Dear Bitchy Waiter

Thursday means it’s time for some heartfelt advice from The Bitchy Waiter. Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week. Or just email me to say hello. It makes me happy. Let’s see what we find in the mailbag today:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

First off, let me say that I am a huge fan. Your blog is very hilarious all the time and whatnot. But anyways I need to ask you something. I have this friend, and to put it mildly he is a complete jackass. He is always talking about how he wants to hang out with me, and spend time with me, and blah blah blah but on the rarity that we do hang out he is on his god damn i-phone the whole fucking time. I have seriously considered just chucking his phone at the wall, or into the toilet, or out a window…something that would cause it some harm, but I don’t want to piss him off cause he can be a good friend…sometimes. Anyways, what would you do?

Friend of a dumbshit.

Dear Friend of a Dumbshit,

Thank you for your kind words about the blog. Your friend sounds like he cares more about his i-Phone than his friendship with you. If you think he is a dumbshit and a jackass, then why do you want to bother trying to salvage the relationship? Okay, okay, so he can be a good friend some of the time, but don’t you want people in your life who can be a good friend all of the time? That is a decision you will have to make. I do have a couple of suggestions though for the next time you spend time with this jackass dumbshit that might make things better for you.

Why don’t you schedule a certain time to hang out with him-very specific, like Friday from 4:00 to 6:00. In the meantime go to the “casual encounters” section of your local craigslist and set up an ad for your friend. Make him sound like he’s be really fun to get to know and then post his cell phone number on the ad but say they can only call on Friday between 4:00 and 6:00. That way, the next time you hang out together, he can still be on his i-Phone all the time just like normal, but you will get a kick out of it too. (Beware: I think this is totally illegal…) It’s a win win situation.

Another thing you can do is simply tell him that if he really wants to hang out then you need him to take a fucking chill pill from the goddamn i-Phone. I know some people like that and it’s fucking annoying. Your friend needs to hear it. This is probably the most mature way to handle things but personally, I go for the whole passive aggressive craigslist casual encounters prank. Immature? Yes. Funny as hell? Yes, indeed. Good luck!

The Bitchy Waiter

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11 thoughts on “Dear Bitchy Waiter

  1. ring up your friend and speak. don meet him in person. cos he likes his phone more than you. There fore he will give more attention to your call. you can salvage the relationship. he! he! he!

  2. chill pill for the iPhone?? There's probably an App for that ..Or, next time he's on his iPhone while you're with him, pull out your iPhone and start texting him "Get the F off the phone, Jackass!"

  3. Just say to the friend, "Oh, let me give you some privacy." Walk away. Find someone else to talk to in person, leave the room, leave his home, just leave. He will get the message eventually. Or, he will ask you why you left. You can then say, "It seems you have better things to do than visit with me when we plan something." Your friend will make all sorts of excuses. Tell your friend,"I understand. But, I keep being put on the back burner when I made the effort to–meet you,drive here, turned down someone else, cut short my nap, left my dog"–whatever is appropriate for your situation. Even if you are in a public place, everytime he reaches for the phone,you can say, "Well, I will catch you later." Make sincere movements toward leaving his ass sitting with his precious phone.Remember, you cannot be a doormat unless you lie down.

  4. I had a friend like that back in the old landline days… you'd make an appt for dinner and then spend the next few hours waiting for them to get off the D— phone! We were all business people so it wasn't as though we had nothing to do but watch them at work… very irritating… LOVE your idea and Mary A's… gonna try it, next time — because, there will be a next time…

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