As most of you know, I try to be a voice for the service industry. When I started this blog, I didn’t know what it would turn into, but it seems that I have landed in the position of standing up for the rights of servers and trying to shine a light on us. Last week, I was reached out to by a producer for a nationally syndicated talk show, the name of which shall remain unsaid. Now, you know my attention-starved ass was eager to be on TV and I answered that email quicker than I down a frozen margarita on a hot summer day. (Let’s be honest: or on a cold winter day.)
This week, MTV announced an upcoming show call Ghosted: Love Gone Missing. It’s a docu-series that features two hosts helping distraught individuals track down and confront former lovers, family members or friends, all in an effort to get to the bottom of why these people suddenly disappeared. The show seems a bit invasive and “stalky” tracking down people who bounced out of relationships. Like, I can’t imagine it’s going to give much closure to a woman who finally finds the guy she dated two times six months and finds out why he ghosted her. (Spoiler alert: he just wasn’t that into you and didn’t have the emotional maturity to tell you.)
But this show got me thinking about a much better TV show that all of us in the restaurant industry would watch: Stiffed: Tip Gone Missing. It’s a series hosted by me and I help pissed off servers track down and confront restaurant customers, all in an effort to get to the bottom of why these people who received great service and were totally appreciative suddenly left a big, fat goose egg on the tip line.
Can you imagine how awesome this would be? With the help of detectives and private investigators, we’ll scour the country to find the garbage dumpster people who led us to believe that our service was top-notch and then bailed on us without so much as a 5% tip. The confrontations would be epic.
Bitchy Waiter approaches middle-aged white woman with an “I want to speak to the manager” haircut
BW: Excuse me, Karen? Karen who dined out at Olive Garden on June 12th, 2017, is that you?
Karen: Yes, my name is Karen… what are you talking about?
BW: Does this look familiar?
BW whips out an Olive Garden receipt totaling $68.45
BW: Is this your signature?
Karen: (eyeing the receipt) Yes, that’s my signature, what is this about?
BW: Care to explain this??
dramatic music as BW points to the zero scrawled on the tip line
Karen: Oh, well…uh…I didn’t leave a tip that day because the restaurant was too loud and my baby was trying to take a nap.
Karen’s server, Brittney suddenly appears from behind a hedge
Brittney: Bitch, that didn’t have anything to do with me! I gave you great service and brought you so many freaking bread sticks even though I knew you were putting them in your purse. And then you stiff me?? Naw, bitch.
Karen: Well, you also let my glass of iced tea get too low once.
Brittney: Hell, no. I filled that glass ten fuckin’ times and the one time I let it get almost empty, you’re gonna stiff me?
camera pans over to Bitchy Waiter as Brittney berates Karen in the background
BW: That’s it for this week on Stiffed. Tune in next time when we travel to Kyle, Texas with Robert who wants to know why a certain Mr. Ray Jackson stiffed him six months ago at the Texican Cafe even though he specifically told his server “everything was great.”
Now THIS is a TV show we can all get behind, am I right? Share the hell out of this and let’s make it happen!
First of all, congratulations on your one year anniversary of wedded bliss. We here at Applebee’s love celebrating noteworthy life events and wedding anniversaries are on the top of our list right after birthdays, graduations, job promotions, retirement, getting a new pet, paying of your mortgage, buying a new car, resanding your wood floors and getting over a nasty summer cold. Congratulations!
We are so happy you reached out to us to see what we might be able to do to make your special day a little bit more special. As mentioned above, we love celebrations and this is what you can expect from your local Applebee’s by simply letting us know it’s your one-year wedding anniversary:
- Skip to the front of the line. That’s right, even if there are twenty other people waiting for a table, you and your beloved will be whisked away to the table of your choice. It won’t matter if someone is already sitting at a booth that you want. We will immediately move them out to the parking lot to finish their meal. Fuck them. You’re important.
- Unlimited complimentary cocktails. Whether it’s one of our famous one dollar margaritas or a one dollar Mai Tai or a one dollar Hurricane, it’s all yours. Or we’ll create a special cocktail just for you, carefully crafted based on your specific tastes. And by the way, it won’t be served in an ordinary glass. It will come to you in a gallon size, custom engraved, golden souvenir chalice embellished with 100% authentic aquamarine semi-precious stones. (Please note: turquoise is also available but we need at least ten days advanced notice.)
- Free Classic Combo appetizer. All the classic apps you love on one plate – Boneless Wings, Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Chicken Quesadilla and Mozzarella Sticks, all for a mere 2280 calories! But these aren’t our regular Mozzarella Sticks. This mozzarella is flown in from Castelluccio, Italy and is handmaid by a 98-year old Italian grandma. Every batch of mozzarella could be her last, because she is so damn old.
- An complimentary entree of your choice. Sure, you can get our shrimp wonton stir-fry or riblet plate, but why not ask our chef for something special? After all, it’s your one-year wedding anniversary, right? We’d suggest our Aphrodisiac Platter which is only available for our most special of customers who are in the mood for love. It’s a bucket of raw oysters marinated in Spanish Fly and served with asparagus, chili peppers and watermelon. It’s gonna taste like shit, but it’s gonna make you want to skip dessert and go directly to the backseat of your car to do it like a couple of desperate horny bunnies. (We do ask that you refrain from having sex in our restroom or parking lot. This isn’t Red Lobster.)
- Free dessert. It’s one thin mint, because honestly, you’ve had quite enough.
- Free entertainment. While dining, we will ensure that every single employee who is working that shift, from the dishwasher to the manager, will personally greet your table and sing a verse of any Air Supply song of your choice. If your anniversary happens to fall on the third Wednesday of the month, Graham Russell and Russell Hitchcock, the actual members of Air Supply, will personally serenade you.
- Two condoms. Just so we don’t have to worry about you showing up next year with an annoying three-month old bitch ass baby.
Lãdyîî, we are so excited to see you soon at one of our stores and thank you so much for reaching out to us. We are so grateful that you want us to be part of your very special day. If any of this interests you, please click here to make your reservation so we can prepare for your arrival. Happy anniversary!
If you ever wanted to read a restaurant review written by one of the most selfish, uncaring, self-centered customers ever, here it is.
This week on Facebook, server Garrick Robert Abt shared a photo of an Open Table review that gave the restaurant a 2-star review because of the “unfortunate situation” of having their server go into a seizure, fall unconscious, and being taken away via an ambulance. Because of this, the poor, unfortunate customer had to suffer the horror of finding another server to take care of them. Oh, and the air conditioning sucked too.
Whoever wrote this review is a top-grain asshole who has no empathy for others. Yes, the situation created a less-than-perfect dining experience, but could they not just skip the “hey, let’s leave a bad review” moment and think for one second about the human being that they watched be carted away on a stretcher?
Some customers suck. I mean, we all knew that already, but in case any of us needed proof, we got it. Feel better, Garrick.