free ,wal always tastes better than one I had to shell out for! As for tips, I tip 20% all the time unless someone is just awful. I tip hairdressers well too, because you def. Want them to like you!

  6. Anonymous

    I hate it when men play that game come bill time, because more often then not, once the "winner" sees how much the combined bill actually is, he freaks and tips like crap. He still feels like a hero to his friends, but screws his lovely server over. Glad you were lucky (and of course, talented) enough to still get that 20% out of the tiny penis table.

  7. })!({

    Maybe its just the New England area, but I know that I (female) and my closest female friends tip way better than the men I know or am related to. I assumed 20% is the standard (unless you are a cute male and flirt with me and remember to watch my glass, then you are getting 50).

  8. LawLucy

    the ONLY time women tip better than men is when: A. They have waited tables in their long ago past and truly want to love you for still putting up with the shitORB. They are still waiting tables and feel sorry that you have to put up with them

  9. Julie J

    This was one of the funniest things I've read all week! I tip according to service. If you do a good job, refill my drink when I'm empty and don't make a pest of yourself I always, always leave a 20% tip. Twice I left someone a $0.25 tip. The 1st time I went somewhere and the waitress asked if I wanted a drink – I told her yes and that I was actually ready to order as well. She told me that she didn't ask if I was ready to order – that she just asked what I wanted to drink. Woah lol. Okay. The 2nd time I waited 45 minutes for my bill to come and after I gave her my cc she took an hour and 10 mins to come back. It took me asking twice where the hell she went to. I had 2 babies with me and a not so happy husband. Needless to say I never went back to either place again. And lastly, one night I had such a great waiter at a casino seafood restaurant, that I left a 40% tip – although that may have been due to the massive amount of wine I had with dinner lol – but he was amazing, and knowledgable, and ran like a chicken with his head cut off and deserved a little more. To this day it has been the best dinner I've ever had out with my husband!

  10. Bagel Fairy

    I just close and cover my eyes, hold out my hand, and tell the customer I'll take whichever card goes in my hand first. It lets them think that I actually think it's funny and want to be playful, but I really just want to move the damn line.

  11. Kara Hoag

    I've actually had the experience where women can be better tippers than men, especially depending on age. College crowds and high schoolers are pretty much worthless all around unless they've been taught correctly or have experienced the service world for themselves. visions unto myself

  12. SharleneT

    I use my tip calculator and it's based on 20% and I'm a woman… Didn't realize I could get away with less because I was a woman… Is that why I'm always seated near the kitchen? Because you don't know how much tip I'm going to leave and assume it'll be terrible? Just askin'..

  13. Jes

    I agree that men usually tip better, and i don't know why. I used to think it happened because I'm a girl and men are just suckers for anything with boobs, but unless all the men BW serves are gay or bi, it can't be a sex thing. Maybe it IS just because they're arbitrary about tipping and also penis-measurey (when it comes to throwing around money)? I think the exception here, of course, is women who have worked for tips. I've gotten some huge tips from women, and when I've said "oh my GOD, thank you", their reply is always "No problem. I used to be a waitress". I try to do the same, now that I'm out of the tips world. You calculate 20% and then round up from there. Don't be a jerk.

  14. Anonymous

    I like the way men try to outdo each other as well. It so beats having to write eight separate checks (after having been told earlier that would not be necessary) and then have that one woman with the pig eyes go over her bill and say, "Oh wait! You put HER coffee on MY check. Take this two dollars off immediately!" And then leave me next to nothing because of my honest error in trying to work out whether when I saw her put the cup to her lips she was just sampling the coffee of the women next to her or had ordered it herself from the busboy or another waitron.

  15. Mark W

    I think men tip better in general because women try to calculate the exact ti, down to the penny, and then round down from the .004 cents. Men, in general, just look at the amount and throw a random amount down as a tip based on how many times they saw you at their table.And, when presented with more than one person at the table trying to pay, I *do* ask who's the biggest tipper!

  16. Simple Dude

    A friend of mine rarely offers to pay or even chip in in no matter how small the bill. He will always wait to be asked to give up his share. We say he develops alligator arms when the check comes because suddenly he can't reach his wallet.

  17. Anonymous

    Marlene agrees with bitchy. But he should add alcoholc to his list of attributes first. I will say when bitchy gets good tips though he can be generous…untill happy hour is over.


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